Narcissists are addicted to the drug of external validation, which makes them completely dependent on others to validate and make them feel good about themselves.1 That’s why narcissists often recruit enablers into their inner circles. Narcissistic enablers are typically put to work as security guards, attack dogs, damage control, cheerleaders, and clean up crews who protect the narcissist and their interests.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder (or NPD) is a personality disorder characterized by traits such as arrogance, grandiosity, entitlement, and envy.2 Everyone possesses some narcissistic traits, but only about five to seven percent of the US population has clinical NPD.3 While people with NPD often appear arrogant and overconfident, they tend to care a great deal about what others think of them, and are prone to sensitivity and defensiveness.1
Some people with NPD also display antisocial traits and behaviors, like a lack of empathy and a tendency to abuse or exploit others for personal gain. The more severe someone’s diagnosis is, the harder it is for them to function, make good decisions, and form healthy, close, and lasting relationships with other people.1, 2, 3
What Is a Narcissist Enabler?
Enablers are those who support and protect unhealthy people in ways that make it easier for that person to continue their destructive habits. The term has frequently been used to describe those who help sustain another person’s addiction, and is closely linked to codependency and poor boundaries.4 Narcissistic enablers protect a narcissist from experiencing some of the consequences of their own actions, but they sometimes also attack others who the narcissist feels threatened by.
Unlike other enablers, some narcissistic enablers adopt the narcissist’s abusive tactics to defend them including gaslighting, coercion, triangulation and projection.5 This is why some narcissistic enablers are also referred to as ‘flying monkeys,’ which is a nod to the flying monkeys used to do the Wicked Witch’s bidding in the famous movie The Wizard of Oz. Not all enablers are like this but those who are can be almost as toxic as the narcissists they’re defending.1
10 Signs of a Narcissistic Enabler
Narcissistic enablers are generally found within a narcissist’s inner circles, where they’re used by the narcissist as frontline defense and attack teams. A narcissist tends to form strategic relationships with people who can help them achieve their goals or meet their needs and desires.1, 3, 5, 6
Below are 10 signs of a narcissistic enabler:
1. They Are Part of the Narcissist’s Inner Circle
Because narcissists are inherently self-centered, the only people who make it into their inner circle are those who can offer something of value to them.5 The narcissistic enabler offers the narcissist love, loyalty, and a standing offer to come to their aid when needed. Thus, the closer someone is to the narcissist, the more likely it is that they have some enabling tendencies.
2. Their Strengths, Talents & Resources Are Used by the Narcissist
Narcissists are usually very good at recognizing useful traits and abilities in others, and finding ways to benefit from them.1, 5 For example, aggressive people can be turned into flying monkeys, attractive people can become ‘trophies,’ and well-connected people can be used for their network. When you see someone’s strengths, abilities, and resources being used to protect, defend, or further the narcissist’s interest, it’s usually a sign you’re dealing with a narcissistic enabler.1
3. They Subscribe to the Narcissist’s Deluded Version of Reality
Narcissist’s create distorted versions of reality that portray them as they want to be seen. In this false reality, they are able to pretend that they are more successful, beautiful, respected, or important than they actually are. This version of reality feels more real to the narcissist when others participate in the delusion, and the enabler is almost always willing to do so. Enablers are usually as deeply in denial as those they’re protecting, and completely bought into the false reality constructed by the narcissist.1, 4
4. They Always Stand Up for the Narcissist
A narcissistic enabler will always come to the defense of the narcissist, no matter what they’ve done wrong.4 They might deny any wrongdoing, minimize it, shift the blame onto someone or something else, or make excuses for things the person said or did. Often, the enabler will have a completely different set of standards and rules on how others should behave, and these don’t apply to the narcissist. They may not be aware of this double standard, even though it’s usually obvious to other people.
