Imago therapy, also called Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), is an approach most often used in couples therapy. Imago therapists work based on the Imago theory that most conflicts that show up in adult relationships stem from old, unresolved childhood trauma.1,2,3 This type of therapy is offered by some couples therapists, but it’s also provided by clergy, educators, and healthcare professionals in workshops, retreats, groups, or online courses.4
What Is Imago Therapy?
Imago therapy is an approach commonly used to help couples struggling with conflict, communication, or intimacy. The premise of the Imago approach is that each person develops an “image” of love and relationships that’s largely based on their early childhood experiences. Imago therapists believe unresolved traumatic childhood experiences or attachment wounds from childhood cause people to develop rigid expectations and defenses that cause problems in their relationships.1,2
The goal of Imago Relationship Therapy is to help couples heal old childhood wounds by recognizing and interrupting old patterns, and then developing healthier ones. It has a heavy focus on the use of empathy, teaching couples to communicate in more compassionate and loving ways. The end goal is for couples to have a more “conscious” intentional relationship that fosters intimacy and connection.1,2,3
Concepts & Techniques Used In Imago Therapy
Imago therapy rests on the idea that unresolved issues from childhood follow people into their adult relationships, and that the conflicts they create are opportunities for healing and growth.1 For this reason, imago therapists tend to focus on identifying these old issues and helping couples see how they’re showing up now. The next part of therapy involves helping the couple learn how to foster more intimacy.2
Imago Relationship Therapy helps couples foster intimacy by teaching these concepts:
- Being present with each other: learning to see and relate to each other in new ways, including seeing each other as separate and different from themselves
- Learning new ways of talking to your partner: learning how to create more dialogue and open conversation, and less one-sided conversations and monologues
- Replacing judgement with curiosity: helping couples approach one another with an open and curious mindset to avoid becoming critical, negative, or judgmental
- Infusing the relationship with positive feelings: helping couples find positive ways to connect, bond, relate, validate, and support one another through words and actions
What Can Imago Therapy Help With?
Imago therapy is not as popular or widely used as other types of marriage and couples therapy, including the Gottman method or emotionally focused couples therapy. It has also not been very well researched. Still, the heavy focus on empathy development in IRT is important, as increased empathy has been proven to improve trust, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.3
Couples who may benefit from this approach include:5
- Couples who have unhealthy communication styles or a lot of relationship conflict
- Couples who avoid difficult but important conversations
- Relationships where there is a lack of sexual or emotional intimacy
- Couples who struggle with jealousy, infidelity, or trust issues
- Individuals who don’t feel heard, seen, or understood by their partners
- Relationships where one or both partners experienced childhood trauma
- Couples who have trouble communicating or often misunderstand each other
- Relationships where one or both partners become reactive, critical, or defensive
Imago Therapy Examples
Imago Relationship Therapy contains many abstract ideas and theories, so having some specific examples of how it may be used can help couples know what to expect. For example, it may be used for a couple that starts fighting more about moving in together, a couple considering separation after an affair, and a couple considering an open relationship.
Here are three examples of how an IRT therapist might help couples dealing with different issues:
Example 1: A Couple That Begins Fighting More After Moving In Together
It’s common for couples to fight more after a big transition, including moving in together. At this point, they may begin fighting more and getting more easily frustrated. Instead of having fun and enjoying each other’s company, they may spend more time fighting over dishes, money, or who does more around the house. The increased conflict makes them wonder if they’re really compatible.
An Imago therapist working with this couple might use a number of different techniques to help re-establish intimacy, reduce conflict, and create more positive interactions. For starters, they may help them understand how each of their parent’s divided chores around the home, and how this impacts their expectations of one another.
