20 Reasons to Avoid Having an Affair With a Married Man

Why Do Married Men Have Affairs?

There are several reasons why married men have affairs, ranging from having a lack of intimacy or emotional connection in their marriage to having narcissistic tendencies. Sometimes a lack of communication in the marriage can lead to infidelity. If a married man does not know how to communicate his needs in a healthy way, he may use the affair to avoid challenging conversations.

Some reasons married men have affairs include:

• They are in a sexless marriage: A sexless marriage refers to a marriage that has little if any sexual interactions. It is often defined as having sex less than ten times per year.
• They want to explore their sexuality and desires with other people: They experience high levels of built-up sexual dissatisfaction. Having sex with other people allows them to explore sides of themselves they have been unable to explore or have repressed previously.
• Their needs aren’t being met in the marriage: They have difficulty communicating and/or resolving their emotional, sexual or intellectual needs, and so they look to someone else to fulfill them.
• They like the allure: Affairs are a fantasy and fantasies can be very captivating. It’s the thing they shouldn’t be doing, which makes it all the more alluring.
• They need instant gratification: They can’t control their need for instant gratification. They act selfishly because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
• They are immature: They lack the maturity, insight, and depth to realize that cheating on their spouse has consequences.
• They have narcissistic tendencies: Someone who has narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits is selfish, shows little empathy towards others, and seeks flattery and attention. Because they are self-absorbed, they feel their partner doesn’t treat them the way they should, or that their partner does not fill their narcissistic supply. They often don’t feel guilty or ashamed for cheating.

Reasons To Avoid Having an Affair With a Married Man

If you are contemplating having an affair with a married man, there are many reasons to think twice. Some things to consider are that the relationship is built on mistrust and deception and you are selling yourself short on the type of relationship you actually want and deserve. Although it may start out as something exciting, it rarely ends that way.

Here are twenty reasons why not to have an affair with a married man:

1. He Won’t Fully Commit to You

He isn’t fully committed to his spouse despite his legal promise to her. So despite what he may tell you, why do you feel he would be fully committed to you?

2. There Is Already a Lack of Trust

The relationship starts off with a lack of trust because he is cheating on his spouse. The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater,” will constantly be playing in the back of your mind. There are several signs of trust issues you should be aware of.

3. You Can’t Rely On Him

When you are in a relationship with a married man, it will be hard to rely on him because his first commitment will always be to his spouse. If you have plans but something comes up with his family, he will choose them. And if you need him for emotional support but he has a prior commitment to his spouse, he will not be available for you.

4. The Relationship Is Built On a Fantasy

An affair is built on a fantasy. You are together for short amounts of time, where there are no outside demands and so everything feels perfect. You are not paying bills, managing children, or struggling with life’s ups and downs.

5. Your Needs Come Last

He may tell you that you are important and what you need is important, but you will never be first on his list. His work, family and friends, will come before you because how can they not? In reality, you don’t exist.

6. The Relationship Is Built On Deception

The affair starts off and is built on deception. He is deceiving his spouse and he is deceiving you – by telling you anything short from the truth, that the relationship is an affair.

7. You Are Viewed as the Homewrecker

There is a stigma against women who have affairs with married men. Although the man is equally guilty, in the eyes of society, you are cast as the homewrecker, the mistress, the ‘other woman.’

8. He Will Always Put You Second

No matter how ‘great’ you feel the relationship or how he treats you, you will always come second – regardless of what he tells you. His spouse and children will always be first.

9. There Is a Lack Of Respect

His actions speak loud and clear about his lack of respect for both you and his spouse. He is disrespecting his spouse by having an affair and he is disrespecting you by placing you second, not deserving of a full fledged relationship.

10. You Will Spend Holidays Alone

Most families have traditions around the holidays. He is no different. He may say that you will spend ‘some time’ together around the holidays, but in reality he will not be able to get away from his family to see you.

11. It Is an Unhealthy Relationship

The relationship starts out unhealthy. A healthy relationship is built on trust, honesty, integrity, open communication, and loyalty. An affair has none of those things.

12. The Relationship Is Imbalanced

An affair always puts the control of the relationship in the hands of the married man who is cheating. He will dictate when, where, and how you will get together. He will often determine the pace of the relationship. You may have a lot of time for him, but he will only have a few hours for you.

