Narcissist Discard: Signs, Examples, & How to Cope

What Is Narcissist Discard?

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) exhibit chronic patterns of low empathy, high levels of self-importance, grandiosity, and an excessive need for validation. NPD also correlates with themes of entitlement and sensitivity to criticism. Narcissist discard refers to suddenly ending a relationship without seeming to have any real emotional reaction to it. This can happen after a conflict, but it can also happen anytime the narcissist’s needs aren’t being met.

Narcissist Discard in Relationships

Most people with NPD form strategic, one-sided relationships in which their feelings, needs, and preferences are placed before the other person’s.⁶ Many narcissistic relationships are unhealthy and short-lived.² They usually involve a distinct set of stages that will repeat in a cycle of narcissistic abuse.

The four stages in the narcissistic abuse cycle are:^{1, 2}

• Idealization: During the initial stage of appreciation and idealization, the narcissist will often shower someone with praise, compliments, and attention in a practice sometimes called love bombing. The point of this stage is to earn the person’s trust, loyalty, and affection.
• Devaluation: After a narcissist has gained the trust and affection of someone, the next stage involves devaluing the person by criticizing them, gaslighting them, and using other narcissistic abuse tactics. Narcissists often cycle between idealizing and devaluing someone in what feels like a hot/cold relationship before moving to the final stage.
• Discard/Rejection: When the narcissist gets bored or decides the person is no longer useful enough to them, they’ll often end the relationship and ‘discard’ the person. Sometimes, this ending is final.
• Hoovering: Sometimes a narcissist will use hoovering to lure the person back into the relationship and repeat the cycle.

10 Signs of Narcissistic Discard

Because impulsivity is a common trait in people with NPD, there aren’t always warning signs of narcissistic discard beforehand. The discard phase can be sudden and unexpected, or long and drawn out. When the discard phase happens slowly, there may be indicators that suggest the person is losing interest or distancing themselves.

Below are 10 signs that may indicate the narcissist discard phase is underway.

1. A Wandering Eye

People with NPD are known to have a ‘wandering eye’ that is closely linked with the short-term nature of their relationships. In some cases, an increased interest or attraction to others is one of the first signs of an impending narcissistic discard.¹ In a romantic relationship, this could show up as increased interest or attraction to others, flirting, or even emotional or sexual infidelity.^{2, 6} In platonic relationships, it might involve the narcissist developing a keen interest in someone else, putting them on a pedestal, or vying for their attention.

2. Less Hot, More Cold

Narcissistic people are known to be hot and cold towards people they’re in relationships with, but the ratio of hot and cold can change towards the end of the relationship.² For example, noticing fewer and less frequent instances of positive, warm interactions, as well as less effort in making up after a fight are common.¹ These are signs of the narcissist devoting less effort and energy into the relationship, which may mean they’re considering moving on.

3. Decreased Jealousy

People with NPD are known to be jealous in romantic relationships and sometimes even behave in controlling ways towards their partners.² This dynamic sometimes changes when the narcissistic discard phase begins, and jealous and controlling behaviors might lessen or stop. The narcissist might seem disinterested in knowing where their partner goes, what they do, and who they’re with, which may signal that they’re considering leaving the person.

4. Personality Changes

Narcissistic people can be very good at presenting a false self and getting other people to view them in a certain way. In the discard phase, the narcissist might drop the act and show more of their authentic self to someone.² This may be a sign that the narcissist isn’t trying as hard to get the person to like or respect them. In some cases, it could also be an indication that they’re reshaping their identity to draw in their next victim.¹

5. Indifference & Apathy

One of the clearest signs of narcissistic discard is indifference. The narcissist might suddenly seem cool, aloof, and apathetic towards someone who they’ve already decided to discard. This kind of emotional detachment can make it easier for them to leave the relationship, and sometimes indicates the person’s interest and attention are focused on someone new.²

6. Being Replaced

When someone with NPD has exhausted one source of narcissistic supply, they almost always move on quickly to secure a new source of attention, affection, and validation. In the last phase of narcissistic abuse, it’s common for them to quickly form new close relationships with people who can fulfill their need for external validation.² Sometimes, these replacements are even triangulated into the conflict in ways meant to hurt the person even more.¹

7. Devaluing

The narcissist’s ego finds it much easier to walk away from someone it sees as ‘less than’ rather than someone it admires, which is why narcissists often devalue someone before calling it quits with them. Devaluing can include criticizing the person, belittling their achievements, talking down to them, or comparing them to others.² Devaluing often becomes more frequent towards the end of the relationship, when it also makes it easier for the narcissist to leave.

8. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a form of narcissistic abuse that involves refusing to communicate with someone. Stonewalling also involves refusing to listen or hear someone out, as well as refusing to talk to them. Being ignored, brushed off, or ghosted are all examples of stonewalling that may occur more often in the final stage of narcissistic relationships. These tactics are particularly difficult when they lead to ghosting, as this leaves people without answers, explanations, or closure.¹

9. Keeping Secrets

Being more secretive may also be a sign of narcissistic discard. People with NPD may begin to hide things from the other person, withhold information, or behave in more secretive ways. For example, they might refuse to tell someone what their plans are, where they’re going, or what they’ve been doing. People close to them might be the last to know what’s going on in the narcissist’s life, which can be a sign that they’re being pushed out of the narcissist’s inner circle.¹

10. Rewriting the Story of the Relationship

Sometimes, a person with NPD will attempt to rewrite the history of a relationship in ways that make it easier for them to walk away. This can include painting themselves as a victim and the other person as the ‘bad guy,’ or pretending the relationship was less close and serious than it really was. These stories are sometimes shared with other people (like family or mutual friends) as an alibi that makes it easier for them to end a relationship without damaging their reputation.^{1, 3}

Why Do Narcissists Discard?

There are many reasons why narcissistic people end relationships and discard people, and most are directly linked to the pathological traits common in NPD. These traits make it almost impossible for narcissists to maintain long-term relationships that are stable and healthy.^{1, 2, 6} The narcissist is usually aware that their relationships will not last, and the narcissist discard may be an attempt to feel in control and end relationships on their terms.⁷

Narcissistic discard is usually attributed to one or more of the following deficits:^{1, 2, 5, 6}

• Impulsivity: Narcissists are known to be impulsive, which can lead them to make rash decisions that hurt important relationships.
• Neediness: Narcissists are emotionally dependent on others for external validation, but their needs often exceed what others can provide to them. This is often a trigger for the narcissist discard phase.
• Short attention spans: The narcissist’s short attention span can cause them to lose interest quickly and get bored in relationships, especially when someone else catches their eye.
• Poor emotion regulation: Many narcissists struggle with anger outbursts (narcissistic rage), which can result in emotional decisions to end a relationship when they’re upset or angry.
• Hypersensitivity: People with NPD are often overly sensitive to slight criticism and might overreact to things other people say or do, even ending a relationship over something small.
• Narcissistic collapse: Narcissistic collapse is when the narcissist’s grandiose ego collapses in response to threats or insecurities, which can cause them to lash out, get defensive, or even end a relationship with someone.
• Relentless expectations: The narcissist is often demanding in relationships, holding others to unrealistically high expectations and becoming enraged when they fail to meet these standards.
• Superiority complex: The narcissist’s superiority complex can cause them to look down on people, judge them, and even end relationships when they think they could ‘do better.’
• Lack of empathy: Breakups are easier for someone who doesn’t consider or factor in the feelings and needs of other people, which may be another reason why it’s so easy for narcissists to discard people.
• Lack of accountability: Many narcissists are unwilling to admit mistakes and apologize to people, and might even end a relationship where this is expected of them.
• Shame: Many people don’t realize that it’s shame, not pride, that fuels the narcissist. Their secret feelings of inadequacy may even explain their tendency to end relationships when they feel exposed, insecure, or bad about themselves (narcissistic injury.)

Impacts of Narcissistic Discard

Even though most relationships with people who have NPD are toxic and unhealthy, being discarded is an awful experience. Feelings of anger, shock, and grief are common after this occurs, and can make it very difficult for people to find closure.⁶ This is especially true for someone who needs to find the strength to begin healing from narcissistic abuse.

Possible negative impacts of abusive narcissistic relationships and narcissistic discard include:⁸

• Symptoms of PTSD or C-PTSD
• Shock, confusion, and conflicting feelings
• Low self-esteem or feelings of shame
• Excessive self-doubt and insecurity
• Trust issues and attachment wounds
• Codependent patterns in relationships
• Sadness or symptoms of depression
• Increased levels of anxiety
• Feelings of grief and loss

If you notice some of the signs above, it can help to see a therapist. Finding a therapist who specializes in NPD or narcissistic abuse is important, and will help ensure you get the help you need.^{1, 8} Many people begin their search by using an online therapist directory that allows them to narrow their search by location, specialty, and insurance.

How to Heal From a Narcissistic Discard

Relationships with people who have narcissistic personality disorder can feel like being on a rollercoaster ride, and the discard phase is a sudden and abrupt stop to this ride. This can leave people feeling shocked, confused, angry, heartbroken, and even desperate for answers or to get the person back.^{1, 6} The process of grieving, healing, and moving on with life looks a little different for each person, but here are some healthy ways to cope.^{1, 8}

Below are some tips for coping with narcissistic discard:

• Seek support: Reconnect with your support system and open up to people you trust.
• Consider therapy: Consider finding a therapist who can support your healing process or signing up for an online therapy platform.
• Practice self-care: Improve your self-care and set aside consistent time for yourself.
• Try journaling: Consider starting a journal to write down your thoughts and feelings.
• Avoid Check-ins: Avoid looking the person up on social media or asking mutual friends about them.
• Pursue interests: Enrich your life with activities, social events, and things that interest you.
• Educate yourself: Read self-help books on narcissism and narcissistic abuse to get more insight.
• Take time to reflect: After some time has passed, reflect on the dynamics of the relationship.
• Practice self-compassion: Work on rebuilding your self-esteem, self-trust, and self-love.
• Don’t blame yourself: Anyone can be a victim of a narcissist, so don’t blame yourself for falling for their traps. Over time, you will learn to recognize and avoid narcissists in the future.