Next, they might help the couple identify some of the core unresolved issues from childhood that may be showing up. For example, feeling unappreciated, taken advantage of, or held to unrealistic expectation may be core issues that one or both people remember feeling as a child.1,2
Once patterns are identified, an IRT therapist might teach the couple how to validate each other’s feelings and needs by teaching them:2
- How to communicate with one another about their feelings when they’re feeling triggered
- How to respond empathetically to one another when they’re triggered
- How to use mirroring techniques to prove they’re listening to one another
- How to express appreciation for the contributions each of them makes around the home
Example 2: A Couple Considering Separation After an Affair
Another common relationship problem is infidelity, which may involve sexual or emotional intimacy outside of the relationship. When infidelity occurs in a committed relationship, it can test and threaten the limits of the relationship to the breaking point. Many people turn to couples therapy after infidelity to begin the healing process or decide whether or not they want to stay.
An Imago Relationship Therapist may spend a lot of time helping to make space for the partner who was cheated on to express their feelings about the affair. They may also provide coaching to the partner who was unfaithful on how to validate these feelings without becoming reactive or defensive. In some cases, there are old childhood traumas or betrayals that may also be contributing to the affair and how the partner responded to it.1,3
After exploring and processing the feelings and reactions surrounding the affair, if the couple decides to commit to working on the relationship, an IRT therapist may:2
- Help each partner take the perspective of the other and and act or role-play what they imagine the other is feeling or thinking
- Discuss ways that both partners can try to de-personalize the affair to identify underlying root causes or issues that may have caused disconnection
- Help the couple rebalance the relationship through positive interactions and conversations that aren’t focused on the affair
- Help the couple find ways to restore trust and rebuild intimacy to move on from the affair and use it as a chance to build a stronger, better relationship
Example 3: A Couple Considering an Open Relationship
Polyamory or non-monogamous relationships are becoming more common, and more couples are considering, discussing, or trying an “open relationship.” Even early discussions about non-monogomy can stir up intense jealousy, hurt, and anger, and one partner may be more resistant than another. This can create a conflict, especially if one partner feels that they want or need an open relationship to be happy, or makes it an “ultimatum.”
A couple seeking IRT because one partner wants an open relationship and the other partner is unsure could expect to have a lot of open conversations about their feelings and needs.4 An IRT therapist may challenge both partners to explore the underlying driver behind the strong feelings they each have about opening the relationship.
In some cases, old fears related to feeling trapped, betrayed, or abandonment issues may be contributing to these reactions. In other cases, there may be a lack of sexual or emotional intimacy in the relationship, and “opening” the relationship is an attempt to meet this need elsewhere.
Regardless of whether the couple decides to proceed with an open relationship or remain monogamous, a therapist using an Imago approach may:2
- Help each partner become curious about the feelings, wants, and needs of the other by asking questions and trying to deeply listen and understand
- Encourage each partner to verbally validate the feelings, wants, and needs of the other out loud in a session
- Help the couple develop rituals and routines that help to foster more emotional and sexual intimacy in their relationship
- Asking for a re-commitment to the relationship, which could come in the form of agreeing to attend a certain number of sessions together before or during the first instance of non-monogamy
How to Find an Imago Therapist
Most people searching for an Imago therapist are looking for couples counseling. Couples counseling is unique in a few ways, including how and where it is offered. For example, some couples choose to attend an Imago Relationship Therapy workshop, retreat, or online course with their partner. The Imago Relationships of North America website offers many of these options and answers common questions about IRT.
Others prefer to attend sessions in an office with an IRT therapist. Many people use online therapist directories to find therapists with specializations. When you are looking for a therapist, it’s always important to consider their training and specialties. Assess whether their approach is a good “match” for you and your partner’s needs. Many therapists offer free or low-cost consultations to help you make this decision.
Who Is Able to Offer Imago Therapy?
Therapists, counselors, and psychologists can seek IRT training. The Imago International Training Institute also offers a certification for professional counselors as well as teachers, clergy, and healthcare professionals. This means not everyone who provides IRT workshops/sessions is licensed as a counselor, but the institute requires they have a Masters in one of the aforementioned disciplines.4
Cost of Imago Therapy
Because Imago therapy is offered in many different formats (e.g., online courses, live retreats or workshops, therapy sessions, etc.), the cost varies. For example, some of the two-day Imago workshops for couples begin at around $700.4 The cost of couples therapy can range between $100-$250 per session, depending on where you live and the type of provider you see.
