Social Media & Relationships

How Social Media Affects Romantic Relationships

Social media has allowed us to be more aware and engaged in the lives of those we care about, including our partners. We can more readily communicate with them and we can see their daily happenings and feel more connected. However, social media can impact mental health and relationships by making people feel upset with what they see or what a partner chooses to share.

Social media has also made it possible for us to share our relationship with the world. This can be positive or negative, too. Sharing too much on social media can lessen intimacy in a relationship, and sharing too little can cause others to question the authenticity of it. Finding a healthy balance between sharing too much and not sharing enough is important for a healthy relationship.¹

What Are the Negative Effects of Social Media on Relationships?

Although social media has many positive benefits, it has the potential to wreak havoc on a relationship. Some of the negative effects of social media and relationships include decreased time with a partner, missed connections, jealousy, conflict arising from disagreements or hurt feelings, and negative comparisons.

Decreased Time With Partner

Social media can impact relationships by decreasing the amount and quality of time spent together.² If someone is engrossed in social media, they are likely to miss or get irritated with a partner if they’re interrupted.

Whether we intend to or not, social media does decrease the quality time spent in a relationship, which can decrease our satisfaction and sense of connection – and ultimately lead to a social media addiction if left unchecked.

Negative Comparisons

Social media makes it much easier for us to negatively compare our relationship to other relationships or our partner to other people. This can impact our commitment to our relationship, leading to betrayal and possibly the demise of the relationship.

According to a recent study, the larger the role social media plays in a person’s life, the less satisfying their romantic relationships are.³ People may see what’s happening in other relationships and falsely compare, causing relationship satisfaction to decrease.

Missed Bids

In relationships, we all make “bids” for connection. This can be as simple as asking a question or reaching for a hand, or it can be more involved, such as seeking emotional support from our partner during a difficult time. Regardless of the bid, a partner can either turn toward you (respond positively), turn away (intentionally or unintentionally ignore), or turn against (respond negatively).

There are missed bids in every relationship, but research conducted by Dr. John Gottman revealed that, in healthy relationships, couples respond positively to one another’s bids about 86% of the time.⁴ Something I hear a lot in my work with couples is that people often miss their partner’s bids when they’re distracted by social media. Although this is usually an unintentional turn away, it has the same impact on your partner as an intentional turn away, making them feel less important than social media.

Although a missed bid here and there will not negatively impact the relationship too much, if this becomes a habit, it can have lasting detrimental effects.

Jealousy

Jealousy in a relationship usually stems from when there is potential attraction or ongoing interactions with exes. You may see an interaction between your partner and someone they may be attracted to and interpret something between them that may or may not be there.

Social media may also cause “retroactive jealousy,” which occurs when a person feels upset about their partner’s romantic history despite ex-partners not being a factor in the current relationship.⁵ This stems from seeing digital remnants of former romantic relationships, social comparison (like comparing yourself to your partner’s ex), or uncertainty, which occurs when seeing your partner’s past on social media makes you question the stability of the relationship.

Conflict Stemming From Disagreements or Hurt Feelings

Couples may find themselves in relationship conflict around differing beliefs about what is acceptable on social media. For example, you may believe in blocking exes from social media while your partner disagrees. Or, you may post something that your partner didn’t want shared. Or, you may not post something your partner wished you would share. These actions can all lead to hurt feelings and potential conflict.

The Positive Effects of Social Media On Relationships

Social media also has the potential to positively impact your relationship. According to one study, positive impacts can happen through partners’ public expressions of affection and mutual information sharing.⁶ For some, it gives them peace of mind knowing what their partner is up to.

Connects Long-distance Couples

There are examples of social media helping relationships. For example, it can be useful for couples in a long-distance relationship. If they have to be long distance for a period of time, social media can help them feel more connected. They have easy access to one another’s everyday lives and moments they otherwise would not be privy to.

Helps Single People Meet

Social media is a great way to meet single people. Online dating such as dating websites and dating apps are here for good. In an age where a lot more happens virtually, meeting people online and forming relationships and friendships that way seems to be the story of how a lot of people meet these days. Social media can connect you to single groups, adventure groups, dates, and new friends, all from your home. It can be a great way to get to know someone with very little risk.

Provides Access to Expert Information

Social media can be a great tool to access expert information. There is a lot of information available out there, and while some of it may not be from credible sources, there is a lot of wonderful and rich content available for just about any subject. It’s important to look for evidence that your sources of information are reliable and credible. Learning about the type of information available and what other resources are available, like media platforms and concrete tools, it can open up a lot.

Signs Social Media Is Affecting Your Relationship

Hopefully, social media is impacting your relationship positively (or not at all). But if you are like most couples, social media may be impacting your relationship in a negative way. If so, it is important to recognize the signs early so you can take action before too much damage has been done.