13. Your Communication Is Limited

In a healthy relationship, you can pick up the phone and call or text your partner at any time. However, with an affair, you cannot call or text him whenever you want to. He might not be able to respond for hours. If you are having a bad day or are struggling, he is rarely emotionally or physically available to you.

14. You Will Lie To Your Family & Friends

You will find yourself lying to your family and friends to maintain the secrecy of the relationship. You will make excuses to them as to why you are not able to show up or be with them. This may be out of character and so ask yourself, is this really the person you want to be?

15. There Is Little Freedom

Because affairs are secret and clandestine, there is little freedom in going and doing whatever it is you both want to do. The trips, getaways, and time together have to be planned. There is rarely an opportunity to be spontaneous. And where you go is equally important because he will be concerned that someone will see the two of you together.

16. He Might Be Lying to You

You know he is lying to his spouse, what are the chances that he is not lying to you? He might be telling you how bad his marriage is and how he is about to leave his spouse for you, but how do you know he is telling the truth?

17. You Miss Out on Healthier Opportunities

If you choose to have an affair, you are also choosing to say ‘no’ to other healthier opportunities. The longer you stay in this relationship, the longer you will miss out on dating other people who are healthier for you.

18. It Affects Your Mental Health

All of the waiting and waiting for him to contact you will begin to wear away at your mental health, leaving you an anxious mess. While you are having sleepless nights worrying about the next time you can see him, he is likely sleeping soundly in his bed.

19. He Gives You Broken Promises

You will experience many broken promises, from plans you’ve made to having a future together. He might have the intention of following through, but over time and because you are the ‘other person’, many of the promises he makes will be broken. This will harm the relationship and undermine any trust you might have in him.

20. You Will Disrupt Your Life

While you are having an affair with a married man, you are essentially putting your life on hold. You will be waiting for him to leave his spouse so your relationship can be taken to the next level. The more you focus on him and what he’s doing the less you are focusing on your goals and living your life with purpose.

Consequences of Having an Affair With a Married Man

There are many consequences of having an affair with a married man. These consequences not only affect the person having the affair but also the spouse who is being cheated on. Some of these consequences include betrayal trauma, post infidelity stress disorder, low self-esteem and prolonged grief.

Consequences of having an affair with a married man include:

• Betrayal trauma: After having an affair you can feel hurt, betrayed and angry by the person you had an affair with. Betrayal trauma prevents you from trusting others in the future, impacting upcoming relationships you get into.
• Attachment trauma: An affair is a form of unhealthy attachment. Once the affair is over, you can develop attachment trauma. This can create complex attachment issues in future relationships.
• Low self-esteem: The longer you stay in this unhealthy relationship, the more you will experience low self-esteem. You will feel like you don’t matter, and you don’t deserve to be someone’s primary focus.
• Low self-worth: Over time, the affair chips away at your sense of worth, which are the core beliefs you have about yourself. This causes you to question your direction and actions going forward.
• Prolonged grief: When this relationship ends, you will experience grief. This can develop into a prolonged grief disorder because the relationship was an affair, limiting the support you are able to receive.
• Negative self-image: You may start to focus on your faults and weaknesses. You will focus on all the things that you did wrong in the relationship and how you may feel you’ve failed.
• Mental health issues: People often feel extremely anxious during an affair, and then extremely depressed when the affair ends.
• Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): Many people experience post-infidelity stress disorder when an affair ends. Symptoms range from anxiety, trust and commitment issues, to nightmares and self-doubt.

When Can Therapy Help For An Affair?

There are many benefits of therapy for an individual having an affair with a married man. Therapy is a safe environment to explore what made a person drawn to having an affair. It will allow a person to heal, which will help them avoid being drawn to an affair in the future. Psychotherapy can teach a person healthy boundaries, and help a person to repair their self-esteem.

Therapy options for a person who is or has been in an affair with a married man include:

• Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy will allow the person to talk out their experience in order to be able to recognize patterns in their behavior and heal from their past. It can be particularly helpful for healing attachment trauma and betrayal trauma.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a form of behavioral therapy that challenges a person’s core beliefs and helps them to shift negative core beliefs to more positive ones. CBT can help to heal a person’s low self-esteem that they developed during the affair.
• Grief counseling: Grief counseling is a form of therapy designed specifically to help you work through the stages of grief when experiencing loss. When an affair is over, grief counseling can be helpful in addressing prolonged grief.

You can find online couples therapy with therapists who specialize in relationships, or use a self-guided or coach-led online program like Our Relationship.