What Is Compulsive Cheating Disorder? 7 Common Signs of a Cheater

Is Compulsive Cheating Disorder Real?

Like the majority of process addictions (except for gambling), compulsive cheating disorder is not officially recognized by the DSM. Likewise, research on the legitimacy of sex addiction is both controversial and vague.¹ That said, cheating may represent compulsive behavior and fall under the category of behavioral addictions, which may explain patterns of serial and chronic infidelity.

There are limited studies examining the data between compulsive cheating and mental health disorders. However, it’s likely that compulsive cheating overlaps with porn and sex compulsions. It may also be a symptom associated with certain personality disorders, including narcissistic, histrionic, antisocial, and borderline personality disorders.² Finally, people with substance use disorders may be more inclined to cheat when they’re under the influence.

Signs of Compulsive Cheating

While no two compulsive cheaters are identical, most of them often engage in consistent patterns of problematic behavior. Some struggle with commitment, whereas others dive into serious commitment without really being ready for it. Many compulsive cheaters are secretive and possessive over their belongings. They may also lie frequently about their actions, whereabouts, and general attitudes.

Some signs of compulsive cheating include:

• History of infidelity: Cheating often exists in patterns. If you know your partner has a history of being unfaithful to past partners, they may be more likely to be unfaithful to you, too.
• Other compulsive behaviors: Compulsive cheaters may struggle with other sexual vices, such as compulsive porn or masturbating. They may also engage in generally compulsive behaviors like substance use, disordered eating, gambling, or shopping.
• Phone possessiveness: Compulsive cheaters often try to conceal their behaviors. They may be very cautious when using technology or password-protect their devices to protect you from snooping.
• Unexplained absences: Compulsive cheaters often make up excuses as to why they’re not home. They may lie about working, spending time with friends, or taking care of other responsibilities.
• Frequent lying: You may find that compulsive cheaters lie about many other things. It can be hard to distinguish their version of the truth from the actual truth.
• Accusing you of infidelity: Some compulsive cheaters project their actions and guilt onto their partners. If they know other people cheat, they may assume that everyone does it.

7 Common Traits That Compulsive Cheaters Have

Compulsive cheaters don’t necessarily intend to be unfaithful to their partners. Many of them have good intentions to remain faithful, but certain personality traits and past experiences might trigger problematic behaviors. As a result, they continue engaging in similar cycles with multiple partners. If someone stays with them despite the cheating, it generally enables and reinforces their actions.

Here are seven common traits of compulsive cheaters:

1. They Get Bored Easily

Compulsive cheaters often fall in love with a fantasy. Subsequently, they may enjoy the lure of ‘the chase’ in getting someone, rather than being with someone. Once they secure the actual commitment associated with a relationship, they start to lose interest. Suddenly, their partner is a real person with a real personality, and the cheater might feel dissuaded from staying committed.

2. They’re Impulsive

Compulsive cheating can coincide with impulsivity. When someone is impulsive, they tend to seek instant gratification because they want the immediate effects of pleasure. Thus, they don’t think about the consequences thoroughly.³ Whether consciously or not, they opt to sacrifice long-term happiness for short-term relief. The cheater may perceive commitment as “too much work,” particularly if the relationship is in distress.

3. They’re Afraid of Being Alone

Despite their contradictory actions, many compulsive cheaters struggle with abandonment issues and fear loneliness. These problems can lead them to seek multiple sources of external validation. They want continuous reassurance that they are desired, loved, or otherwise special. Some chronic cheaters also want to have alternative options available, in case their primary relationship doesn’t work out.

4. They’re Opportunistic

Compulsive cheaters often experience heightened FOMO (or ‘fear of missing out’) when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. They struggle to live in the present moment and accept the good things they have. As a result, they constantly seek out new sources of validation. Some of them hold onto the hope that the ‘right person’ will motivate them to change their behavior.

5. They’re Outwardly Flirtatious

A compulsive cheater may appear to be charismatic and overly friendly when interacting with others. This flirting acts as an attempt to gain attention and gauge connections with potential partners.⁴ But if their current partner (or someone else) confronts the cheating, they will often deny the behavior. They may even engage in gaslighting behavior, such as telling the other person they’re “overreacting” or “being insecure.”

