What Is Inappropriate Flirting When Married? 8 Examples & How to Avoid It

What Is Considered Inappropriate Flirting When Married?

Inappropriate flirting generally refers to engaging in social interactions intended to attract a potential partner or fling. From an anthropological perspective, flirtatious behaviors have served to express interest towards someone to ensure reproduction and preserve the human race.^1,2

Married individuals may engage in playful verbal or nonverbal flirting without the intent of forming a serious relationship or affair. However, what counts as inappropriate flirting depends on how you and your spouse define it, including intent, type of flirting, and the person involved.^1,3

Some factors that may influence what is considered inappropriate flirting include:

• Type of flirting: Is it sexual, romantic, or disrespectful in nature?
• Intention behind the flirting: Is it in pursuit of engaging in an emotional affair? Does it involve sexting or micro-cheating? Is it done in an effort to leave your partner?
• The person you’re flirting with: Are you flirting with an ex, a crush, or someone who you share an attraction with?
• The way it’s perceived: Would it offend, mislead, harass, or hurt the flirt recipient? Would your spouse condone or condemn your acts of bantering?
• Relationship boundaries: Are you crossing established boundaries set by you and your partner? Would it break trust in your relationship?
• Consequences: Would the flirting damage your marriage? Could it lead to an affair, marital conflicts in and/or eventually end your relationship or have legal repercussions?

8 Examples of Inappropriate Flirting When Married

Inappropriate flirting when married can mean different things to each couple. If you are wondering whether your flirtation has crossed the line, consider asking yourself why you’re flirting.

Here are eight examples of inappropriate flirting while married:

1. Coming on to Someone

Expressing a romantic or sexual interest towards a person outside of your marriage is not only inappropriate flirting, but disrespectful. The spouse typically sees it this way unless you’re in an open relationship, in which seeking other partners is agreed upon as acceptable. Hitting on someone when you are married violates marital vows and possibly suggests relationship dissatisfaction, which eventually can lead to emotional or physical infidelity.^4,5 It’s worth mentioning that this act may constitute harassment and be frowned upon by society.¹

2. It Consumes Most of Your Energy

Certain life events or responsibilities may demand your full attention, temporarily pulling you away from your partner. However, if you frequently seek out opportunities to flirt—such as engaging in flirty conversations online or socially, or trying to get closer to someone else—you risk neglecting your partner and becoming indifferent to your relationship.^3,4

3. Flirting to Make Your Partner Jealous

Are you flirting just to make your spouse jealous? This behavior can backfire at some point. Trying to get your spouse’s attention through jealousy can damage trust and strain your marriage. While moderate flirting can be healthy, jealousy-provoking tactics used to maintain your partner’s interest are inappropriate, and could possibly indicate personal insecurities and/or other relational issues.^1,2

4. You’re Hiding Things from Your Spouse

It is normal to want some privacy, but continuously lying or withholding certain information from your partner may suggest that something shady is going on. Take a closer look into your social interactions–would you feel comfortable having your spouse witness them?  If not, chances are you are inappropriately flirting with other people behind your partner’s back.^3,4

5. Becoming Defensive When Confronted

Are you minimizing or getting defensive about the scope of your flirting when confronted by your spouse? Defensiveness can take many forms; you may deflect the nature of your bantering, completely deny your actions, or rationalize why you are doing it. Your evasiveness may further confirm that your flirting has gone too far.³

6. Deliberately Touching Someone

Not all physical contact translates into sensual or flirty intent. Hugging a friend or high fiving someone can convey reassurance and enhance social connections. Yet, frequently and purposely touching someone in a provocative way–like caressing their hand or giving them a tight and lingering hug–is inappropriate flirting, and implies a romantic/sexual interest, particularly when there’s attraction between either party.⁶ Even so, this may likely be considered sexual harassment in certain settings.¹

7. Flirting With Someone When There is an Attraction

Being married doesn’t mean you won’t notice attractive people, but you don’t have to act on your interests. Mischievously bantering with someone you have sexual tension with is like playing with fire, because you can grow closer to them and start wanting more. Over time, you may get carried away, flirt more, cross additional lines, and eventually end up having an emotional and/or physical affair.

8. Not Disclosing Your Marital Status Online or in Public

Being dishonest about your relationship status can make others assume you’re available, increasing the risk of misunderstandings or unwanted advances. This can get risky, because the person you are being playful with may think that you are interested in becoming more intimate or open to the possibility of being pursued, or vice versa.^2,4,7

How Inappropriate Flirting Can Hurt Your Marriage

Issues related to inappropriate flirting can have a negative emotional and psychological impact on a couple, causing friction within the marriage. When this behavior becomes frequent, it can lead to conflict, increased resentment, lack of intimacy, and low self-esteem, among other challenges.

