What Is Inappropriate Flirting When Married? 8 Examples & How to Avoid It

What is Considered Inappropriate Flirting When Married?

To understand inappropriate flirting, it’s important to define what this entails first. Generally, flirting refers to engaging in social interactions intended to attract a potential partner or fling. From an anthropological perspective, flirtatious behaviors have served to express interest towards someone to ensure reproduction and preserve the human race.^{1, 2}

Flirting with other people can occur when you’re married, and entail playful verbal/nonverbal cues that aren’t intentionally aimed at having a serious relationship or an affair. However, inappropriate flirting is determined by how you and your spouse define it; it can depend on one’s intent, type of flirting, who is being flirted with, and so forth.^{1, 3}

Some factors that may influence what is considered inappropriate flirting include:

• Type of flirting: Is it sexual, romantic, or disrespectful in nature?
• Intention behind the flirting: Is it in pursuit of engaging in an emotional affair? Does it involve sexting or micro-cheating? Is it done in an effort to leave your partner?
• The person you’re flirting with: Are you flirting with an ex, a crush, or someone who you share an attraction with?
• The way it’s perceived: Would it offend, mislead, harass, or hurt the flirt recipient? Would your spouse condone or condemn your acts of bantering?
• Relationship boundaries: Are you crossing established boundaries set by you and your partner? Would it break trust in your relationship?
• Consequences: Would the flirting damage your marriage? Could it lead to an affair, marital conflicts in and/or eventually end your relationship or have legal repercussions?

8 Examples of Inappropriate Flirting When Married

Inappropriate flirting when married can mean different things to each couple. If you are wondering whether your flirtation has crossed the line, consider asking yourself things such as Why am I flirting? or, What vibe am I putting out there? 

Here are eight examples of inappropriate flirting while married:

1. Coming on to Someone

Expressing a romantic or sexual interest towards a person outside of your marriage is not only inappropriate flirting, but disrespectful. The spouse typically sees it this way unless you’re in an open relationship in which seeking other partners is agreed upon as acceptable. Hitting on someone when you are married violates marital vows and possibly suggests relationship dissatisfaction, which eventually can lead to emotional or physical infidelity.^{4, 5} It’s worth mentioning that this act may constitute harassment and be frowned upon by society.¹

2. It Consumes Most of Your Energy

There are certain life-events or responsibilities that require your undivided attention and may pull you away from your partner and relationship for a period. However, frequently creating opportunities to flirt–like diverting all your attention to having flirty chats online/socially or trying to get closer to the person you’re flirting with–can make you neglect your partner and become indifferent towards your relationship.^{3, 4}

3. Flirting to Make Your Partner Jealous

Are you flirting just to make your spouse jealous? This behavior can backfire at some point. Trying to get your spouse’s attention by eliciting jealousy will not only upset them, but hinder the marriage too. While moderate flirting can be healthy, jealousy-provoking tactics used to maintain your partner’s interest are inappropriate, and could possibly indicate personal insecurities and/or other relational issues.^{1, 2}

4. You’re Hiding Things from Your Spouse

It is normal to want some privacy, but continuously lying or withholding certain information from your partner may suggest that something shady is going on. Take a closer look into your social interactions–would you feel comfortable having your spouse witness them?  If not, chances are you are inappropriately flirting with other people behind your partner’s back.^{3, 4}

5. Becoming Defensive When Confronted

Are you minimizing or getting defensive about the scope of your flirting when confronted by your spouse? Defensiveness can take many forms; you may deflect the nature of your bantering, completely deny your actions, or rationalize why you are doing it. Your evasiveness may further confirm that your flirting has gone too far.³

6. Deliberately Touching Someone

Not all physical contact translates into sensual or flirty intent. Hugging a friend or high fiving someone can convey reassurance and enhance social connections. Yet, frequently and purposely touching someone in a provocative way–like caressing their hand or giving them a tight and lingering hug–is inappropriate flirting, and implies a romantic/sexual interest, particularly when there’s attraction between either party.⁶ Even so, this may likely be considered sexual harassment in certain settings.¹

7. Flirting with Someone When There is an Attraction

Being married doesn’t mean you won’t notice attractive people, but you don’t have to act on your interests. Mischievously bantering with someone you have sexual tension with is like playing with fire, because you can grow closer to them and start wanting more. Over time, you may get carried away, flirt more, cross additional lines, and eventually end up having an emotional and/or physical affair.