6. They Don’t Seem to Show Genuine Remorse

Compulsive cheaters may apologize when they make mistakes, but these apologies may seem stunted or forced. They don’t come across as authentic, and they may be loaded with blaming statements like, I’m sorry, but you’re barely home. If you’re on the receiving end of one of these statements, you may feel like you need to apologize!

7. They Fail to Keep Their Promises

Many compulsive cheaters make grandiose claims about changing their behavior. They promise to stop, and they swear they will be faithful. They may even go to great lengths to prove to their partners how dedicated they are. And yet, their promises fall flat time and time again. This pattern may be limited to fidelity, but it’s often symbolic of other patterns within the relationship.

However, those who do change behavior will often revert back to their compulsive cheating after a short period of time. While many will attempt to change their behaviors, most will not maintain this. Think of this like smoking–almost everyone has quit at some point, but go back to old habits later on.

How Is Compulsive Cheating Treated?

If compulsive cheating is impacting your well-being and relationships, it’s time to seek support. The right resources and coping skills can help you overcome urges and reestablish your priorities. In addition, if you believe you are addicted to sex or cheating, there are specific programs focused on changing behavior and making better choices in the future.

12-Step Programs

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Love Addicts Anonymous (LAA), and Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous (SPAA) are peer-led, 12-Step programs designed to help people recover from their addictions. Meetings are free, confidential, and accessible both in-person and virtually. Partners may benefit from Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) if they struggle with setting boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships.

Medical Treatment

Sometimes compulsive behavior stems from mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and OCD. Research shows that antidepressants may help reduce some of the obsessions and compulsions associated with cheating behavior.⁵ Keep in mind that medications alone rarely change behavior. But when used in conjunction with therapy and other lifestyle habits, they can stabilize mood and improve overall functioning.

Therapy

Marriage counseling can help with infidelity recovery, and can be used when partners want to resolve issues within their relationship or if they need support with the fallout of losing trust. If one or both partners feels ambivalent about staying in the relationship, discernment counseling can help, too. Still, it’s important to remember that marital issues do not always lead to compulsive/serial cheating. There could be significant marital issues present in a relationship, but until the serial cheater gets the individual treatment they need, no amount of couples therapy is going to help.

Individual therapy may help people address the issues that are leading them to compulsively cheat. It can help you understand the why behind your actions, and in turn help you better manage or process your behaviors in the future. You can start your search for the right therapist who is experienced in relationship issues using an online therapist directory.

How to Deal With a Compulsive Cheater

It’s important to recover from infidelity and take proactive steps to avoid it in the future. This is especially true if you want to stay in a committed relationship with your current partner. Infidelity can lead to negative impacts, such as infidelity PTSD, relationship anxiety, and relationship OCD. Remind yourself that you are not at fault for your cheating partner’s actions, and should not allow them to continue taking advantage of you. Understand that sometimes, even if you have the best intentions for your relationship, leaving is the best viable option.

Here are some ways to deal with a compulsive cheater:

• Decide if you want to stay together: If you are aware of your partner’s completed affairs or attempts to engage in cheating behaviors, it may be time to assess whether you are actually happy in your current relationship.
• Encourage treatment: People struggling with compulsive cheating tendencies or thoughts need to take direct action. Encourage your partner to seek the treatment that they need in order to address their compulsive cheating behaviors.
• Embrace open communication: Compulsive cheating occurs because one partner is unable to commit and uphold the relationship. Because of this, it’s important to make sure to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings about any past or present behavior you notice. If they’re not open to communication and improvement, be sure to consider if it’s necessary to leave the relationship.
• Establish clear boundaries: It’s important that you define explicit boundaries in your relationship that label cheating behaviors as not acceptable. You both need to know what “crossing the line” means.
• Cultivate relational self-awareness: Building relational self-awareness can help both partners recognize strengths and weaknesses in the relationship. It can help you come together to work through problems associated with trust and fidelity.
• Seek support: Support can be beneficial when cheating affects a relationship. Therapy, support groups, and trusted loved ones can offer guidance and compassion.

Final Thoughts

Whether compulsive cheating disorder is ‘real’ or not isn’t the question people should be asking. The reality is that people can and do struggle with this issue. If you have difficulty with commitment and continue disappointing yourself or your partner, it’s time for deeper self-reflection. Seeking treatment can help you understand your motives, change your ways, and improve your relationship satisfaction.