Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) not only affects the individual who is diagnosed with it, it also plagues their relationships with others. But, the most affected relationship is often their marriage. Unfortunately, there are seldom any “happily ever after” endings for couples in narcissistic marriages. However, by seeking support and maintaining personal strength, you may be able to address the issues you are experiencing.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinically diagnosable disorder that affects roughly 6% of the population.1 While it is important for everyone to think highly of themselves, individuals with NPD have grandiose beliefs about themselves that are not supported by objective reality. They genuinely believe that they are larger than life and demand others to shower them with the praise they feel they deserve. Narcissists have an insatiable hunger for admiration and acclaim, and are constantly seeking fresh sources of attention to fuel their narcissistic supply.
There are two main types of NPD–grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. Grandiose narcissists boast about their accomplishments, exaggerate their strengths, and place themselves on a pedestal–they are deaf to any opinions that are contrary to their own. Grandiose narcissists often draw in partners through their extraversion, self-confidence, and superficial charm.
Conversely, vulnerable (covert) narcissists have very fragile egos which they protect, not through boasting, but by denigrating the accomplishments of others. They focus on the ways in which other people do not measure up to themselves, and are deeply threatened by criticism from others. Their narcissistic supply is met through finding others who agree with their negative assessments of others. Covert narcissists might draw in a partner who needs to be needed, or is codependent, through their obsessive need for admiration and attention.
Regardless of the type of narcissist you’ve married, they will always expect you to provide unquestioning agreement to their opinions, be willing to put their needs far and above your own, and will do whatever it takes to ensure that their sense of entitlement is not threatened. The symptoms of NPD can vary from very mild to severe–the level of such plays a large role in the ability of a narcissist to succeed in any authentic and intimate relationship.
Common symptoms of NPD include:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- Heightened sense of entitlement
- Lack of empathy
- Need for excessive admiration
- Interpersonally exploitative behavior
- Envy of others or belief that others are envious of them
- Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Signs of a Narcissistic Marriage
When people fall in love, they are often falling in love with what they want their future spouse to be. Love renders people blind to others’ faults when their projections of an ideal partner are strong. Unfortunately, some of the signs that you have married a narcissist are hidden during the initial relationship stages, and only become visible after the wedding when a narcissist no longer has to work to win you over.
Here are some signs that you may be married to a narcissist:
- Your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions
- Your partner overlooks or blatantly ignores your needs
- Your partner “forgets” their promises to you, even though they do remember, but have chosen not to honor them
- Your partner blames you whenever anything goes wrong, or a disagreement arises
- Your partner pretends to be interested in you and what is important to you, but makes every conversation about themselves
- Your partner went to great lengths to win your heart, but stops showing signs of caring once the honeymoon is over
- They always find a way to get what they want, and then work to convince you that they are doing what you wanted to do all along
5 Narcissistic Marriage Problems
While the early stages of a relationship with a narcissist may be a positive experience, maintaining a marriage with a narcissist is something else altogether. Narcissistic marriages present a slew of challenges all of their own. Because toxic relationships do not start out as such, and narcissists are skilled at manipulating others, it may be well after the wedding before you realize that you’ve married a narcissist.
Below are five common narcissistic marriage problems:
1. They Need Absolute Control
Narcissists need to maintain total control in a relationship, due to their strong desire for dominance and authority. Because they work so hard to present a false image of themselves to others, they cannot risk being found out or losing face. Thus, they need to control the behaviors of their partners in order to maintain their façade of power and superiority.
2. They Gaslight Their Partners
Narcissistic gaslighting is a common behavior in which narcissists keep their partners off-balance in order to manipulate them. Through gaslighting, narcissists may accuse their partner of misremembering things so that the partner doubts their own memory. Narcissists may also pretend to forget something just to toy with their partner. Narcissists use gaslighting to maintain dominance over their partners.
3. They Are Extremely Jealous
Jealousy and envy are common traits of NPD, and coupled with the low self-esteem that narcissists work so hard to hide, they are unable to tolerate the thought of their partner overshadowing them. When their partner receives recognition for their achievements, narcissists often find ways to minimize these achievements or point out flaws. In turn, this draws the attention away from their partner’s success.
4. They Are Highly Suspicious
Narcissists want total control of their partner, so they are highly suspicious of a partner’s friends or work colleagues. Narcissists have a hard time trusting others or giving them the benefit of the doubt, because they know in their hearts that they really can’t be trusted themselves. When a narcissist feels their partner is desirable to others, it stokes their fear that their partner might leave them for someone else. This fear of infidelity or rejection can enrage a narcissist due to their desperate need for access to their narcissistic supply.
