How to Console Someone Who is Grieving: 17 Tips from a Therapist

17 Ways to Console Someone Who Is Grieving

Having support from friends and relatives can be a powerful source of comfort for someone navigating grief and loss. If you are searching for ways to console a loved one, there are many things you can do to show you care. You can start by understanding their source of grief, being a good listener, showing empathy, or offering a shoulder to cry.

Here are 17 tips to console someone who is grieving:^5,6

1 Understand the Source of Grief

Grief is typically associated with the death of a loved one like the loss of a spouse, loss of a child, loss of a parent, etc.). But, people can also struggle with grief for other reasons. Some individuals can experience grief and feelings of loss about a major life event such as a miscarriage, divorce, break-up, or loss of a job. Therefore, knowing the source of your loved one’s pain can provide some insight into how to best console them.

2. Understand the Nature of Grief

The individual you’re trying to comfort may grieve completely differently than you or the way you expected they should. Because of this, it’s vital to be cognizant about the bereavement process, and that people’s reactions and coping mechanisms can vary greatly. Having awareness about what to typically expect or not expect can help you validate and reassure the griever, while also supporting their individual bereavement journey, even if you can’t connect on a personal level.

3. Acknowledge Their Grief

When you first hear the news about someone’s loss, you might be in shock, confused, and/or experience your own personal feelings. You may wonder how to reach out, what to say, or how to best express your condolences. There isn’t much you can do or say except acknowledging their loss, and simply saying you are sorry with a thoughtful message through a text, phone call, or other communication method. This can be comforting in that moment. Later, you may consider mailing a letter or a condolence card.

4. Listen With Empathy

When people are going through difficult moments and grieving, they may not be necessarily looking for a solution or advice, but rather just to be heard. Be open to listening and giving your loved one the space to vent freely, cry, be angry, and express how they really feel without judgment. Having a shoulder to cry on may be all they need at that moment, and the best way to give your unconditional support.

5. Support in the Distance

Not being able to console someone who is grieving in-person can make providing support even more challenging, but it doesn’t have to be this way! There are many other options you can use to express your concern and show you care. Consider mailing a sympathy card, sending a fruit basket, and reaching out through text or video chat. This conveys that you are thinking of them and that you acknowledge their grief, even if you’re not physically present.

6. Find the Best Way to Communicate

It can also help to find out how your loved one prefers to communicate. Perhaps carrying a conversation over the phone might feel too overwhelming for them, so texting may be easier for them. They may welcome a personal visit or not, depending on how they feel on a particular day. You don’t want your good intentions to become another source of stress–it’s best to double check before contacting them.

7. Be Open to Discussion

Perhaps talking about the loss and/or expressing their emotions may be too painful for the griever. In turn, you may be hesitant to bring up the topic as well. Nonetheless, you can choose an appropriate moment and tactfully inquire about how they’re holding up. They may take this opportunity to share how they feel, or not. If they are holding back, it is possible that they’re not ready, so don’t push the conversation. At least they’ll know you’ll be there to listen once they come around.

8. Share a Story

Sharing a funny anecdote about the person who passed away can lighten the mood and bring much comfort to the person you’re consoling. When appropriate (provided you knew the deceased), bring up a funny story about them, something positive regarding the type of person they were, or look at pictures of times you spent together. Respectfully sharing these memories conveys that you cherish those moments and how this person touched your life.

9. Try Not to Give Advice

Watching a loved one suffer can be heart wrenching, and your first instinct might be to try to spare them from this pain. You may be tempted to give advice or try to “fix” the situation. Maybe you have gone through a similar loss and want to share how you coped. But, this will not be beneficial unless the grieving person asks for your input or wants your opinion. So, resist the urge to offer advice and instead provide your moral support, be present, and use your active listening skills.

10. Offer Practical Help

The person grieving may feel emotionally exhausted and have little energy to problem-solve or tend to daily obligations. If you have a close relationship with them, find out how you can help. This may be in areas that demand immediate attention, like going over legal documents or making funeral arrangements; or, every-day tasks like cooking and running errands. Lending a hand in practical ways can unburden your loved one and make them feel less alone.

11. Support Without Words

In grief, sometimes words are not necessary. Simply being side-by-side with the bereaved, without even uttering one word, is comforting enough. If you have a close relationship with them and feel comfortable to show your support through physical contact, then do so. Often, there is nothing more reassuring than a warm embrace or holding their hand. For your loved one, this gesture may speak louder than words.

12. Encourage Wellness

Your loved one may be so consumed by grief that maintaining their wellbeing is last on their list. Grief can affect a person’s overall health, so remind your loved one to look after themselves, eat well, avoid unnecessary stress, and get plenty of rest. You can also suggest (without being pushy) that they engage in activities or practices that can boost their wellness, such as getting a massage, going to a yoga class, walking outdoors, or anything else that can bring a little bit of balance back into their life.

