Narcissistic Daughter-in-Laws: 14 Signs & How to Deal With Them

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

Narcissism is a pattern of behaviors that show an inflated sense of self-importance and an exaggerated view of one’s abilities or achievements. While confidence and a strong sense of self are normal, narcissists take it too far with unrealistic ideas about themselves. Having some narcissistic traits doesn’t mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a diagnosable mental health condition.

Female narcissists often use subtle methods to control others, like giving or withholding affection. They might stop speaking to people who don’t give them the attention or respect they expect. Male narcissists are more likely to use direct and aggressive tactics, while female narcissists often rely on guilt or exclusion to get their way.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Diagnosis

To be diagnosed with NPD, a person must exhibit at least five of the following symptoms:¹

 

• Grandiose sense of self-importance
• Heightened sense of entitlement
• Lack of empathy
• Need for excessive admiration
• Interpersonally exploitative behavior
• Envy of others or belief that others are envious
• Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

14 Signs of a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law

It can be upsetting to realize that your son’s wife may have narcissistic traits. Narcissists aren’t just envious of others—they often feel resentment toward people who have what they want. Their distorted sense of fairness makes them see others’ success as undeserved. Depending on how strong her narcissistic tendencies are, this could create distance between you and your son, as he may feel pressured to always take her side and defend her actions.

Here are fourteen signs of a narcissistic daughter-in-law:

1. She Doesn’t Respect You

Narcissists must always be right, and they cannot value another’s perspective or opinion. Trying to put boundaries in place is impossible with narcissists as they do not believe anyone else has the right to have input in their lives. A narcissistic daughter-in-law may disrespect you by purposefully being late for family get-togethers, forgetting about important occasions, or name-calling.

2. She’s Manipulative

A narcissistic daughter-in-law often relies on manipulation to control situations and get what she wants. She might refuse to follow through on promises unless her conditions are met. For example, she could agree to attend a family event but show up late or not at all, using the situation to make others feel guilty or indebted.

She may also manipulate access to grandchildren by making plans for a visit but canceling last minute, citing vague excuses or changing her mind entirely. She might expect babysitting at her convenience and frame it as something owed to her rather than a favor. Her tactics are often designed to keep others off balance, create a sense of obligation, and ensure her needs always take priority.

3. She Drives a Wedge Between You & Your Son

A narcissistic daughter-in-law may use triangulation to create distance between your son and you, aiming to gain more control and reduce outside influence. She might subtly criticize you, twist situations to paint you in a negative light, or make your son feel guilty for maintaining a close relationship with his family. By positioning herself as the “good” party in the relationship, she can manipulate your son into prioritizing her needs over his bond with you. This tactic can leave you feeling excluded and isolated while placing your son in a difficult, emotionally charged position.

4. She Gaslights the Family

Gaslighting is one of the most frequently used maneuvers of narcissists. A daughter-in-law’s gaslighting could look like her denying promises you know she made. She may ask you to stop by on a particular day, but when you show up, she’s not home or swears she never invited you.

Other forms of gaslighting include twisting your words or accusing you of having said things you hadn’t. She might even tell you that another family member did or said things to hurt you in order to create conflict. The goal of gaslighting is to confuse the narcissist’s victim.

5. She Uses Emotional Blackmail

A narcissistic daughter-in-law often employs emotional blackmail as a way to maintain control and manipulate others. She might use her husband and children as bargaining tools to get her way, making it clear that access to them depends on her terms. For instance, she may threaten to reduce or cut off the time you can spend with your son or grandchildren if you do something she disapproves of, such as setting boundaries, disagreeing with her, or questioning her decisions.

6. She Believes She’s Always Right

Narcissists struggle to accept that others might have better ideas or that they could be wrong. A narcissistic daughter-in-law may insist on deciding how holidays are celebrated, what traditions are followed, or even how family photos should be taken, dismissing suggestions from others without consideration. She may interrupt or talk over people during discussions, determined to make her point heard above all else.

If someone challenges her opinions, she’s likely to respond with sarcasm, defensiveness, or even subtle insults to undermine their credibility. or example, if plans she made go awry, she may claim it was someone else’s fault or criticize others for not following her instructions. These behaviors reflect her need to always come out on top, no matter the situation.