5. They Are Competitive With Their Partners
Narcissists see everything in life as a competition–whether they are competing for attention or scarce resources, narcissists are driven to “win.” Ironically, narcissists may choose a partner who is highly successful in life whom they see as a source of “reflected glory” for themselves. However, if their partner grows too successful or is lauded too highly by others, a narcissist may grow increasingly competitive and even sabotage their partner in an effort to outshine them.
How to Deal With Narcissistic Marriage Problems
Understanding narcissism and the ways in which it can negatively affect relationships is the first step to dealing with the problems in a narcissistic marriage. Recognizing why your partner is wired for attention-seeking behaviors and has an insatiable need for recognition can provide a useful perspective that helps you determine your best course of action. Seldom do narcissists recognize their own issues, so working with them to understand the effect their behavior has on you may require significant effort on your part. However, if you do not address the issues in your relationship when they first show up, they will only become increasingly ingrained in your relationship and harder to change later on.
Here are some ways to deal with narcissistic marriage problems:
Identify Your strengths
Narcissists often work to belittle their partners in order to feel better about themselves. This is a form of narcissistic abuse, and the narcissist’s goal is to make their partner doubt themselves and leave them feeling weak. By identifying your strengths, you are reinforcing your own sense-of-self, allowing you to be better prepared to stand up for yourself in the relationship.
Find Your Voice
Find your voice and use it. Speaking up for yourself builds your own confidence and is a reminder to others that you are worthy of being heard. Don’t let yourself be “talked over,” “talked down to,” or “talked out of” things. Name it when your partner is trying to gaslight you. Call out the lies you’re being told when you hear them. By using your voice, you are showing your partner that you can see the games they are trying to play.
Set Firm Boundaries
Healthy boundaries in relationships go hand-in-hand with positive self-esteem. Narcissists work to erase their partner’s boundaries as a way of getting their partner to rely increasingly on them. This is often accomplished through a persistent chipping away at a partner’s boundaries, rather than an all-out assault. Thus, keep your guard up and stand firm. By consistently refusing to allow yourself to be walked over, your partner’s attempts to push your boundaries may diminish as they learn that there is no pay-off for their efforts.
Maintain a Healthy Support System
One of the most important aspects of psychological and emotional well-being is having a strong network of support. When you are in a challenging marriage, it is even more necessary to have this support outside of the relationship. Narcissists try to limit outside influences on their partners, but it is essential that you continue to enjoy existing friendships and establish new connections.
Know When It’s Time to Leave & Have an Exit Plan in Place
The longevity of your relationship may be dependent on the level of narcissism your partner exhibits. The more insecure and threatened a narcissist feels, the more controlling and abusive they tend to get. Their defense is to lash out or deepen their efforts at narcissistic manipulation of their partners. A point may be reached at which separation and divorce become the only option for a couple. Narcissists are activated by threats to their ego, and when a partner is preparing to leave, this can become an extremely dangerous time. Before packing your bag, make sure that you have a safety plan in place, especially if there are children involved.
When to Seek Professional Help
While it may be difficult to get a narcissist to recognize that their behavior may be causing marital problems, you might be successful in convincing them to engage in couples therapy to help enhance your marriage. Skilled therapists offer a safe place for both partners to feel heard and validated, while being held responsible for making changes to improve their relationship. If you feel overwhelmed and your partner is refusing to attend therapy, then you should seek individual counseling for yourself. Of course, if you fear for your or any children’s safety, seek help immediately and do not wait to see if things will get better on their own.
Final Thoughts
While every marriage will have its challenges, being married to a narcissist is especially difficult. They will lay all the blame for any marital difficulties on their partners. Therefore, standing up for your needs, refusing to be gaslighted or manipulated, and establishing a firm sense-of-self are necessary if the marriage is to endure. Be aware that narcissists are very resistant to change and any efforts to improve the marriage may fall on your shoulders. However, working with a competent individual or couples therapist can provide you with concrete ways to work towards lasting change.
For Further Reading
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- 15 Best Marriage Books: a roundup of the best self-help books written about marriage. This collection includes books that address communication issues as well as more general books that provide a foundation for lasting relationships.
- How to Prepare for Couples Counseling in 12 Steps: provides a clear explanation of what couples counseling is like and what couples need to know before making or attending their first session.
- 10 Best Couples Therapy Podcasts: provides a curated collection of podcasts that touch on a variety of relationship topics; some podcasts are more serious, and others are more light-hearted, depending on what you need most at any given time.
Narcissistic Marriage Problems Infographics