13. Invite Them to Do Things Together

Ask your loved person if they would like to go out for lunch, see a movie, or do something more casual, so they don’t feel pressured if they can’t make it. Perhaps the griever may need more time before going places or socializing. In that case, invite them over to your place and offer to pick them up. Even if they decline your invitations, they may still appreciate your thoughtfulness. And every now and then, invite them again–one day they might just say yes.

14. Manage Your Own Emotions & Expectations

While you can offer support and console your loved one, you can’t eliminate their pain. You may feel frustrated watching them suffer. You could also have your own emotions regarding this loss. For this reason, it’s crucial that you check-in with yourself and manage your own feelings and expectations. Remember that it’s normal for the griever and for you to not feel okay–supporting yourself is also a way of supporting them.

15. Help Them Find Professional Help

If the person you’re trying to comfort seems to be struggling excessively, chances are they may need extra help. However, suggesting that they go to therapy may be tricky. However, using compassionate and un-stigmatizing language can normalize their experience and make it easier when approaching them.^7,8

That said, you can be supportive of your loved one by encouraging them to receive professional help. Browsing through an online directory to find a mental health expert can be a good point of entry. You can also link them to a network of resources including health care practitioners, support groups, or other local grief-related organizations. Consider doing this task together, as they may be too debilitated to do it on their own.

16. Stay in Touch

After a while, you may assume that your loved one is doing better, when in fact they could still be struggling. As such, try to stay in regular contact with them. You can text or call them just to see how they’re doing. Even if you keep the conversation light, this can open the lines of communication for them to share if they want to. This simple act can make the bereaved feel acknowledged and not forgotten.

17. Remember Important Dates

There are certain dates such as birthdays, marriage anniversaries, or holidays that are triggering for a person who has lost a loved one. Even the time leading up to and around the death anniversary can be particularly upsetting, due to the anniversary effect. Try to remember these dates and reach out to your griever via text, phone call, or mail in remembrance. Your loved one will surely appreciate that you recognize the significance this has for them.

Things Not to Say When Consoling Someone

While it’s only natural that we try to spare a loved one from the pain of grief, sometimes the things we say may have the opposite effect. Saying anything just for the sake of saying something can further hurt the bereaved. What we think is comforting may in fact come off as incentive and judgmental.

Here are some examples of what not to say when consoling someone: ⁶

• “I know how you must feel”: Here you’re assuming how they’re grieving based on your own experience or personal view.
• “At least they’re no longer suffering”/“They’re in a better place now”: The bereaved may disagree with this statement and resent being told what to believe.
• “With time, you’ll get over it”: There isn’t such a thing as getting over a loss or moving on.  A loss is something people eventually learn to live and cope with the best way they can.
• “It was God’s will”: This isn’t comforting for someone who isn’t a believer, and if they are, they may be angry at this higher power.

How Therapy Can Help Navigate Grief

Psychological treatment can help your loved one better cope with the uncertainty, anxiety, and sadness that’s often triggered by a loss. Through the guidance of a mental health expert, they can build their resilience, gain healthy strategies to work through their grief, and manage the associated symptoms. Many times, reaching out for help sooner rather than later can prevent the development of a more serious condition.^2,3,5,7

Some therapy and supportive options include:^2,3,9

• Individual therapy: In-person or online psychotherapy addresses grief issues by utilizing a variety of evidenced based techniques. Psychotherapy can enable grievers to develop adaptive skills to cope with their intense emotions triggered by the loss.
• Complicated grief treatment: This consists of three phases focusing on adapting to a loss and resolving grief. This specialized treatment is beneficial if your loved one is experiencing more severe and complex grief concerns.
• Faith-based counseling: Faith-based counseling is provided by a professional educated in theology and mental health. Following the usual therapeutic model, it can help if your loved one is seeking spiritual guidance and/or wants religion incorporated in their treatment.
• Grief counseling: This may be found through informal settings, and focuses on grief/loss education and giving emotional support. Grief counseling can be led by people who have experienced similar struggles, a pastoral counselor, or a professional who hasn’t completed formal studies in psychology.
• Support Groups: Whether in-person or on-line, group therapy can be facilitated by a professional or peer-led. The focus of these groups is to make people feel less alone via shared experiences and social connection.

Final Thoughts

Consoling someone who ‘s grieving or experiencing difficult times may not be so easy. Fortunately, there are a number of ways in which you can help and show that you care. If you notice that your loved one’s grief is debilitating their wellbeing, it’s crucial that you encourage therapy. Nonetheless, just being there for them and letting them know that they’re not alone can make a huge difference in relieving some of the pain.