Family Stress: Examples, Causes, & How to Handle It

What Is Family Stress?

No one is immune to stress, but family stress can feel different due to it being experienced within intimate family relationships. There are many types of stress, including acute, acute, episodic, and chronic. Family stressors can be any of these three, but due to the rhythm of life, episodic acute stress may be experienced on a regular basis when conflictual parents arrive home after work, or monthly when financial stress is exacerbated when monthly bills are due.

Even if a particular stressor only seems to affect one member of a family, the interrelationships lead to each family member being affected in some way by the stress. In addition, stressors that are located within the family system can feel more intense due to them being within the relationships that we typically rely on to help us handle external stressors. Whether it is external or internal family stress, it can disrupt everyone’s well-being.

Healthy Vs. Toxic Stress

Stress is not necessarily a bad thing. Some stressors generate eustress, which is positive stress. These stressors are positive events, such as starting a new job, taking on new responsibilities, or going on a first date. Conversely, negative stress, or toxic stress, generates unhealthy psychological distress and can play havoc with physical health, as well.

Feeling a bit of stress-related anxiety about some events has been shown to enhance motivation and performance. A little bit of stress keeps us on our toes. However, toxic stress can show up in families in a variety of ways. For example, if a family member is suffering from an addiction, the entire family can experience toxic stress related to this person’s illness. Chronic stress on the job can be brought home and disrupt family functioning, causing unhealthy stress for others. Even more specific to families are relational difficulties, which can occur between family members, and can lead to an unhealthy and undesirable home environment.

Common Examples of Family Stress

Family stressors may vary across families, but the most frequently cited stressors include financial issues, division of labor, child-parent issues, and marital discord. In addition, mental illness or affective disorders can create stress due to the disruption they cause in normal functioning.

Every person is going to experience some form of stress in their lives, but its effect on an individual may be different from its effect on a family. Families are systems and when one member is negatively impacted by an event, there is often a ripple effect in which other family members are affected. The effect may be influenced by the family culture and the stability of the family unit. Stressors can test the strength of family bonds and even events that are viewed as positive may create challenges as the family seeks to find equilibrium when a new stressor is introduced.

Common examples of family stress include:

• Financial issues
• Work stress
• Disagreements about discipline
• Maintaining a work-life balance
• Visiting relatives
• Stepparents
• Overscheduled children and parents
• Serious illness of parent or child
• Birth of a child

What Causes Family Stress?

Humans crave routine and children thrive when their daily lives are predictable. However, when unexpected events occur or circumstances change, this can place stress on a family. When each member of the family knows the role they are meant to play in a family, and everyone is on the same page, family life tends to go along fairly smoothly. However, a stressor can throw a wrench into the family system and generate stress.

For instance, if a new baby enters the family, new routines will need to be developed and even sleeping arrangements may need to shift. When parents realize that they have different perspectives on appropriate discipline, this may lead to parental conflict as well as parent-child alliances at odds with the harsher disciplinarian. Another example would be the loss of one parent’s paid income; as money becomes tighter, this can generate stress as family activities or even residence may need to be scaled back.

Every family is different, so what causes stress for one family may not even be a “blip on the radar” for another. It’s important to recognize that if your family is experiencing stress over an event, then it’s a legitimate issue for your family. Below are common causes of family stress:

Financial Challenges

The most common cause of family stress is financial issues. Financial stress is frequently experienced and this impacts families in significant ways. When a person’s livelihood or residence is at risk, feelings of instability can result, and all members of a family may be on edge. When parents are worried about paying basic expenses or covering the “extras”, money anxiety can result. This type of anxiety can lead to physical and emotional dysfunction.

Another cause of family stress related to money is the presence of financial abuse in a marriage. This can occur if one partner controls all of the household finances and refuses to share control or information with their partner. This creates an imbalance between the couple and can do lasting emotional harm to the partner who is being kept in the dark.

Experiencing a Loss

Grief is a difficult passage for anyone who experiences the loss of someone they care about; however, when a family member passes away, the entire family can be impacted in complicated and compounded ways. In the loss of a child, the couple may be drawn tighter together in their grief or driven apart due to feelings of guilt or blame or overwhelm.

Children can be affected by the loss of a sibling as well as by any unresolved grief of the parent as remaining children may feel less important or appreciated when a parent is consumed by grief for the lost sibling. Children may also feel disenfranchised grief, which is grief not normally acknowledged publicly or by others. However, the loss of a sibling can be devastating for a child, and without having a place to work through it, their grief can come out in a variety of physical and behavioral symptoms.

In cases of the loss of a spouse, if children are still in the home, they may be expected to fill the role of the parent who has died. Depending on how the living parent manages their own grief, children may feel abandoned or orphaned if their remaining parent is so deep into their grief that they are unable to fulfill their parental role.