What to Expect in Imago Relationship Therapy
Couples who seek IRT can expect to do a lot of communication, often about emotional, difficult, or sensitive topics. Because Imago therapists emphasize the role that early childhood experiences play in adult relationship issues, it’s likely that people in IRT will be asked to discuss their childhood. In some instances, this can stir up difficult memories and emotions, especially if they’ve never discussed these issues before.2,4
Couples in IRT will be asked to validate and support their partners in and outside of sessions. They may also be asked to take the perspective of their partner and do role-plays where they pretend to be their partner or repeat things back.2 In a lot of cases, these are new and different ways of communicating that can feel uncomfortable at first.
Couples in Imago Relationship Therapy will often be asked to do homework between sessions. For example, they may be asked to practice the communication and empathy skills they used in session, come up with ideas about how to surprise each other, or plan a fun activity together.2 These assignments are designed to help couples practice new ways of interacting that foster more closeness, trust, respect, and intimacy.
Is Imago Therapy Effective?
Imago therapy has received less attention from researchers than other, more popular couples therapy approaches like the Gottman method or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Still, there have been a few studies on the effectiveness of Imago Relationship Therapy.
Studies on IRT include:
- A 2019 study found that couples who attended eight group Imago Relationship Therapy sessions reported lower relationship burnout and improved understanding and empathy vs. couples who received no treatments6
- A 1996 study found that six sessions of IRT led to increased marital satisfaction and improved communication and problem solving7
- A 2017 randomized controlled study found that couples who received 12 sessions of IRT reported improved marital satisfaction compared to those with no treatment, but that the gains weren’t “clinically significant” and appeared to wane over time5
- A 2017 study found that IRT can help increase levels of empathy within a relationship, which is linked to higher levels of relationship satisfaction3
Limitations & Criticisms of Imago Relationship Therapy
There have not been enough large, well-conducted studies on Imago Relationship Therapy to determine whether or not it’s effective. The studies that have been conducted have not provided enough evidence to suggest that it’s an effective therapy for all couples.3,5,6,7 It’s also a relatively uncommon type of therapy with just over 1,000 certified Imago therapists worldwide.4
While there aren’t any formal criticisms of the theory, some possible limitations include:
- It may over-estimate the role of childhood trauma on current adult relational patterns, even to the extreme of attributing all current issues to unresolved childhood traumas
- Its main focus on fostering empathy and dialogue may be less helpful for couples with more pragmatic concerns vs. emotional ones
- Professionals who are not licensed counselors can become certified in IRT, making it less likely to become recognized as an evidence-based treatment in counseling
- Some couples may find the dialogue and communication techniques in IRT hard to maintain because of how emotionally focused they are
- One concept popular in Imago theory is that couples choose one another based on desired or undesired traits present in their caregivers, which has not been proven by research
Imago Relationship Therapy vs. Other Couples Therapy Approaches
Imago Relationship Therapy is similar to other popular kinds of couples therapy in that it focuses on empathy, communication, and intimacy. IRT’s focus on early attachment wounds and trauma is similar in many ways to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, which also emphasizes how childhood issues repeat in adult relationships.
Similar to the Gottman Method, Imago therapists provide communication skills training, and help couples identify and change their communication style. Homework in the form of skills, communication, date nights, and activities are also used in both forms of therapy.
One factor that sets IRT apart from other couples therapy approaches is that many of the studies suggest couples may accomplish more in a shorter term, with some couples seeing results in 6-12 sessions.3,5,6,7
Final Thoughts
Imago Relationship Therapy focuses heavily on helping couples improve empathy, communication, and intimacy. The Imago approach rests on the belief that these positive interactions can help heal and correct damage done in childhood, which is believed to be the core cause of adult relationship conflicts. It’s not as popular or as well-researched as other types of couples therapy, but may be helpful in improving empathy and communication.3,5,6,7
For Further Reading
Imago Therapy Infographics
