Contempt in Relationships: Signs, Dangers, & How to Overcome

What Is Contempt in a Relationship?

Contempt in a relationship is more than just frustration or disagreement, it’s a lingering feeling of disdain or disgust toward your partner. Unlike a complaint, which focuses on a specific behavior, contempt is a personal attack that implies your partner is fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Contempt manifests through sarcasm, mockery, dismissive body language, and even outright verbal insults.

Contempt in relationships is a toxic dynamic that erodes emotional safety, leaving the receiving partner feeling belittled and disrespected. Research shows that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown, as it fosters resentment and makes reconciliation increasingly difficult. Recognizing contempt early is essential for preventing long-term damage to your relationship.

Examples of Contempt in a Relationship

Here are some examples of the difference between complaints and contempt:

Your partner said they would pay bills this month but didn’t get to it, and now you are facing high-interest charges:

• Contempt: “You never follow through.  I can never count on you to do what you say you will do.”
• Complaint: “When you said you were going to pay the bills and then I found out they hadn’t been paid and we are being charged interest, it causes me a lot of stress.”

You are having company coming for dinner.  Your home needs to be cleaned and food needs to be prepared.  Your partner goes to the gym for 2 hours before your company arrives, and you have to do all the work on your own.

• Contempt: “I can’t believe how selfish you are!  What is wrong with you?  Why would you take off when we have so much to do, and leave me to do everything?!”
• Complaint:  “I understand that going to the gym is important to you.  It’s the timing that I am upset about. We have company coming, and I expected that we would work together to get things done.”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Dr. John Gottman identified four destructive behaviors called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that predict relationship failure. When these patterns take hold, they erode trust, emotional safety, and communication, increasing the likelihood of separation or divorce.¹

The four factors that predict relationship failure include:

1. Criticism

Criticism goes beyond addressing a specific concern and instead attacks a partner’s character or personality. While complaints focus on behaviors (“I was frustrated that you forgot to take out the trash”), criticism makes sweeping judgments (“You never think about anyone but yourself”). Over time, frequent criticism fosters resentment and lays the groundwork for contempt.

2. Contempt

Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and involves sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, sneering, eye-rolling, and mockery. It’s a result of having negative thoughts about your partner for a long period. If contempt in the relationship is present, it takes a lot of work to resolve relationship issues and reconcile because your partner can tell you’re disgusted with him or her. Contempt leads to more conflict. Criticism and contempt work together to poison the foundations of a relationship.

3. Defensiveness

When faced with criticism or contempt, a natural reaction is defensiveness. The defensive partner may deny responsibility, make excuses, or shift blame. However, instead of resolving conflict, defensiveness fuels a cycle where both partners feel unheard and attacked, increasing frustration and emotional distance.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally shuts down, withdrawing from conversations to avoid conflict. Instead of engaging, they may tune out, give minimal responses, or physically turn away. While this may seem like an attempt to keep the peace, it often signals deep disconnection and frustration, making it even harder to resolve issues.

Why Is Contempt in Relationships so Dangerous?

Contempt is dangerous in a relationship because it destroys the foundations of respect, fondness, and admiration that are essential in healthy and enduring relationships.¹  Contempt pits you and your partner against each other.  It creates an adversarial relationship that increases conflict and weakens your bond.

Long-Term Affects of Contempt in Relationships

Long term, contempt in a relationship is typically followed by defensiveness and stonewalling. The partner who feels personally attacked by contempt will often become defensive, creating distance and conflict escalation.  Stonewalling or shutting down can be deliberate or subconscious ways of protecting against overwhelming negative emotional and physical experiences that occur as a result of experiencing contempt from your partner.

Couples whose relationships are characterized by contempt are significantly more likely to experience more infectious illnesses such as influenza, colds, etc.¹

Signs Contempt Is Ruining Your Relationship

When contempt takes root in a relationship, it undermines trust, respect, and emotional connection. You may no longer feel fondness or admiration for your partner, and interactions become tense, dismissive, or adversarial.

Signs contempt is ruining your relationship include:

Respect Has Been Replaced by Resentment

Instead of treating each other with kindness and understanding, interactions are filled with negativity. You no longer give your partner the benefit of the doubt and frequently assume the worst about their intentions. Trust, appreciation, and admiration have faded.

