Trying to satisfy the demands of a narcissistic daughter can be a seemingly overwhelming and impossible task, no matter how much love you feel for her. Narcissism has particular hallmarks that include feelings of entitlement, but also encompass an over-inflated ego and a firm belief that one will outshine everyone else. Luckily, there are some telltale signs of a narcissistic daughter to help you identify this behavior early on.
10 Signs of a Narcissistic Daughter
We throw around the term “narcissist” pretty freely these days. However, exhibiting a few narcissistic traits is significantly different than being diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Common narcissistic traits you might notice in your daughter as she’s growing up include believing that she is more accomplished than anyone else; feeling a strong need to be right about anything and everything; always wanting to have “centerstage”; a tendency to manipulate others; and exhibiting a false sense of entitlement.1
It’s healthy to have a bit of narcissism, as it contributes to self-confidence and self-esteem. However, when ego and conceit get out of hand, narcissism becomes a problem. Children may begin to show signs of narcissism as toddlers, and these behaviors can cause later challenges in forming healthy relationships.
Common signs of a narcissistic daughter include:
- Excessive vanity: She spends an inordinate amount of time attending to her grooming and wardrobe choices. She demands compliments from others and consistently points out the inferiority of others’ appearance in comparison to her.
- Extreme sensitivity to criticism: Whether you are sharing helpful information or suggesting she change something minor, she takes criticism extremely personally and very poorly, lashing out and criticizing you or others to even the playing field (an example of narcissistic injury and corresponding narcissistic rage).
- Sense of “specialness”: She is unable to function as “one of the family.” She needs to be seen as something “more” than just your daughter or a sibling’s sister. Additionally, she believes she is special and “the favorite,” and goes out of her way to try and convince others of this.
- Lack of healthy friendships: Narcissistic children cannot understand the need to treat others with kindness and respect. A narcissistic daughter will tend to only attempt relationships with people she can manipulate or those who put her on the pedestal.
- Refusal to take responsibility: Narcissistic daughters are quick to blame others when things go wrong–they are unable to accept that they may be imperfect, and they cannot tolerate the idea that someone could hold them responsible for a mistake.
- Revenge seeking behaviors: When someone does something that harms her or her ego, she may not respond in anger, but wait patiently until she is able to “get even” with the person or find a path to vindication and retribution.
- Winner mentality: A narcissistic daughter obsessively focuses on winning or getting her way. She is unable to accept losses and may react in out-of-proportion ways if she doesn’t receive the adulation she craves.
- Incapable of eye-contact: She seems incapable of making eye contact with others and displays gaze aversion, in that she avoids looking at others. Young narcissists are likely avoiding eye contact to minimize the damage that an unfavorable response could cause.
- Attention craving: She may suffer from extreme separation anxiety, as narcissists thrive on the adoration of others. In unfamiliar surroundings, they experience greater stress.
- Unhealthy play behaviors: As a young child, she engages in pathologic play with other children. This may involve power hierarchies to get her way or cheating at games to ensure she wins.
Narcissism in Typical Child Development
By nature, children behave in some notably narcissistic ways. In early and middle childhood, children normally are self-centered.They are driven to achieve, and their success builds their sense of self-efficacy. Children also want to make sure they get their fair share of resources–whether it’s attention or treats, they don’t want to miss out.
Regarding attention, children crave the gaze and approval of their parents, and this supports the development of healthy self-esteem. As in most personality disorders, the presence of the related traits isn’t proof of a diagnosis; rather it’s when the expression of the traits grows so significant that normal functioning is impaired that a clinical diagnosis can be made.3
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Daughter
When a parent recognizes that their daughter is behaving in ways that appear more narcissistic than typical in normal child development, it can be challenging to know how to adjust. It can be helpful to find a balance in responses that communicates unconditional love, but also sends the message that some behaviors are not okay. True narcissists do not recognize that their inflated beliefs about themselves could be untrue, so dealing with any narcissist is a challenge. When the narcissist is your child, parents may feel anxiety as they engage in behaviors that could reign in their daughter’s narcissism.
Below are some tips for dealing a narcissistic daughter:
Be Empathetic
It can be difficult to empathize with a narcissist. But when they’re your daughter, it’s a component of effective parenting. Narcissists are adept at using manipulation tactics to get their way, so it’s important that parents fight the urge to give in to their children in order to please them. By empathizing, you are showing her you understand her wishes and her desires–still, understanding doesn’t include giving in to her manipulative behaviors.
Set Strong & Healthy Boundaries
One of the most important jobs a parent can have is setting healthy boundaries for their children. This is especially so if your daughter is showing signs of narcissism. Create rules that have explicit logical or natural consequences, and enforce them. Don’t make idle threats about loss of privileges or other means of discipline if you do not intend to follow through. This only reinforces narcissistic behavior.
Be a Good Role Model
Children really do learn what they live, so make a point of being on your best behavior when in the company of your daughter. If she sees you manipulating others to get your way, putting others down, or lacking empathy towards others, she is going to follow your lead.
Teach Healthy Coping Methods
Narcissists get extremely frustrated and angry when they don’t get their way, so help your daughter learn healthy coping mechanisms. By learning these skills when she is young, she will be able to channel her negative reactions more easily as she matures.
