Hysterical bonding is an emotion-focused coping strategy that a person employs to help deal with the hurt and pain of infidelity. Some individuals may not be aware that they are engaging in such behavior as it may not be fully conscious to them. What’s best to keep in mind is that there is no right or wrong way to behave after someone has cheated. The couple may choose to continue their relationship and work through any issues that arise between them.
What Is Hysterical Bonding?
There are two strategies for dealing with issues: problem-focused and emotion-focused.1 Hysterical bonding is an emotion-focused coping strategy that occurs after infidelity or betrayal in a romantic relationship. It can occur in the confines of sexual affairs as much as emotional affairs. The infidelity that was experienced can be so overwhelming that a person finds it best to deploy a coping strategy that allows them to continue with the relationship and not end it.
The betrayed partner may experience a surge of emotions, including anger, sadness, and fear. Even though infidelity occurred, there is still fear of losing that partner. The betrayed may also feel a strong desire to re-establish a sense of emotional intimacy and connection with their partner, which can manifest as intense sexual desire and activity. The partner who committed the infidelity may also participate in hysterical bonding, as they may feel guilty and want to prove their commitment to the relationship. This coping strategy is not a sustainable solution to the underlying issues in the relationship. It is usually not enough to repair the damage caused by infidelity.
Not all decisions to stay with a partner after infidelity are due to hysterical bonding. Some people choose to stay after their partner cheated because they love them and want to work it out, or want to stay together for practical reasons (for the kids, financial concerns, etc).
Signs of Hysterical Bonding
The signs of hysterical bonding may be subtle or overt. It can be something as simple as one partner wanting to spend more time with the other, such as a strong desire for physical and emotional connection, often including an increased frequency of sexual activity. While it can occur in both men and women, it may be more commonly reported by women.
Common signs of hysterical bonding include:
Rumination on the Infidelity
A person cheating can be felt as a deep personal wound. Sex can be a symbol of emotional intimacy and connection. The thought of a partner sharing that with someone else can undermine a sense of trust and security.
Infidelity can bring about issues of insecurity as they may believe that it would not have happened if only they had sex more with their partner or if the sex they had was more adventurous or wild. Thinking this way will only lead to more intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Self-doubt, anxiety, and low self-esteem may also result from someone blaming themselves.
Increased Depression
Infidelity can be traumatizing and emotionally distressing to an individual. The more a person ruminates and questions their attractiveness and reasons for the infidelity, the deeper it can drive them into a state of sadness and hopelessness. Depressive symptoms that may be present include loss of interest or pleasure in activities, fatigue, sleep disturbances, issues with concentration, and feelings of guilt or worthlessness.
Increased Frequency of Sex
The betrayed partner may feel a need to reconnect with their partner physically and emotionally, to reaffirm their bond and alleviate feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. This can provide a temporary sense of relief or validation. The partner may feel that if they have more sex, it will save the relationship, especially if there is a misunderstanding of why the affair occurred and that it only revolves around sex.
Strong Feelings of Desperation
The betrayed partner may feel they need to bend over backward and do anything to keep the betrayer within their good graces. Feeling desperation may have them putting the needs of the other first and ignoring themselves. A heightened sense of possessiveness or jealousy may result. The betrayed partner may experience intense feelings of fear or anxiety about being alone or losing their partner, which can result in a sense of desperation and a willingness to overlook or tolerate unacceptable behavior.
A Desire for Constant Physical Contact and Attention
The betrayed partner may feel a sense of fear or uncertainty about the relationship. They may hinge the future on the relationship working out on the amount of time and attention they get from the partner. They may require constant reassurance and comfort from their partner, resulting in a temporary sense of closeness and codependency.
A Preference to Rely Solely on the Partner for Support
Infidelity can bring about a range of conflicting emotions. The betrayed partner may feel a sense of shame or embarrassment about the relationship. They may feel a sense of loyalty and commitment to their partner to ensure that they stick around and do not leave them. All of these emotions can result in a reluctance to seek outside help. They may delude themselves into believing they need only their partner and miss out on the perspective and experience that comes from others.
A Temporary Suppression of Negative Emotions Towards the Partner
The accompanying feelings from infidelity are uncomfortable. As a result, the betrayed partner may suppress negative emotions towards their partner as they can be too overwhelming to encounter actively. Suppressing emotions is also a way of avoiding conflict and maintaining the relationship. Although it does not work as a long-term solution, it can be enough to make someone feel happy and content through escapism.
What Causes Hysterical Bonding?
The exact causes of hysterical bonding can vary from person to person. Several factors can lead to this type of coping skill. Some potential causes can be fear of losing a partner, need for validation, desire for control, and trauma bonding. Since hysterical bonding can be seen as a primitive form of emotional coping, given that it is not sophisticated and simply a reaction to getting hurt, it may also form from someone having poor attachments before. They may feel that relationships are fragile and have an impaired sense of themselves.