Some ways inappropriate flirting can affect your marriage include:^3,4,5

• Eliciting frequent conflicts, issues, and arguments
• Building resentment in the marriage
• Triggering trust issues in the relationship
• Injuring the intimacy and connection between partners
• Affecting self-esteem
• Increasing the risk for infidelity
• Ending your marriage or relationship

Is It Ever Okay to Flirt While Married?

Flirting while married can be healthy and further enhance the relationship if partners direct it towards each other; this can make both feel loved and reassured. Moreover, some couples (particularly those in a satisfying relationship) don’t mind their partner bantering to connect with others and boost self-esteem, if pre-established boundaries remain intact.^1,4,8,9

Likewise, flirting outside of the marriage is typically an acceptable practice by couples who are in polyamorous or open relationships.

Is Flirting Cheating When Married?

Flirting in marriage can be considered cheating if it crosses emotional or physical boundaries agreed upon by the couple. While some view flirting as harmless, others see it as a betrayal of trust, especially if it creates emotional intimacy outside the marriage. Ultimately, whether flirting is considered cheating depends on the expectations and boundaries set within the relationship.

How to Avoid Inappropriate Flirting When Married

Inappropriate flirting does not necessarily have to be an issue of concern in your relationship, as certain situations can be avoided or prevented by having clear boundaries in place. The key is to recognize when flirting crosses the line, stay mindful of it, and put a stop to it before it escalates.

Some tips for avoiding inappropriate flirting when married include:

Define Inappropriate Flirting

If you or your partner engage in inappropriate flirting, having an open conversation is important, especially if it’s a recurring issue. This is an opportunity to be honest with each other and clarify what flirting means to both of you, what crosses the line, and whether either of you considers flirting a form of cheating. Addressing this topic early can help prevent misunderstandings and potential conflicts down the road.

Remember That Flirting Can Be Normal

Flirting is in our nature and can closely resemble other forms of interactions, such as being friendly or joking. Flirting is not just specific to courtship and mate selection, but also a way in which we present ourselves as approachable. Thus, flirting within this context is normal and perhaps necessary in forging meaningful bonds in our lives.^1,9,10

Be Proactive About Social Situations

A sure way to avoid inappropriate flirting is by not placing yourself in social situations that can elicit such behavior. This may include going out to a strip club with friends, going to the movies with a friend you’re attracted to, etc. Think about how your spouse would feel if they were listening in on your conversation or present within your social interactions. But most importantly, regardless if you’re married or not, maintain respect and decency towards others, and have awareness of implications that can extend far beyond your marriage.

Keep the Spark

Relationship experts tell us that extramarital endeavors usually occur from one partner becoming bored, craving more excitement, sensing a lack of affection, and being dissatisfied in a relationship. That is why it is paramount that you keep your marriage fun and exciting. Cultivate the marriage by joking around, being playful with each other, planning small or big dates, or sending funny or cute texts. Imagine the “illicit” things you may want to do, and talk with your spouse about your fantasies in order to make these come true together (should they agree and it’s not something dangerous).

When to Consider Professional Help

If you haven’t been able to resolve the improper flirting or you’re struggling with residual issues, couples counseling or individual therapy can be beneficial. Counseling can help you apply the strategies above, improve communication, and set mutually agreed upon boundaries.¹¹

It’s best to tackle relationship strains early on before they take a toll on your marriage and wellbeing.⁵ If you and your spouse decide to enter couples or individual therapy, browsing through an online therapist directory to find a couples counselor is a great place to start. You can also participate in one of the many online couples counseling platforms.

Some therapeutic methods for relationship problems include:

• Couples Counseling: Provides a safety net for couples to voice and work through their respective emotions. Couples counseling can also assist couples in dealing with specific marital issues like improper flirting, poor communication, problems with intimacy, etc.
• Individual Therapy: Offers a confidential and validating space in which you can freely express and process your own feelings and opinions. Additionally, individual counseling can also address other personal or mental health issues affecting your overall well-being.
• Online Therapy: May be a practical therapy option if you have a busy lifestyle or fluctuating schedule. With online therapy, you can receive individual or couples counseling just like you would in a traditional setting, but from the comfort of your own home.