7. She Is Selfish

A narcissistic daughter-in-law tends to prioritize her own needs, wants, and feelings above everyone else’s, often disregarding the well-being of those around her. In her role as a mother, she may focus more on how her children reflect on her than on their individual needs. For instance, she might push them into activities or behaviors that make her look like an ideal parent while neglecting their interests or emotional well-being. Similarly, she might expect her husband to cater to her demands, often dismissing his needs or opinions as less important.

In interactions with extended family, her selfishness might look like a lack of interest in anyone else’s experiences or feelings unless they directly impact her. Conversations often circle back to her achievements, struggles, or needs, making others feel overlooked or dismissed. Her inability to consider others’ perspectives or share emotional space creates tension and often leaves those around her feeling unseen and undervalued.

8. She Creates Drama

Chaos and conflict often follow a narcissistic daughter-in-law. She might gossip about family members to stir tension or spread misinformation to create misunderstandings. For instance, she could tell one family member that another spoke badly about them, fueling mistrust and conflict. She may pit family members against each other, knowing this distraction keeps her at the center of attention.

9. She Plays the Victim

A narcissistic daughter-in-law frequently portrays herself as the victim to gain sympathy and avoid accountability. She might exaggerate minor disagreements, twisting them into stories where she appears mistreated by the family. For example, she could claim her in-laws are unfairly critical or intentionally excluding her, even when this isn’t the case. By positioning herself as the wronged party, she shifts focus away from her behavior and onto others’ supposed faults. This tactic not only garners sympathy but also creates guilt in family members, who may feel pressured to comfort her even if they’ve done nothing wrong.

10. She Says One Thing But Does Another

Narcissists have no problem making promises they can’t keep. Your daughter-in-law may promise to pick up dinner on the way to your home, then arrive empty-handed. Making plans is not a problem, but a narcissist’s disregard for others makes keeping them challenging. Always expect your daughter-in-law to “forget” things, be “too busy” to follow through, or simply offer no explanation for unexpected absences.

11. She Displays Conditional Affection

A narcissistic daughter-in-law’s affection often comes with strings attached. She might act warm and kind when she wants something, such as financial help, approval, or a favor, but withdraw that kindness if her expectations aren’t met. For example, she could shower you with compliments before asking for babysitting help but become cold or dismissive if they decline. Her relationships often feel transactional, leaving others unsure if her affection is genuine or merely a tactic to get what she wants.

12. She Tells White Lies

Narcissists have no scruples about lying if it makes them look good. They have no shame regarding being found out, either. If your narcissistic daughter-in-law is caught in a lie, she will challenge your own memory and call you the liar, not her. The truth your narcissistic daughter sees is only the one that she creates in her own mind. Accepting that her grip on the truth is pretty slippery can help you minimize your frustration and moderate your reaction when the next falsity slips out.

13. She Expects Special Treatment

A narcissistic daughter-in-law often demands special treatment. She might expect family events to revolve around her schedule, disregarding the needs of others. For example, she could insist that a holiday gathering be rescheduled to suit her convenience or demand that others accommodate her preferences for food, activities, or seating arrangements. When her demands aren’t met, she may become sulky, passive-aggressive, or even verbally abusive.

14. She’s Moody & Explosive

A narcissistic daughter-in-law may exhibit extreme mood swings and explosive outbursts, especially when she feels challenged or slighted. Her emotions can turn on a dime, leaving those around her walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anger. She might enter a narcissistic rage, and lash out with hurtful words or accusations in the heat of the moment, showing little regard for how her outbursts affect others. These emotional explosions are often unpredictable and disproportionate to the situation, making family interactions tense and exhausting.

Recognizing these signs is the first step, but strategies for dealing with narcissistic family members can help you establish boundaries and manage the relationship.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law

Recognizing your daughter-in-law’s behaviors for what they are can help you respond more effectively. Once you understand that you’re dealing with a narcissist, it becomes clear that the problem lies with her, not you. One key step is learning not to take her hurtful words or actions personally. It’s also important to continue showing your son unconditional love and support to ensure that your relationship with him remains strong despite her influence.

Free Worksheets for Coping With a Narcissist

This collection of worksheets is designed to help you identify and navigate narcissistic behavior, recognize gaslighting tactics, set healthy boundaries, and reinforce your personal strengths to protect your emotional well-being. Find the one you need, or download the entire worksheet collection here.