8. Not Disclosing Your Marital Status Online or in Public

Whether in-person or online, being dishonest about your relationship status may be viewed to some degree as presenting yourself as “available.” This can get risky, because the person you are being playful with may think that you are interested in becoming more intimate or open to the possibility of being pursued, or vice versa.^{2, 4, 7}

How Inappropriate Flirting Can Hurt Your Marriage

Issues related to inappropriate flirting can have a negative emotional and psychological impact on a couple, causing friction within the marriage. This is especially so when this behavior is an ongoing occurrence. Improper flirting can hurt your marriage in many ways, including producing conflictive interactions, increased resentment, lack of intimacy, low self-esteem, among others.

Some ways inappropriate flirting can affect your marriage include:^{3, 4, 5}

• Eliciting frequent conflicts, issues, and arguments
• Building resentment in the marriage
• Triggering trust issues in the relationship
• Injuring the intimacy and connection between partners
• Affecting self-esteem
• Increasing the risk for infidelity
• Ending your marriage or relationship

Is It Ever Okay to Flirt While Married?

Flirting while married can be healthy and further enhance the relationship if partners direct it towards each other; this can make both feel loved and reassured. Moreover, some couples (particularly those in a satisfying relationship) don’t mind their partner bantering to connect with others and boost self-esteem, if pre-established boundaries remain intact.^{1, 4, 8, 9}

Likewise, flirting outside of the marriage is typically an acceptable practice by couples who are in polyamorous or open relationships.

How to Avoid Inappropriate Flirting When Married

Inappropriate flirting does not necessarily have to be an issue of concern in your relationship, as certain situations can be avoided or prevented by having clear boundaries in place. What’s key to doing so is recognizing inappropriate flirting for what it is, being aware of it, and stopping it right in its tracks before it gets out of hand.

Some tips for avoiding inappropriate flirting when married include:

Define Inappropriate Flirting

If you or your partner are inappropriately flirting, talking about this is essential, particularly if it’s an ongoing issue. This offers a good opportunity to be honest with each other, and address how each defines flirting, what counts as inappropriate, where to draw the line, and if either one thinks flirting is cheating. Approaching this topic sooner rather than later can save you from misunderstandings down the road.

Remember that Flirting can Be Normal

Flirting is in our nature and can closely resemble other forms of interactions, such as being friendly or joking. Flirting is not just specific to courtship and mate selection, but also a way in which we present ourselves as approachable. Thus, flirting within this context is normal and perhaps necessary in forging meaningful bonds in our lives.^{1, 9, 10}

Be Proactive About Social Situations

A sure way to avoid inappropriate flirting is by not placing yourself in social situations that can elicit such behavior. This may include going out to a strip club with friends, going to the movies alone with a friend you’re attracted to, etc. Think about how your spouse would feel if they were listening in on your conversation or present within your social interactions. But most importantly, regardless if you’re married or not, maintain respect and decency towards others, and have awareness of implications that can extend far beyond your marriage.

Keep the Spark

Relationship experts tell us that extramarital endeavors usually occur from one partner becoming bored, craving more excitement, sensing a lack of affection, and being dissatisfied in a relationship. That is why it is paramount that you keep your marriage fun and exciting. Cultivate the marriage by joking around, being playful with each other, planning small or big dates, or sending funny or cute texts. Imagine the “illicit” things you may want to do, and talk with your spouse about your fantasies in order to make these come true together (should they agree and it’s not something dangerous).

When to Consider Professional Help

If you haven’t been able to resolve the improper flirting and/or are struggling with residual issues or other personal/relationship problems, couples counseling or individual therapy can be beneficial. Counseling can help you apply the strategies above, improve communication, and set mutually agreed upon boundaries.¹¹

It’s best to tackle relationship strains early on before they take a toll on your marriage and wellbeing.⁵ If you and your spouse decide to enter couples or individual therapy, browsing through an online therapist directory is a great place to start. This tool allows you to find a couples counselor or mental health professional who offers in-person or online sessions, and can best fit your specific needs.

Some therapeutic methods for relationship problems include:

• Couples Counseling: Provides a safety net for couples to voice and work through their respective emotions. It can also assist couples in dealing with specific marital issues like improper flirting, poor communication, problems with intimacy, etc.
• Individual Therapy: Offers a confidential and validating space in which you can freely express and process your own feelings and opinions. Additionally, individual counseling can also address other personal or mental health issues affecting your overall well-being.
• Online Therapy: May be a practical therapy option if you have a busy lifestyle or fluctuating schedule. With teletherapy, you can receive individual or couples counseling just like you would in a traditional setting, but from the comfort of your own home.

Final Thoughts

While inappropriate flirting is ultimately defined by you and your partner, it might still create problems if you’re both not on the same page. That’s why it’s crucial to create awareness around this topic, and engage in regular and honest conversations about what counts as inappropriate flirting. This can help establish healthy relationship boundaries and decrease the likelihood of potential misinterpretations. Moreover, seeking professional guidance before the inappropriate flirting escalates can further assist when dealing with this issue.