5. They Protect the Narcissist from Themselves
One of the clearest signs of enabling is when a person tries to protect someone from themselves. Similar to people with addictions, narcissists behave in ways that are reckless, destructive, and likely to lead to some kind of fallout later on.1 Narcissist enablers frequently run damage control after these destructive outbursts. They might try to patch up relationships, apologize on behalf of the narcissist, attempt to protect the narcissist’s self-image, or clean up the messes they made.4
6. They Always Choose the Narcissist’s Side
In the narcissist’s twisted version of reality, they’re always right. This also means that anyone participating in their distorted reality has to agree to these terms and choose their side in any fight.1, 6 The narcissist is hypersensitive and defensive, meaning that fights happen a lot–and when they do, the enablers will always be their loyal allies, no matter who the ‘enemy’ is.5 The enabler may even want to keep others away so they can be the person who the narcissist sees as their most loyal person.
7. They Put the Narcissist Before Themselves
Another hallmark trait of an enabler is the tendency to put someone else’s needs, wants, and feelings before their own. A narcissistic enabler will often go out of their way to make the narcissist in their life happy, even when it comes at the expense of their own happiness. Selfless and self-sacrificing behaviors are common in enablers, and can be a clear indication that someone has fallen into this role.4
8. They Mirror Some of the Narcissist’s Tactics
Not all narcissistic enablers become flying monkeys, but those who do adopt many of the narcissist’s control and narcissistic manipulation tactics. They may be seen gaslighting people, projecting blame, or using guilt trips to get others to do what the narcissist wants. If you’re dealing with someone close to a narcissist and begin to recognize similar narcissistic behaviors in them, this generally indicates a narcissistic enabler who doubles as a flying monkey.
9. They Are Driven by Fear
When someone seems to be driven by a fear of upsetting or disappointing the narcissist, it may be a sign that you’re dealing with an enabler. Almost all enabling is driven by fear, and this is also true of those who enable someone with NPD. The specific fear driving the enablers can vary, and include fears of abandonment, abuse, failure, or being alone.4, 5 Often, this fear is intensified over time as the enabler learns the many consequences of letting the narcissist down.
10. The Narcissist Is Their Drug of Choice
The narcissist’s drug of choice is external validation, but the enabler’s drug of choice is the narcissist.1 It can be hard to understand why someone would be so attracted to traits most people feel repulsed by–the narcissist and the enabler often have a deeply complicated relationship. The extreme ups and downs involved with loving a narcissist generate strong emotions that can feel exhilarating, similar to the high people experience when they take drugs.7 Like many people with an addiction, the enabler might even try to leave the narcissist, but end up coming back.6
Why Do People Become Narcissistic Enablers?
Narcissists are notorious for using charm, manipulation, and coercive tactics to lure people in and convince them to do things for them.1, 5 They often target people who have low self-esteem, attachment trauma, codependent tendencies, or a history of abuse, because they view these individuals as being easier to control.6, 7 Once they identify a victim, they may use love bombing, hoovering, guilt trips, and other abusive and manipulative tactics to recruit them as a narcissistic enabler.5, 6
There are a number of different reasons why a person becomes a narcissistic enabler, including:
They Are Codependent
There can be a ‘fatal attraction’ between a narcissist and someone who is codependent, which may be why this pairing is so common.7 People who are codependent usually have poor boundaries, low self-esteem, and struggle to stand up for themselves or say ‘no’ to others.
Codependence is very attractive to the narcissist, who tends to view relationships in a transactional way. To someone with NPD, codependence is a solution for many of the common frustrations most relationships pose.7 For example, someone who is codependent is much less likely to tell them no, set boundaries, or make things about themselves.1
They’re Blinded by Love for the Narcissist
Many narcissistic enablers truly love the narcissist in their lives, and are blinded by this love. Their feelings of love and affection can cause the person to overlook or dismiss the red flags and warning signs of NPD.1, 5 Strong emotions like this can cause a confirmation bias where people selectively see facts that confirm what they already feel and think, instead of seeing reality as it is.