In most cases, the infidelity is not caused by the betrayed partner, and the cheated partner is not responsible for their partner’s decision to cheat. However, the betrayed partner may feel guilty or responsible for the infidelity, leading to their desire to engage in hysterical bonding.
The betrayed partner may hope that by engaging in sexual behavior, they can “win them back” and restore the relationship to its previous state. They also may think that they had a sexless marriage and are therefore trying to make up for this lack of sex.
Common causes of hysterical bonding include:
- Believing an impressive sex life is the key to commitment
- Believing your partner’s infidelity is caused by something you’ve done
- Poor relationship attachments
- Ineffective coping strategies
- Insecurity and a need for validation
- Unresolved issues in the relationship
6 Tips for Overcoming Hysterical Bonding
Overcoming hysterical bonding can be a difficult process. With time, effort, and support, people can move beyond it. While it may provide temporary relief and comfort, it is not a healthy or sustainable way to cope with the trauma of infidelity. It can also prevent you from addressing underlying issues in the relationship and may lead to further emotional distress. It may serve as a temporary phase that helps partners spend more time together. However, focusing on building greater understanding, communication, and healing is more important.
Below are six tips for overcoming hysterical bonding:
1. Process Your Feelings
Processing your feelings means recognizing your emotions and how they influence your behavior. It helps not to deny or repress your emotions. Processing your feelings can be helpful as it allows you to acknowledge and accept your emotions, help gain perspective, encourage healthy coping strategies, and promote healing and growth.
2. Prioritize Your Own Needs
Focusing on fulfilling emotional needs is important as it helps rebuild a sense of self-worth and confidence and makes it easier to find happiness and fulfillment. You can prioritize yourself by promoting self-care, focusing on your well-being, and seeking healthy relationships. Prioritizing yourself improves self-esteem and helps foster forgiveness.
People can learn to forgive themselves for their perceived role in the matter. Forgiveness can be a difficult and complex process. It is essential to acknowledge and accept responsibility, practice self-compassion, seek support, and focus on personal growth
3. Take a Break
Taking a break in a relationship helps by providing individuals with the space and time they need to process emotions and make decisions about the relationship. It allows someone to step back from the intensity of emotions and gain clarity about the next steps. It can be beneficial to both partners as it gives them time to reflect on their behaviors and feelings and consider what changes they may need to make to move forward.
4. Have a Structured Conversation
Structured conversations can help by providing a safe and structured communication space for partners. These conversations should involve setting aside time to talk about infidelity calmly and respectfully, focusing on understanding each other’s perspectives and needs. The goal of these conversations is to work towards rebuilding trust, understanding, and emotional intimacy in the relationship. Partners can address the underlying issues that may have led to the infidelity, such as emotional disconnection, communication breakdown, or unmet needs.
5. Know When to Walk Away
Creating boundaries and knowing how to break up with someone allows individuals to acknowledge when a relationship is no longer healthy or fulfilling. Walking away can be difficult, but it can be necessary when a partner has repeatedly violated trust or when the relationship is causing more harm than good. This type of bonding may not be sustainable in the long term if the underlying issues are not addressed. Staying in a relationship solely based on hysterical bonding may lead to further emotional pain and instability.
6. Avoid Impulsive Decisions
We can make foolish decisions when we are emotionally overwhelmed. It is always best to avoid impulsive decisions for well-thought-out plans. Individuals need to take time to process their emotions and make thoughtful, rational decisions about the relationship. Hysterical bonding can create intense emotional reactions, and individuals may be tempted to make hasty decisions. Avoiding impulsive decisions does not mean avoiding making any decisions at all. It means taking the time to make intentional and deliberate decisions that are informed by a clear understanding of the situation.
When to Seek Professional Help
It is best to seek help when you are overwhelmed and stuck with how to decide. Friends and family may not be objective enough, and seeking the support and guidance of someone outside of the situation may be necessary to create a plan. Some pieces to keep in mind when seeking out a therapist are when the relationship becomes abusive, when the emotional distress is too great, when forgiveness is challenging, and when you want to explore your own personal growth.
Marriage counseling can certainly help after infidelity if both parties are motivated and engaged in the process. Fixing the relationship should be a high priority for those entering couples counseling. Finding a marriage counselor can be daunting, but plenty of online marriage counseling services can help guide you in the right direction.
Final Thoughts
Hysterical bonding is a complex and often painful experience that can occur after infidelity. While it can provide temporary comfort and emotional relief, it may not address the underlying issues that led to the infidelity. Understanding the causes and signs of hysterical bonding, and implementing strategies to overcome it, can help individuals navigate this difficult experience and make informed decisions about the future. Seeking professional help can be a valuable tool when feeling overwhelmed. Healing requires a willingness to confront and process difficult emotions, prioritize emotional and personal growth, and make decisions that align with one’s values and needs.
Hysterical Bonding Infographics