You Compete Instead of Collaborate

Instead of seeing your partner as an ally, you view them as a competitor.  You and your partner vie for power and try to outdo each other in one or more areas of your lives (e.g., work, family, finances, etc.)  Instead of celebrating each other’s success as a win for your relationship, you are more likely to resent, minimize, and/or ignore them.

Criticism Has Replaced Constructive Discussion

Conversations focus more on what your partner is doing wrong rather than solving problems together. Instead of discussing issues with mutual respect, one partner takes a superior stance, constantly correcting or criticizing the other. This dynamic creates a power imbalance and fosters even more resentment.

 Body Language Expresses Contempt

Disrespect isn’t always verbal—subtle cues like eye-rolling, sighing, sneering, or turning away when your partner speaks signal disdain. Ignoring them during conversations, prioritizing your phone over engagement, or physically walking away in frustration all reinforce emotional disconnection.

Recognizing these signs early is crucial. If contempt is damaging your relationship, taking steps to improve communication and rebuild mutual respect can help prevent further deterioration.

How to Banish Contempt From Your Relationships

Research shows that relationships affected by contempt can recover if both partners commit to changing their patterns of interaction. Contempt is often a learned behavior, influenced by past relationships or family dynamics, but just as it can be learned, it can also be unlearned. By developing healthier communication habits and fostering mutual respect, couples can repair their bond and rebuild emotional safety.

Here are some effective strategies to rebuild respect and emotional connection:

Start With Small Changes

Begin by noticing how your words and actions affect your partner. Rather than making drastic changes all at once, experiment with small shifts in communication. Approach these adjustments with curiosity and a problem-solving mindset—this reduces blame and fosters a healthier dynamic.

Soften the Start of Difficult Conversations

How you begin a conversation often determines how it will unfold. If you have a complaint that you want to bring to your partner, it can be helpful to soften the start-up to this discussion by:¹

• Using language and body language that mention a concern without blaming your partner or judging them as a person.
• Be polite and respectful.  Express your concerns, but also convey to your partner what you appreciate about them.
• Don’t store your complaints and bring them up all at once.  This can lead to your partner feeling overwhelmed and shutting down.

Communicate Your Feelings & Needs

Replace blame with clarity. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I share my thoughts. I’d really appreciate it if we could take time to discuss this.”

• Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to prevent defensiveness.
• Be specific about what you need rather than expecting your partner to read your mind.
• Balance self-expression with consideration for your partner’s perspective.

Practice Speaking and Listening in a Non-Defensive Way

Defensiveness fuels conflict, while openness invites resolution. To foster better communication:

• Genuinely listen to your partner’s perspective before responding.
• Shift your mindset from “winning the argument” to “understanding each other.”
• Express appreciation, even during disagreements, to reinforce a sense of partnership.

Learn How to Calm Yourself

It’s more difficult to think clearly and deliver a respectful message when you are very angry or upset.  When you find yourself in this situation related to your partner, it can be wise to pause and get yourself grounded before speaking.  For some, that might involve taking a walk, or for others, it might involve some grounding techniques, like mindful breathing or journaling.

Cultivate Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration are the foundation for a healthy and long-lasting relationship.^1,3 If your relationship with your partner is in trouble, it can help to remember the fondness and admiration you had for them in the beginning and to consciously seek to find glimmers of these in your current relationship.

Accept Your Role in the Situation

If you realize you made a mistake, say you are sorry.  Don’t give excuses or try to turn it around on your partner.  Take on that responsibility if there is a way to make it right.  People who love each other hold each other accountable to be their “best selves” lovingly and respectfully.

How a Couples Therapist Can Help

Seeing a couples therapist or seeking marriage counseling can be helpful in several ways. The therapist can provide a safe space for you and your partner to explore your relationship, identify challenges and strengths, and practice new behaviors. You can choose to work with in-person therapists or try an online couples therapy app like The Lasting App or Our Ritual.

At your first session, the therapist will likely start by asking you to identify your goals for therapy. They will help you to identify the areas of the relationship you want to work on and might provide education on strategies that are more likely to lead to the repair and strengthening of a relationship. You will be given opportunities to practice new behaviors in the session. It’s important to find a marriage counselor who is a good fit for both you and your partner.