How to Tell If Your Partner Is Cheating at Work

How Common Are Workplace Affairs?

A recent study found that workplace romance is on the rise, with 50% of polled respondents reporting having a crush on a colleague. In addition, 19% of those respondents acknowledged having a romantic affair, despite being in a relationship.¹ Cheating at work can be physical or emotional. Overall, 20% of men and 13% of women indicate having an affair while married.²

15 Signs Your Partner is Cheating With a Coworker

Workplace affairs can be incredibly obvious, sneaky, or somewhere in between. You may have many reasons to believe your partner is being faithful. Or, you might not have any specific reason, but you can’t help but suspect something is going on. Workplace cheating may coincide with behavioral patterns, deceit, and relationship problems. However, it can also seemingly occur out of nowhere.

Below are 15 signs of workplace cheating:

1. They’re Always Working Late

Is your partner now spending long days at the office? Do they make excuses about why they can’t come home for dinner? If their schedule has changed dramatically, this could be a red flag. They may really be spending more time at work–but, not to work. Or, they might be using that time to go out with the other person afterward.

2. They’re Exceptionally Close to a Coworker

If you know they have a strong friendship with a coworker, you may want to write it off as them just being buddies. But if things seem more personal than professional, you very well may be onto something. If it’s strictly professional, your partner won’t have any problem sharing the details of their relationship and what they do together.

3. They Suddenly Seem Very Interested in Work

Has your partner suddenly perked up about their job? Part of you may feel happy for them, but another part of you might wonder what’s changed, especially if they’ve been apathetic or unhappy in their role. A coworker may be the culprit, particularly if this shift coincides with other red flags.

4. They Now Have Business Trips or Long Meetings

If the structure of work has dramatically changed, this may indicate an affair. For example, if your partner has never gone on business trips (but now suddenly has several in a row), they might be using work as an excuse to spend time with the other person. Or, they may show an eagerness to attend more work events if they know their coworker will be there.

5. They Are Sneaky With Technology

There’s nothing wrong with wanting privacy. However, if your partner has suddenly password-protected certain devices or seems hypervigilant around their phone or computer, that’s a cause for concern. They may be worried about you catching them interacting with their coworker. Keep in mind they might delete messages, use secret apps, or change names to maintain a level of deceit from you.

6. They Seem Disconnected

Does it seem like your partner is distant or like their mind is elsewhere? You may not be imagining things, especially if this becomes a more persistent trend. When someone is having an affair, they often present as distracted. The other person might be on their mind, or they may be feeling paranoid about getting caught.

7. They’re Less Interested in Sex

If your partner is physically or emotionally involved with someone else, they may no longer be as interested in having sex with you. They might rationalize that they’re too tired, not feeling well, or under stress. On a subconscious level, your partner might feel incredibly guilty over their behavior, and that guilt can spill over into the bedroom.

8. They’re More Interested in Sex

Your partner may initiate sex more often to compensate for feeling guilty or anxious about you suspecting infidelity. Likewise, if they feel invigorated by this new romance, it may increase their libido, causing them to desire sex more intensely and frequently. Sometimes, they might also want to suddenly try new things with you.

9. They Accuse You of Cheating

Projection refers to displacing undesirable emotions or traits onto someone else, and is common with infidelity. An unfaithful partner might shift blame onto their partner and accuse them of being dishonest. This is a defense mechanism and a distraction from the actual situation. It will likely make you feel insecure, causing you to self-reflect, rather than examine your partner’s behaviors.

10. They Keep Arguing With You

If your partner keeps picking fights with you, it could be a red flag. An unfaithful person might try to convince themselves (and others) that you’re the bad guy in the relationship. And so, they may subtly insult you or make it seem like you can’t do anything right. This pattern may help them justify their cheating behavior.

11. They’ve Changed Their Appearance

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good. New haircuts, wardrobes, or desires to get ‘healthy’ may be easy to overlook, particularly if your partner seems to have a vested interest in self-improvement. But if they seem to be putting more effort into their appearance at work than with you, they might be working hard to impress someone else.

12. They Withdraw From Mutual Friends

An unfaithful partner might disconnect from their usual relationships. This can happen due to excessive guilt. Or, because they feel worried that someone in the friend group might detect their behavioral changes and be “onto them.” It can also occur because they’re simply devoting any free time they have to spend with their coworker.

13. They Lie About Small Things

Healthy relationships require a sense of trust. Telling the truth builds connection, strengthens conflict resolution, and maintains intimacy.³
If someone feels comfortable with telling white lies, who’s to say they don’t feel comfortable lying about bigger and more serious issues? If your partner knows they can get away with it, they may keep lying time and time again.

