While children tend to be self-focused until they develop more advanced social skills, an inability to develop emotional and relational awareness could mean that a child is developing narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Signs that a child may be a narcissist include a lack of empathy; unrealistic sense of self-importance; lack of recognition of attention and admiration; and an overall struggle in social and family relationships.
What Are Narcissistic Children?
Narcissism in children may be hard to detect at first, as children are ego-centric until they develop the ability to see situations from another person’s point of view, which is something generally associated with narcissism in later years. While a lack of empathy is one major component of narcissistic personality disorder, other symptoms of this diagnosis include having an exaggerated sense of self-importance; being preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power and success; being manipulative in relationships; being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them; and a general showing of haughty behaviors.1
11 Signs Your Child Is a Narcissist
Ego-centrism and struggling to grasp empathy is not the only indicator to look for when determining whether a child is a narcissist or will develop NPD. Other signs to look for specifically within children include struggling within various aspects of relationships; problematic and abnormal patterns within the child’s play; difficulty accepting responsibility; and poor school performance.2
Here are 11 signs your child may be a narcissist:
1. Difficulty Making or Maintaining Friends
Children with NPD will struggle in all their relationships, but it will be particularly apparent in their peer relationships. While children typically sort through peers until they find good-fitting connections, children with NPD will generally never “settle into” lasting friendships, because they lack empathy, the ability to take responsibility, and have a strong sense of envy.
2. They Put Other Children Down
Narcissistic children don’t understand why it’s problematic to be critical and mean to other children to their face, or when talking about other children to adults. In the child’s mind, this criticism is true, and it’s painful to hear adults talk about other children in positive ways.
3. They Blame Parents or Adults for Their Wrongdoings
Children with NPD develop their grandiose or withdrawn attitudes as a protective defense mechanism, because they believe that adults are untrustworthy and incompetent. Because of this, a child with NPD will blame all their wrongdoing and situational mishaps on the adults around them.
4. Their Play Exhibits Problematic Patterns
Play is essential for a child’s development, and pathological patterns within play can indicate signs of the development of NPD. Signs to look for include avoidance of reality; problematic interactions between the playing child and play “objects” (the child themselves, other people, and actual objects); and the child’s experience of their play.(FN3) Examples of these behaviors could include patterns of vengeance, not accommodating or acknowledging needs of others, and repetitive/intense destructiveness.
5. Consistent Behaviors of Coldness or Haughtiness
Children with NPD hold an internalized belief that they are more special than others. This can externally look like the child being indifferent to attempts to engage and connect; dismissal and diminishing others; or even comments highlighting inferiority of others.
6. Inability to Self-Validate
Narcissism stems from a fragile and essentially non-existent self-esteem. As a result, narcissistic children are unable to identify and retain positive qualities about themselves. This can lead to the child “fishing” for compliments, or charismatically maneuvering social situations to obtain external validation. A narcissistic child typically struggles to identify and voice positive personality traits, such as “I am brave”.
7. Inability to Tolerate Stress Without Regression
When a child with NPD encounters a difficult situation that they cannot maneuver out of, they will often regress and act much younger than their developmental age. This is often because they do not have the ability to self-soothe. The longer an NPD child struggles, the more their behavior will deteriorate.
8. Inability to Develop a Moral Compass
Children with narcissism lack empathy and a moral compass, the ability to identify right from wrong. Because of this, they don’t understand the problem with lying, cheating, or stealing, and will consistently use these narcissistic manipulation tactics when it benefits them. If they do get caught, they will not show signs of remorse.
9. Their School Performance Doesn’t Match Their Language Skills
Children with NPD often develop advanced language and vocabulary skills in order to mask their shortcomings, and to hide when they don’t understand things. Because their verbal performance is a façade, children with NPD often struggle to academically perform at levels that match their linguistic skills.4
10. Consistent Gaze Aversion
Learning appropriate eye contact is a social skill. Avoiding eye contact (gaze aversion) protects a NPD child from the distressing experience of rejection that their thin self-esteem cannot tolerate. Typically, developing children will regularly make eye contact and need to learn appropriate lengths of time to hold eye contact.5 Note: gaze aversion can also indicate ASD or ADHD.