The Birth of a Child

Adding a new family member can be the most joyous occasion a family experiences, but it can add unexpected stress and anxiety to the family system. Newborn babies are unpredictable in their schedule and older babies or children add their own unique personalities and needs to the mix, as well. Parents must learn how to meet the new family member’s needs while continuing to meet everyone else’s needs.

Some new moms experience postpartum depression which can further exacerbate the stress of adding a new family member. Anytime a family changes its composition, the normal order of things is upset. Blending families also creates stress as each child tries to find their place in the newly constituted family.

Work Stressors

Unfortunately, work stress often bleeds into family time. Frustration on the job often cannot be expressed to the people who cause it, so the frustration and anger may be held at bay until a person arrives at the safety of their home. Ideally, the family would be a place of support, but some find it difficult to let go of negative feelings and focus on their home life. It’s especially difficult when someone works in a toxic work environment or reports to an abusive boss.

Divorce or Separation

When a couple decides to end their relationship it can have a devastating effect on children, even when the relationship is marred by constant conflict. The stress of separation can be significant as the effects of divorce on children can affect their emotional well-being, physical health, academic performance, social engagement, and behavioral development.

For parents, the loss of the other adult in the home can feel overwhelming as they try to navigate childcare on their own. The separated parent may experience stress related to the lack of daily involvement with their child and guilt about leaving their children. Financial stress for both parents is frequently experienced as the cost of supporting two households rather than one can be a challenge that leaves everyone feeling the financial strain.

Parental Relationship Issues

Stress results from conflict when parents are unable to address differences in a calm and collaborative manner. This stress affects the couple and their children. If a parent harbors resentment towards their partner, children pick up on the negative emotions even if parents try to hide their feelings. Criticism in parental relationships can be extremely stressful for children as well as adults. Constant criticism can lead to chronic stress which takes a toll on physical and emotional health.

Physical Illness of a Parent

When a parent is ill, even a brief bout of sickness can throw the caregiving of children and normal daily routines off balance. It can be stressful for the parent trying to keep things together while their partner is out of commission. When a parent is experiencing chronic or severe illness, there is an even heavier emotional toll that is borne by the healthy parent.

Parents may have to weigh the priorities of caregiving for their partner against caring for their children on occasion or routinely. Children are also often very frightened when a parent is ill as their fear of losing a parent can be strong; thus, the anxiety and stress for a child can be significant when a parent is ill.

Physical Illness of a Child

When a child is gravely ill, their well-being and care quickly become the focus of the family. Worrying about the child’s care can cause stress and if the child needs to be cared for in a hospital or other medical setting, the family can feel significantly stressed as they try to balance home responsibilities and spending time with their child. Financial worry might also be an issue if the child’s illness requires expensive or prolonged care.

In addition, if there are siblings, they may feel stress as they try to balance their worries about their sick sibling and keep up with daily activities or schoolwork. Children may also be fearful of being diagnosed with the same illness that their sibling is battling.

When a child has even a minor illness, this may create stress if the child must be kept at home due to daycare or school requirements. Deciding which parent can take time away from work can cause stress and if wages are lost, that adds to the anxiety.

Mental Health Disorder of a Parent

When a parent is suffering from a physical illness, others can “see” that the parent is sick. Support network members may come together to provide meals, respite care for a caregiver, and childcare. When a parent is suffering from a mental health illness, there is often shame felt by the family and less awareness by others of the challenges the family is facing so there is less external support.

In addition, even disorders as common as depression and anxiety can take a parent out of commission. Children can feel confused by their parent’s absence from normal daily life or their parent’s inability to participate in conversations, mealtimes, or social events in the way that other parents do. The partner may feel overwhelmed by the symptoms their partner shows and feel significant stress in trying to help their partner manage their illness while ensuring that the family routine is maintained as well as possible.

Mental Health Disorder of a Child

Children are not immune to mental illness and may experience bouts of depression, anxiety, and other more severe mental disorders. The stigma associated with mental illness can generate family stress as parents feel confused and hesitant to reach out for assistance from mental health providers. Parents may also feel guilt for their child’s symptoms or, alternatively, try to lay blame for the illness on their partner or another family member.

If their child’s mental health issues result in poor behavior and antagonism or acting out, the stress is magnified as parents may be contacted by school personnel or the parents of other children who may have been harmed by their child.

Parental Responsibilities

Aside from the major upheavals that a family can face, parental responsibilities can create a great deal of stress. When parents over-schedule their children or have too many commitments and obligations themselves, they may feel overwhelmed trying to manage so much. In some cases, parental burnout can develop as parents try to live up to other’s expectations of what a successful parent should be able to accomplish.

Changes in Living Situations

Most of us expect life outside the home to be more unpredictable and stressful than life within the home; however, if significant changes happen in the home, significant stress can result. Changes in living situations may include others moving in with the family or family members moving out.

Changes may also be related to relocation to a new dwelling. Financial stress may exacerbate these changes – if money has gotten tighter, a family may need to move to a less expensive residence. If the family’s financial situation changes for the better, relocation to a new home may be a positive thing, overall, but stress from the move is still likely.