Narcissists often are ‘hot and cold’ towards loved ones, which can make it even harder for people to see the truth. The enabler remembers the nice things the person has done for them, while minimizing or denying all of the cruelty, lies, and emotional abuse.6 When love blinds a person from seeing a person’s narcissism, it also prevents them from recognizing their own enabling behaviors.5, 7
They Feel Guilty or Bad for the Narcissist
Enabling typically involves helping, rescuing, or protecting someone who is seen as vulnerable. Evoking feelings of guilt or pity both succeed in making the narcissist appear to be weak and in need of the enabler’s help.1, 5
Guilt trips do this by making a person feel as though something happening to the narcissist is their fault, which can make them eager to ‘make it up’ to them by being helpful. The victim card is used to make the person pity the narcissist, which also causes them to want to do things to rescue or help the narcissist.1, 5 In both instances, these emotions make someone much more vulnerable to engaging in enabling behaviors.
They’re Afraid of the Narcissist
Fear is a powerful tool of coercion, and one that is often used by narcissists to enlist the help of their enablers.5 A narcissist may use a variety of tactics to instill fear into people, including making overt and veiled threats against someone for not doing what they want. Narcissistic rage can also make people feel threatened, and tends to occur when the narcissist feels hurt, threatened, or insecure.1
Unfortunately, many people who are in close relationships with a narcissist have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, which is a pattern of psychological abuse narcissists use to control. This pattern of coercion and manipulation can create a strong incentive to avoid getting on the bad side of a narcissist.5 Fear can transform even the most reluctant person into a narcissistic enabler.
They’re Afraid of Being Abandoned
Many codependent enablers have deep-seated abandonment issues that cause them to form enmeshed relationships with people who need them. Relationships built on dependence often feel safer than ones built on a healthy sense of independence to someone with abandonment fears. These same issues can turn them into narcissistic enablers, or even flying monkeys, who do whatever the narcissist asks of them in order to avoid being abandoned.1, 7
Sometimes, the fears of abandonment aren’t just emotional in nature, but also stem from being dependent on the narcissist in some other way. For example, a spouse or partner of a narcissist might be financially dependent on the narcissist, or may stay with them because of children, custody, or a fear of being taken to court. Narcissists can be very vindictive, so fear of revenge might also be the reason why an enabler stays with the narcissist.6
They Have Low Self-Esteem
In some cases, low self-esteem might partly explain why some people become narcissist enablers. Narcissists often use charm, flattery, and love bombing tactics in the beginning of a relationship to get someone to bond closely and trust them. People with low self-esteem might be particularly vulnerable to the influence of these forms of emotional manipulation, which are usually designed to make a person feel seen, heard, and important.1,5
Once the narcissist has succeeded in getting someone to trust and open up to them, they will usually begin to withhold affection, become hot and cold towards the person, and use abusive tactics against them. Over time, this kind of treatment further erodes the person’s self-esteem and confidence, breeds self-doubt, and makes the person less likely to say no or set boundaries with the narcissist.5,6
They Have a Trauma Bond With the Narcissist
There is a strange psychological phenomenon called trauma bonding–this may also help explain why people become narcissistic enablers. Trauma bonding is a deep emotional attachment and loyalty someone forms with a person who mistreats or abuses them. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding occurs when an abuser provides occasional affection or kindness to their victim, which can evoke false feelings of love and loyalty.
The cycle of abuse can further strengthen a trauma bond between a narcissist and their victim, which can set the stage for enabling. Once it’s established, the victim will become desperate to earn back the love, trust, and affection of the narcissist during the abuse phase of the cycle.4, 5 This creates a dynamic in the relationship that makes it easy for the victim to fall into the trap of becoming a narcissistic enabler.6
How to Deal With a Narcissist Enabler
Dealing with a narcissistic enabler can be almost as challenging as dealing with someone who has NPD. Many of the same tactics you’d use to deal with a narcissist are also useful when dealing with their enablers. These include managing your own emotions, setting healthy boundaries, and trying to limit your interactions.
Here are some strategies on how to deal with a narcissistic enabler:1, 5, 6
- Keep your cool: Losing your temper or becoming emotional can undermine your credibility and leave you open to attack.
- Don’t confide in them: Assume everything you say to the enabler will be relayed back to the narcissist, and avoid spilling any secrets you don’t want shared.