Here are some signs that social media is affecting your relationship:

• Decreased quality time together (particularly in the evenings, which should be time for the two of you to reconnect at the end of the day)
• A feeling of distance or disconnect
• Learning about important events in your partner’s life through social media instead of directly from them
• Obsessively checking your partner’s social media to make sure they are not doing something you disapprove of
• An increase in conflict regarding social media use, posts, etc.
• Secrecy between the two of you regarding your social media accounts and posts
• Negative body image issues due to comparisons or unrealistic standards on social media

7 Tips For Reclaiming Your Time & Your Relationship

If any of the above warning signs are true in your relationship, it is time to make some changes, including setting some boundaries, putting social media in its place, increasing your communication with your partner, and prioritizing your relationship.

Here are seven tips for prioritizing your relationship over social media:

1. Set Boundaries Regarding Social Media Time

Establishing boundaries in relationships will look different for every couple, but it is important to establish times when it’s okay to be on social media and times you will be fully present, as well as potentially planning longer social media breaks here and there.

We all have what Dr. John Gottman calls “rituals of connection.”⁷ These are points in the day that routine things happen that help us stay connected to one another (e.g., dinnertime, bedtime, catching up on one another’s day). It is crucial that these rituals of connection do not get overtaken by screen time.

This is a place where you can set some boundaries. For example, no social media at the dinner table or after 9 pm. Whatever boundaries you and your partner set, it is important that you both agree with them and continue to abide by them.

2. Plan Quality Time Together Weekly

We all have busy lives, but if we fail to intentionally make time for our relationship, it will suffer. Couples need to schedule a weekly date (two hours or more) during which they are present with one another and not distracted. Phones and social media should not be part of this scheduled time.

You can plan something fun together or just hang out and talk, but you must be engaged with one another. It can help to take turns planning these dates so the responsibility doesn’t fall on one person.

3. Be Cognizant of What You Are Posting

A loving, committed relationship means that you think about your partner as you make decisions. Before posting to your social media account, stop and ask yourself how your partner will feel about it. Keep them in mind as you make these decisions. Also, make sure you’re not using social media to post relationship concerns. Your partner deserves to hear your concerns directly from you.

4. Be Transparent & Honest

Too many relationships face betrayals as a result of social media. A betrayal in a relationship isn’t just an emotional or physical affair (which can often occur through social media). Lying or withholding information to avoid conflict or spare your partner’s feelings is also a betrayal. Be open and honest with your partner about who you’re connecting with on social media, even if you think they’ll dislike it.

Having a difficult conversation is always better than your partner finding out you were hiding something. If you think your partner will be upset about something, it is probably something you shouldn’t be doing in the first place. If something happens on a social media platform, share it with your partner and work through it together. Conflict is an opportunity to grow together and to build trust in the relationship.

5. Communicate & Find Compromises When Needed

You and your partner may have different views and beliefs about the role social media plays in your lives, and what is OK vs. not OK. When you come across a disagreement, respect your partner’s perspective and try to understand them, even if you disagree.

You do not need to change your perspective to fit your partner’s, but you do need to listen to them, try to understand, and allow their different perspective to influence you. They need to do the same. From this place, you can begin to work on finding compromises that take both your perspectives into account as needed.

6. Try a Social Media Detox

A social media detox can be a great way to reclaim your time. Deactivating your social media accounts is a great way to do this. It can be hard to have constant access to content and mindlessly scrolling can make you lose track of time and worsen your mental health and the health of your relationship.

7. Delete Apps Off Your Phone

We have our phones on us constantly, so aside from taking time out of your day to put your phone away, such as during meal times, it can be challenging to keep your phone away and keep yourself off the apps. However, deleting social media apps from your phone can be a good way to allow yourself to have your phone with you without constantly being on social media.

When & How to Find Relationship Help

If you get stuck navigating social media and relationships, it may be time to seek the help of a qualified couples therapist. If you have tried to communicate but you find yourself continuing to have the same conversation over and over or find that your conversations escalate, a couples therapist can help you make progress and find relationship happiness again.

Another time to seek help is if you and your partner are feeling increasingly distant and disconnected. Although all relationships go through ups and downs, if you are having difficulty reconnecting, a couples therapist can help.

Additionally, if you and your partner have experienced a betrayal as a result of social media, such as an affair or dishonesty, a qualified mental-health professional can help you heal from the betrayal and move forward in the relationship. If you choose to end the relationship as a result of a betrayal, a therapist can help you navigate the separation.

How to Find a Therapist

If you and your partner have decided it is time to find a couples therapist, you can locate a qualified mental health professional using an online therapist directory, or you might consider asking for a recommendation from trusted friends or family members.

Final Thoughts On Social Media & Relationships

Social media can help people stay connected to family and friends, but it can negatively impact other relationships. You do not have to ban social media from your lives completely to stop that from happening. With some awareness, communication, and boundaries, you can positively shift the impact social media has on your relationship.