Support Her Self-Esteem in Healthy Ways
Narcissists often have very fragile egos. However, by helping your daughter appreciate her strengths and recognize that she doesn’t have to hog the spotlight, you are teaching her to limit her need for external validation. Building a child’s self-esteem is essential to emotional wellbeing throughout childhood and into adulthood.
Use Praise Appropriately
All children need to feel that they are valued, loved, and successful in their parents’ eyes. Narcissistic daughters seem to need this external feedback more than other children. Praise your daughter when she engages in constructive behavior, but limit the overly positive feedback. If you are able to teach your daughter that rewards come with acceptable behavior, you can help her learn that narcissistic behaviors won’t bring her the rewards she is seeking.
Encourage a Social Media Break
Too often, teen girls get caught up in unhealthy behaviors on social media. Whether your narcissistic daughter is using downward or upward comparison to others as a means to feed her narcissism, or using social media to bully others, narcissistic daughters benefit from time away from social media.
Choose your Battles Carefully
Narcissists have a difficult time with criticism, or when someone tries to argue with them. Be thoughtful in the content and timing of the feedback you give your daughter. When you want to see a change in your daughter’s behavior, approach the topic in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse.
Don’t “Buy” Your Daughter’s Good Behavior
Parents sometimes use promises of big rewards in order to get children to follow the minimum behavioral standards. By bribing your daughter to follow family rules, you are setting her up to believe that she deserves special treatment when she behaves. Use authoritarian, not authoritative, parenting skills.
Assign Chores and Responsibilities
By having clear expectations about the role she plays in the family, your daughter will gain an appreciation for contributing to the greater good, as well as learn about responsibility. Use a “chore chart” that clearly outlines your daughter’s family responsibilities. By having a system of rewards related to chore completion, your daughter will be taught to value the importance of earning privileges, rather than simply demanding her way.
When to Seek Professional Help
It’s important to remember that signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are part of normal childhood development in many cases. Therefore, please consider your child’s developmental level and their age when making judgements about their behaviors. If your child’s behavior is growing increasingly extreme, or your older child is experiencing difficulties getting along with other children due to narcissistic behaviors, it may be time to seek professional assistance.
The sooner your child can learn new ways of handling their emotions and managing their relationships, the more successful in life they will be. If you witness narcissistic behaviors in your adult daughter, or patterns of relationship disruption and career problems, you may want to consider discussing these patterns with her. Narcissistic individuals do not believe that anything is wrong with them; instead, they will simply blame others. Thus, use diplomacy and empathy in any conversations you begin with your adult narcissistic daughter. In some cases, helping your daughter see the patterns in her life that are attributable to her narcissistic behaviors can encourage her to seek help herself.
Therapy options that might be helpful when dealing with a narcissistic daughter include:
- Family therapy: This provides a space where all of the members of a family can actively participate and share their own perspectives and experiences. Family therapy is especially useful in helping children recognize the ways in which their behavior affects others.
- Individual therapy. In cases where a child’s behavior is overwhelming for a parent, it may greatly benefit the parent if they participate in individual psychotherapy.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This technique is designed to help change behaviors by addressing one’s thoughts. CBT often includes the use of worksheets and diagrams to help people understand where their negative behaviors appear, and what they can do to change their responses.
- Group therapy. This can be especially helpful for children with narcissistic tendencies. By interacting with others, children can have their attention drawn to the ways in which their behavior affects others. The presence of other children who share similar concerns also helps children understand that there are other children who struggle with their same issue. They can also learn from one another in the group therapy milieu.
- Play therapy. Play therapy can be helpful for children who are unable to verbalize their complicated feelings, and it can be participated in individual or sibling groups. In child-centered play therapy, the clinician will verbally track the child’s activities; this can help the child recognize how others are interpreting their behavior.
- Art therapy. In art therapy, the client communicates through the art they create, allowing for the exploration and expression of complex feelings without the need for words. Similar to play therapy, art therapy allows for creative expression of ideas and feelings that may be too difficult for a person to name or describe.
Final Thoughts
Raising a child can be challenging; but when a daughter is manifesting signs of NPD, it can be extremely concerning. If you notice your daughter behaving in an overly entitled manner, desperately trying to steal attention away from others, bullying or manipulating others, and experiencing difficulty maintaining age-appropriate friendships, you may want to seek professional help for her. In addition to this, you may benefit from seeking support for yourself–you do not have to struggle alone.
For Further Reading
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- 16 Best Parenting Podcasts: a curated collection of podcasts that touch on a variety of topics including mindful parenting, being an effective father, and raising caring children.
- 21 Best Books on Narcissism & Narcissistic Personality Disorder: a curated collection of books that address narcissism through a variety of lenses.
- 10 Movies About Narcissists: a variety of films that explore characters with narcissism from different perspectives.
- Narcissistic Child: describes NPD and provides information and suggestions for parenting a narcissistic child.
- The 21 Best Parenting Books: a roundup of books that can be helpful to new parents and veteran parents. The collection includes suggestions for books on everything from effective discipline to parenting siblings to international parenting practices.
Narcissistic Daughter Infographics