Impacts of Family Stress

Stress can play a significant role in your overall well-being, including psychological functioning, physical wellness, and emotional stability. In families, one person’s stress can quickly spread to other family members and stress can also fray family relationships. When stress continues for too long a period or the stressor becomes a permanent problem, family systems may experience significant changes which can potentially lead to a dysfunctional family dynamic.

Family systems are seldom static, so they respond to chronic stressors, such as addictions, mental illness, and unresolved grief. Family functioning may shift and children may become parentified, chronic stress-related illnesses may occur, and other dysfunctional patterns may develop. Depending on the ability of the family to right itself, these patterns may be short-term concerns or long-term problems.

Impacts of stress may include:

• Increased substance use: When a family member tries to self-medicate using substances, addiction can become an even greater stressor due to the deleterious effects that alcoholism has on families.
• Academic performance issues: Children need to be able to focus in school, but when their family life is in turmoil, their ability to focus in the classroom can be overshadowed by worries about home life.
• School attendance problems: If a child is parentified, meaning they have been informally placed in the caregiving role for a parent, they may feel that they are needed at home to help keep the family running. They may also experience school anxiety as a bleed-over from the anxiety they feel related to family stress.
• Increased conflict: Some of the by-products of stress include anxiety and irritability which can exacerbate conflict among family members.
• Compromised physical health: When emotionally stressed, our bodies may go into a fight-or-flight mode and this can result in high blood pressure, chest pain, digestive issues, and chronic headaches and body aches. The human body isn’t designed to function optimally under high-stress conditions and the fallout from stress can take a significant toll.
• Increased likelihood of accidents: These can include traffic accidents, clumsiness, and running into things, among others. When the brain is overwhelmed with worry and anxiety about the stressor, it is harder to stay focused on the here and now and the conditions around you.
• Unhealthy self-soothing behaviors: In addition to the risk of substance abuse, some people may turn to overeating, sleeping too much, or “vegging out” in front of the television instead of addressing the cause of the stress.

7 Tips for Handling Family Stress

Handling family stress is similar to handling personal stress, but parents need to recognize that they can only do what they can do. Taking full responsibility for everyone’s well-being is not feasible, so focus on achievable goals and celebrate successes along the way.

Below are 7 tips for handling family stress:

1. Maintain Self-Care

Maintaining your own self-care places you in the best position to help other family members. The benefits of self-care for mental health include fostering a better attitude and perspective. You’ll also be modeling healthy self-care routines for your children.

 2. Seek Professional Support

When you are feeling so overwhelmed by stress that you’re unable to maintain daily functioning at your normal level, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. You may want to engage in individual therapy, couples or marriage counseling,  or perhaps family therapy if you feel that everyone is being affected by the stress. If you have adolescents, they may prefer to work individually with a therapist and it is possible to find a great therapist for your teen by asking friends, family, your physician, or looking online.

3. Learn Better Ways to Communicate

Stress can be isolating in many cases, but knowing how to communicate in a relationship effectively can be an excellent stress management tool. Encouraging family meetings and reminding yourself that family members should prioritize mutual support may help you better deal with relationship conflict.

As a parent, children will take their stress management cues from you, so focus on positive means of communication and do your best to keep your calm and keep your messages clear so that you can avoid losing your temper and, if it’s a problem, stop yelling at your kids.

4. Foster Healthy Self-Esteem

Maintaining a healthy level of self-esteem is an excellent protective factor from stress. When we feel good about our ability to deal with life’s upsets, we tend to feel a lot less stress and feel able to roll with the punches. In addition to using positive self-talk and acknowledging your past successes as a way to boost your own self-esteem, be sure to engage in practices that help build your child’s self-esteem.

5. Maintain a Routine

One of the most important ways of managing stress is through maintaining a reliable, predictable household routine. When people know what is coming next, it lowers their stress and provides a sense of continuity in their lives. For instance, looking forward to “reading time” at bedtime, a favorite program, or a particular meal on Mondays are small ways to ensure that there is an anchor in a potentially chaotic week.

6. Practice Relaxation Techniques Together

The best way to manage stress is to engage in an intentional relaxation technique that lowers anxiety, heart rate, blood pressure, and stress level. In addition to being a “quick fix,” regular practice of these techniques provides a protective factor against future stress. As you master your own techniques, you can engage the family with mindfulness for kids or mindful activities for teens. Everyone can reap the benefits of mindfulness and relaxation practices.

7. Revisit Your Parenting Style

Sometimes parents make things harder for themselves than they should be if their parenting style doesn’t fit their personality or their children’s needs. While some parents want to protect and advocate for their children, be careful of the stress that can come from helicopter parenting and lawnmower parenting. Consider taking an objective perspective on how your parenting practices may be creating undue stress for you or the family. Perhaps everyone might benefit from a switch to gentle parenting or nacho parenting, in the case of blended families.