Complete Workbook Download

Identifying Narcissistic Traits Download

Identifying Gaslighting Tactics Download

Setting Healthy Boundaries Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Download

Here are some tips for dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law:

Set Realistic Expectations

Adjusting expectations can help reduce frustration when dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law. Accept that she is unlikely to change her behavior significantly and focus on what you can control—your own actions and reactions. For example, expect that she might cancel plans at the last minute or behave dismissively during family events. By preparing for these behaviors, you can avoid unnecessary disappointment. Celebrate small successes, such as civil conversations or moments of cooperation, without expecting dramatic shifts in her attitude.

Learn to Recognize Gaslighting Early

Recognizing gaslighting is crucial for maintaining your emotional balance when dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law. Gaslighting might look like her denying plans you know were made, twisting your words, or making you question your memory of events. Instead of engaging in arguments to prove your point, calmly assert your version of the situation with confidence. For example, if she denies inviting you over, you could say, “I recall that conversation, but it’s fine if plans have changed.” Staying composed and self-assured can help you avoid falling into her trap of confusion and manipulation.

Instill Healthy Boundaries & Defend Them

Healthy boundaries are crucial in any in-law relationship, but when a narcissistic daughter-in-law’s behavior threatens your family’s emotional well-being, setting firm and consistent boundaries becomes essential. Start by identifying areas where boundaries are needed, such as respecting your time, communication, or how family visits are conducted. For example, you might set a rule against unannounced visits to ensure your space is respected. During conversations, demand respectful communication by calmly but firmly addressing any insults or name-calling: “We don’t allow that kind of language in this house.”

Keep Communications Open With Your Son

Remember that your son’s choice of spouse is his own, but don’t lose sight of your relationship with him. While your daughter-in-law may be trying to isolate and manipulate him, don’t give up your efforts to stay in contact. Sending texts or encouraging him to call when he’s alone–like during the day at work or on his commute–are options to consider.

Respect Your Son’s Autonomy

While maintaining your bond with your son is critical, it’s equally important to respect his choices and give him space to navigate his own relationship. Offering support without pressuring him to take sides can help preserve your relationship without adding unnecessary strain.

Protect Your Relationship With Your Grandchildren

If there are grandchildren involved, focus on maintaining a strong and positive relationship with them. Be a consistent source of love and support, even if your interactions with them are limited. Avoid speaking negatively about their mother in front of them, as this could create unnecessary tension and make the situation more complicated.

Take Care of Your Own Mental Health

Prioritizing self-care is essential when navigating a challenging relationship with a narcissistic daughter-in-law. Invest time in activities that recharge you, whether it’s pursuing hobbies, staying active with regular exercise, practicing mindfulness, or connecting with supportive friends and family. These efforts not only help you build resilience but also create a buffer against the emotional stress that often comes with her behavior.

Don’t Fall for the “Victim Card”

Narcissists often try to convince people that they are the victim of others’ negative intentions or actions. This is especially common among covert narcissists who try to make others look bad to build themselves up–they will take no responsibility for any of their own failings. They will claim others took unfair advantage or cheated them out of their rightful place. When your daughter-in-law tries to blame others, refuse to take the bait.

Try Not to Take Things Personally

It’s natural to feel hurt or upset by a narcissistic daughter-in-law’s actions, especially when she says or does things that seem intentionally mean or dismissive. However, remember that her behavior is rooted in her own personality and insecurities, not your worth. Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t let her words define you. Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that you’re doing your best in a challenging situation, and seek support when needed to process your emotions.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

When dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law, not every issue is worth addressing. For minor annoyances, such as her monopolizing conversations or taking credit for others’ ideas, it may be best to let things go to preserve your peace. However, for more serious matters—like undermining your bond with your son or manipulating family dynamics—it’s important to stand firm. Focus your energy on addressing behaviors that have a lasting impact while learning to ignore those that are more about attention-seeking or control.

When to Seek Professional Help

If your relationship with a narcissistic daughter-in-law is causing ongoing stress, emotional pain, or conflict within your family, it might be time to consider professional support. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, develop coping strategies, and learn ways to protect your emotional well-being.

An online therapist directory can help you locate a professional who specializes in narcissistic family dynamics, allowing you to filter options by expertise, location, and insurance coverage. Alternatively, there are many online therapy services that can make finding a qualified therapist easier, offering flexible options like virtual sessions that fit your schedule.