14. They Can’t Explain Missing Money Well

Affairs can be expensive, especially once you factor in common purchases like dates, restaurant bills, and flowers. Sneaky shifts in monetary habits–like opening a secret credit card or bank account–should definitely be a cause for concern. Unexplained expenses that don’t seem to add up within your joint budget should also be discussed.

15. They Just Seem ‘Off’

You likely know your partner and the nuances of your relationship better than anyone. So, if something in their personality seems significantly different, and you can’t quite put your finger on it, don’t ignore your gut. Some research shows that you can intuitively tell when a partner is cheating, even if you don’t have definitive proof.⁴

How Can I Know For Sure If My Partner is Cheating With a Coworker?

The only way to know for sure is to either catch them in the act or for your partner to tell you directly. Otherwise, you can only speculate and try to gather evidence to substantiate your claim. However, it can be hard to get exact confirmation.

People can and do lie about cheating. In addition, even if you’re tempted to violate their privacy (by checking their phone or asking their coworker), this may cause additional issues with trust and intimacy. Ultimately, open communication is the best bet for moving forward if you have this concern. Keep in mind that you cannot control if your partner is honest with you. You can only control your composure and boundaries.

What Do I Do If My Partner is Having an Affair With a Coworker?

If you discover your partner is having an affair with a coworker, you may oscillate between anger, sadness, confusion, and betrayal. These reactions are common. You may also blame yourself or worry about the future of your relationship. Regardless of your exact situation, it is possible to heal from this pain and move forward, either as an individual or as a couple.

After uncovering workplace infidelity, some important steps to take are:

• Don’t pressure yourself to decide right now: You don’t have to make an executive decision about what you want to do with your relationship right away. It’s better to wait than make an impulsive choice.⁵
• Seek additional peer support: Lean on trusted loved ones during this vulnerable time. People don’t always know how to help, so consider asking for specific sources of support (i.e.  having lunch with you).
• Aim to rebuild trust: Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time, but it starts with honesty and open communication. Try to practice actively listening to your partner when they speak.
• Practice your own self-care: It’s important to look after your emotional health right now. Engage in positive self-care activities that make you feel uplifted and rejuvenated.
• Set boundaries: It’s important to reestablish boundaries in your relationship. Discuss the consequences you will implement if your partner violates a boundary moving forward.

When Do I Know It’s Time to Part Ways?

Ultimately, it’s your decision if you want to end the relationship. You don’t need a specific reason or the right timing to do this. Sometimes, cheating is an isolated incident, but it’s often the sign of a larger issue, and it could be indicative of a toxic relationship. You may need to spend some time reflecting on your relationship values and evaluating how your current dynamic fits within these limits.

How Can Therapy Help?

Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment to address relationship issues. Individual therapy may be beneficial for processing your feelings and obtaining support for the affair. Marriage and couples therapy can help couples who wish to stay together and recover from infidelity. Look for a therapist with experience in treating relationship issues. You can start your search using an expansive online directory.

Individual Therapy

Cheating can trigger feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, sadness, and betrayal. You may need support during this vulnerable time. In individual therapy, the entire focus is on you. You don’t have to worry about managing your partner’s emotions.

If your partner has been unfaithful, you may experience conditions such as:

• Betrayal trauma: If a loved one violates your trust, you may find it difficult to trust them again. This is especially true if you felt blindsided by the betrayal.
• Infidelity PTSD: Infidelity PTSD can cause you to experience intrusive thoughts, heightened anxiety, and ongoing emotional distress.
• Relationship PTSD: Relationship PTSD refers to experiencing PTSD symptoms within the context of a relationship trauma. You may have intrusive thoughts, flashbacks or nightmares, or extreme distress due to the infidelity.
• Loneliness: Infidelity can make you feel alone in your relationship or marriage. You might also find yourself withdrawing from other loved ones.
• Increased substance use: Some people self-medicate relationship stress with compulsive behaviors like alcohol use, drug use, or overeating.
• Desire for revenge: You may feel tempted to cheat on your partner to “give them a taste of their own medicine.” But, seeking revenge rarely improves the situation and tends to only complicate your feelings.

Final Thoughts

Regardless of your circumstances, you may not have concrete evidence that your partner is cheating on you. However, the presence of several concerning risk factors means that it’s time for a serious conversation. It is possible to properly recover from an affair. It takes time, effort, and dedication from both partners. Seeking treatment can help you heal from infidelity.