Hysterical Bonding: What It Means & How to Overcome It

Understanding Hysterical Bonding After Infidelity

There are two strategies for dealing with issues: problem-focused and emotion-focused.¹ Hysterical bonding is an emotion-focused coping strategy that occurs after infidelity or betrayal in a romantic relationship. It can occur in the confines of sexual affairs as much as emotional affairs.

Infidelity can be overwhelming, leading people to use coping strategies to stay in the relationship. The betrayed partner may experience a surge of emotions, including anger, sadness, and fear. Even though infidelity occurred, there is still fear of losing that partner. The betrayed may also feel a strong desire to re-establish a sense of emotional intimacy and connection with their partner, which can manifest as intense sexual desire and activity.

The partner who committed the infidelity may also participate in hysterical bonding, as they may feel guilty and want to prove their commitment to the relationship. This coping strategy is not a sustainable solution to the underlying issues in the relationship. It is usually not enough to repair the damage caused by infidelity.

Not all decisions to stay with a partner after infidelity are due to hysterical bonding. Some people choose to stay after their partner cheated because they love them and want to work it out, or want to stay together for practical reasons (for the kids, financial concerns, etc).

Why Does Hysterical Bonding Happen?

Hysterical bonding is generally a coping mechanism driven by fear, insecurity, or past relationship patterns. Several factors can contribute to a hysterical bonding response, including fear of losing a partner, a need for validation, a desire for control, and trauma bonding.

Hysterical bonding can be seen as a primitive form of emotional coping, an instinctive response to emotional pain rather than a long-term solution. People with insecure attachment styles or past relationship trauma may be more likely to respond with hysterical bonding, as they might consider relationships as fragile or be unsure of their own self-worth.

In most cases, infidelity is a choice made by the unfaithful partner and not caused by the betrayed partner. The betrayed individual may still feel responsible or guilty, leading them to engage in hysterical bonding in hopes of repairing their relationship. Some people might think increasing sexual intimacy will win their partner back, especially if they had a sexless marriage and think that contributed to the infidelity.

Common Causes of Hysterical Bonding

Hysterical bonding is often driven by emotional insecurities. While each person’s experience is unique, certain patterns commonly contribute to this response.

Common causes of hysterical bonding include:

• Believing an impressive sex life is the key to commitment
• Believing your partner’s infidelity is caused by something you’ve done
• Insecure attachment styles and past relationship trauma
• Ineffective coping strategies for emotional pain
• Insecurity and a need for validation
• Unresolved issues in the relationship

How to Break the Cycle of Hysterical Bonding

Overcoming hysterical bonding can be a difficult process. With time, effort, and support, people can move beyond it. While hysterical bonding may provide temporary relief and comfort, it is not a healthy or sustainable way to cope with the trauma of infidelity. It can also prevent you from addressing underlying issues in the relationship and may lead to further emotional distress. It may serve as a temporary phase that helps partners spend more time together. However, focusing on building greater understanding, communication, and healing is more important.

Below are six tips for overcoming hysterical bonding:

1. Process Your Feelings

Processing your emotions means recognizing how they affect your thoughts and behavior rather than suppressing or ignoring them. It helps not to deny or repress your emotions. Processing your feelings can be helpful as it allows you to acknowledge and accept your emotions, help gain perspective, encourage healthy coping strategies, and promote healing and growth.

2. Prioritize Your Own Needs

Focusing on fulfilling emotional needs is important as it helps rebuild a sense of self-worth and confidence and makes it easier to find happiness and fulfillment. You can prioritize yourself by promoting self-care, focusing on your well-being, and seeking healthy relationships. Prioritizing yourself improves self-esteem and helps foster forgiveness.

People can learn to forgive themselves for their perceived role in the matter. Forgiveness can be a difficult and complex process. It is essential to acknowledge and accept responsibility, practice self-compassion, seek support, and focus on personal growth

3. Take a Break

Taking a break in a relationship gives individuals time to process emotions and make relationship decisions. It allows someone to step back from the intensity of emotions and gain clarity about the next steps. It can be beneficial to both partners as it gives them time to reflect on their behaviors and feelings and consider what changes they may need to make to move forward.

4. Have a Structured Conversation

Structured conversations can help by providing a safe and structured communication space for partners. These conversations should involve setting aside time to talk about infidelity calmly and respectfully, focusing on understanding each other’s perspectives and needs. The goal of these conversations is to work towards rebuilding trust, understanding, and emotional intimacy in the relationship. Partners can address the underlying issues that may have led to the infidelity, such as emotional disconnection, communication breakdown, or unmet needs.