11. Inability to Take & Accept Responsibility
Children with narcissism believe that they are special and that their needs are paramount above all else. They will often refuse to acknowledge when they are wrong, because they cannot understand how this could be. In their mind, they were acting in ways to meet their needs–which is all that matters.
Why Is My Child a Narcissist?
Narcissism is a complex mental health condition, and research has linked its origins to a combination of several potential causes. NPD can be linked to genetics; neurobiological interaction of the brain and thinking patterns; being raised by a narcissistic parent; experiencing childhood trauma; or experiencing insecure attachment and unreliable attachment figures. When considering “nature vs. nurture”, it’s important to recognize that both likely play a role–different children may be genetically predisposed to develop narcissism, but their environment could stifle or encourage different traits.
Narcissistic Children as Adults
While narcissism will begin to be displayed as early as age seven or eight, NPD will continue to manifest over the course of a person’s lifetime.6 While adults will no longer show lack of empathy and consideration of others’ needs through their play, they will still exhibit these behaviors in social settings in other ways. The root of these behaviors will continue to exhibit themselves in all settings that narcissists find themselves in throughout their lives.
How To Deal With Narcissistic Children
Supporting your child or adolescent that you think may have narcissistic personality disorder must first start with an evaluation by a mental health professional. This can be a therapist, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist that specializes in children with NPD. After a confirmed diagnosis, it is important that they receive ongoing support from one of these individuals to help improve their mental health and social functioning.
It can also be helpful for you to seek parent coaching and/or your own therapist. Parent coaching can help you navigate the specific needs of your child, and support them through the changes they’re adopting in treatment. A therapist can help you tend to your own mental health and wellbeing, since being around any person with narcissistic personality disorder can be difficult–especially for a parent. If your child is already an adult, supporting them and being in a relationship with them can look very similar to relationships with any other adult with narcissism.
Some helpful ways to deal with narcissistic children include:
- Learn about NPD: The more you understand your children’s behaviors, the easier it will be to accept them as they are and to maintain your own boundaries.
- Set firm boundaries: Boundaries are the reasonable space between both people’s needs–your boundaries are not meant to change their behavior, but to protect your own needs and energy.
- Learn to identify manipulation tactics: Narcissists use manipulation in order to get their needs met in a variety of ways, and being able to identify these is crucial in order to protect yourself and your boundaries.
- Don’t tolerate abuse: Abuse can take many forms–physical, verbal, emotional, financial, etc.–and tolerating any form of abuse can negatively impact your mental health and self-esteem.
- Gently point out their behaviors: Narcissists often don’t realize how their behaviors impact others. Pointing these out in a gentle way when it feels safe to do so can help them to learn what is and is not acceptable behavior when they are around you.
- Tend to your own mental wellbeing: Being in relation with a narcissist can be exhausting and frustrating, so making sure you are taking care of your own emotional needs is crucial to prevent resentment and parental burnout, and further impacts on your mental health and self-esteem.
- Extend whatever support that you can: Connecting your child with mental health professionals to help manage their illness, or simply maintaining the healthiest relationship you possibly can with them, can help mitigate some of the helplessness and frustration that can accompany a loved one’s NPD diagnosis
- Accept what you cannot change: Narcissistic personality disorder is a complex and often chronic illness that a person may or may not be able to change or mitigate. Understand that you cannot force them to want to change their behavior.
When to Walk Away from a Narcissistic Adult Child
If your relationship with your adult child includes narcissistic abuse or makes you feel unsafe in any way, it may be time to consider whether or not you need to step away from the relationship. You can choose to step back in certain aspects or altogether, and determining how to do this will be based on the nature of your relationship, and the areas where you are struggling to feel safe.
When & How a Therapist Can Help
When looking for an individual therapist, it is important to ask if the professional has experience and training with survivors of narcissistic abuse. Because this type of abuse can take many forms, having the support of a therapist who can help highlight the ways that a narcissist might twist or manipulate a situation is beneficial. In turn, you’ll be better equipped to ground yourself in reality, begin to trust yourself again, and recover from narcissistic abuse. Choosing a therapist using an online directory is a great way to get started.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with narcissistic children can be challenging, but learning about narcissistic personality disorder, establishing and holding boundaries, and learning to tend to your own mental health can help equip you to better manage your relationship with your child.
Narcissistic Children Infographics