5. Know When to Walk Away

Creating boundaries and knowing when and how to break up with someone allows individuals to acknowledge when a relationship is no longer healthy or fulfilling. Walking away and learning how to stop loving someone can be difficult, but it can be necessary when a partner has repeatedly violated trust or when the relationship is causing more harm than good. This type of bonding may not be sustainable in the long term if the underlying issues are not addressed. Staying in a relationship solely based on hysterical bonding may lead to further emotional pain and instability.

6. Avoid Impulsive Decisions

We can make foolish decisions when we are emotionally overwhelmed. It is always best to avoid impulsive decisions for well-thought-out plans. Individuals need to take time to process their emotions and make thoughtful, rational decisions about the relationship. Hysterical bonding can create intense emotional reactions, and individuals may be tempted to make hasty decisions. Avoiding impulsive decisions means making thoughtful, informed choices.

Signs of Hysterical Bonding

The signs of hysterical bonding may be subtle or overt. It can be something as simple as one partner wanting to spend more time with the other, such as a strong desire for physical and emotional connection, often including an increased frequency of sexual activity. While it can occur in both men and women, it may be more commonly reported by women.

Common signs of hysterical bonding include:

Rumination on the Infidelity

A person cheating can be felt as a deep personal wound. Sex can be a symbol of emotional intimacy and connection. A partner’s infidelity can deeply undermine trust and security.

Infidelity can bring about issues of insecurity as they may believe that it would not have happened if only they had sex more with their partner or if the sex they had was more adventurous or wild. Thinking this way will only lead to more intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Self-doubt, anxiety, and low self-esteem may also result from someone blaming themselves.

Increased Depression

Infidelity can be traumatizing and emotionally distressing to an individual. The more a person ruminates and questions their attractiveness and reasons for the infidelity, the deeper it can drive them into a state of sadness and hopelessness. Depressive symptoms may include loss of interest or pleasure in activities, fatigue, sleep disturbances, issues with concentration, and feelings of guilt or worthlessness.

Increased Frequency of Sex

The betrayed partner may feel a need to reconnect with their partner physically and emotionally, to reaffirm their bond and alleviate feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. This can provide a temporary sense of relief or validation. The partner may feel that if they have more sex, it will save the relationship, especially if there is a misunderstanding of why the affair occurred and that it only revolves around sex.

Strong Feelings of Desperation

The betrayed partner may feel an overwhelming need to do anything to keep their partner from leaving, often at their own expense. They might prioritize their partner’s needs over their own, ignoring their well-being in the process. This desperation can lead to increased possessiveness or jealousy. Fear of being alone or losing the relationship may also drive them to tolerate unacceptable behavior, even when it goes against their best interests.

A Desire for Constant Physical Contact & Attention

The betrayed partner may feel a sense of fear or uncertainty about the relationship. They may hinge the future on the relationship working out on the amount of time and attention they get from the partner. They may require constant reassurance and comfort from their partner, resulting in a temporary sense of closeness and codependency.

A Preference to Rely Solely on the Partner for Support

Infidelity can bring about a range of conflicting emotions. The betrayed partner may feel a sense of shame or embarrassment about the relationship. They may feel a sense of loyalty and commitment to their partner to ensure that they stick around and do not leave them. All of these emotions can result in a reluctance to seek outside help. They may convince themselves that their partner is the only support they need, missing out on valuable perspective and guidance from others.

A Temporary Suppression of Negative Emotions Towards the Partner

The accompanying feelings from infidelity are uncomfortable. As a result, the betrayed partner may suppress negative emotions towards their partner as they can be too overwhelming to encounter actively. Suppressing emotions is also a way of avoiding conflict and maintaining the relationship. Although it does not work as a long-term solution, it can be enough to make someone feel happy and content through escapism.

How Long Does Hysterical Bonding Last?

Hysterical bonding is typically a short-term response to infidelity or betrayal, lasting anywhere from a few days to a few months. The duration varies depending on the individuals involved and the state of the relationship. This phase is driven by heightened emotions and the desire to restore a sense of connection, which may diminish as the initial shock and urgency subside.

However, hysterical bonding is not a sustainable solution. Over time, unresolved issues such as broken trust, communication gaps, and emotional pain resurface. For some couples, this leads to deeper conversations and healing, while for others, the relationship may deteriorate further. The key to moving past this phase lies in addressing the underlying causes of the betrayal and working toward healthier ways of coping, whether through open communication, therapy, or personal growth.

When to Seek Professional  Help

It is best to seek help when you are overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed. Friends and family may not be objective enough, and seeking the support and guidance of someone outside of the situation may be necessary to create a plan. Consider therapy if the relationship is abusive, emotional distress is overwhelming, or forgiveness is difficult.

Marriage counseling can help after infidelity if both parties are motivated and engaged in the process. Fixing the relationship should be a high priority for those entering couples counseling. Finding a marriage counselor can be daunting, but plenty of online marriage counseling services can help guide you in the right direction.