- Set a boundary: Figure out what you’re comfortable talking about with the enabler (if anything) and set healthy boundaries by not discussing anything else with them, saying no, or ending the conversation if it becomes too heated.
- Don’t enable the enabler: You might feel bad for the enabler, which can put you at risk for enabling patterns, including making excuses for their actions or putting yourself on the line to try to help or rescue them from their choices.
- Ask the obvious: Sometimes, it’s appropriate to (politely) ask the obvious question: “Why are you the one talking to me about this?,” which can reverse the dynamic and put the enabler in the hot seat for a moment.
- Refuse to talk to a middleman: If there’s an issue between you and the narcissist, try to resolve it directly, and refuse to pass messages back and forth through someone else.
- Try to have witnesses: Anyone acting as a narcissistic enabler probably doesn’t have the best intentions, which is why it’s smart to have witnesses who can verify what was said and done, making it harder for them to twist the facts.
- Limit your interactions: It’s a good idea to distance yourself as much as possible from narcissists and the people who seem sworn to defend them, especially if they’ve become toxic, abusive, or begun to target you.
- Go no-contact: Sometimes it’s necessary to completely go ‘no-contact’ with a narcissist and their enablers, especially when there’s been a history of abusive behaviors.
How to Avoid Enabling a Narcissist
Many psychologists and experts in the field believe there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with a narcissist, mostly because of the inherent social deficits in someone with NPD. It is also believed that distancing yourself from someone who is showing signs of narcissism is the best way to protect yourself from them.1, 5, 6 Enablers are victims of narcissistic abuse who end up either facilitating abuse or becoming abusers themselves.4
Here are some strategies that can help you create this distance from a narcissist and prevent being used by them:1, 5
- Don’t feed their need for validation: One of the best ways to protect yourself from becoming a narcissist’s victim is to avoid giving them praise, time, or attention. By refusing to become a source of narcissistic supply for their ego, the narcissist is much more likely to lose interest in you and find another target.
- Don’t look for validation from them: Seeking validation or attention from a narcissist is just as dangerous as giving it to them, and maybe even more dangerous, as it can indebt you to them and get you hooked into their control grid.
- Don’t drink their Kool-aid: Narcissists can talk a good game, and many are charming, beautiful, successful and likeable… at least at first. Make a habit of looking beneath the surface when you meet people, and to pay more attention to their character and integrity than the flashy things at the surface. This is one way of ‘not drinking the kool-aid’ that ends up trapping a lot of people in the narcissist’s web.
- Try not to trigger their envy: It isn’t always possible to avoid making a narcissist jealous, but it’s definitely smart to avoid doing anything to intentionally compete with or ‘one-up’ them, as this will usually make you a target
- Try to blend into the crowd: Some people use a skill called ‘grey rocking’ to avoid sparking the interest, envy, or rage (which are all connected) of the narcissist. Gray-rocking is a term used to describe blending in and trying to seem boring and uninteresting to the narcissist to get them to overlook you.
- Avoid getting too personal: It’s a very bad idea to open up to a narcissist, no matter how friendly they are acting on a given day. Assume that all personal information you give them can be turned into a weapon against you later on, and give as little personal information as possible (without being rude).
- Don’t do them any favors: This last tip is one of the most important–do not do any favors for someone who has narcissistic traits and tendencies. As soon as you offer to help them with something, you open the door for future requests, which will almost always involve bigger and bigger favors.
Can Therapy Help Narcissistic Enablers?
Therapy is often an essential part of the healing process for those with narcissistic abuse syndrome. In therapy, narcissistic enablers can often slowly come to terms with the truth about the narcissist in their lives and the ways they’ve enabled them. Finding a therapist who is knowledgeable about NPD, narcissistic abuse, and trauma-informed therapy is a good idea, and can help ensure people get the help they need.5
Therapy can also allow people to rebuild parts of themselves that are broken down in a relationship with a narcissist. For instance, a skilled therapist can help clients restore their self-esteem, overcome trust issues, and reprioritize neglected self-care routines.6 While no one is “beyond help”, many narcissists are either unwilling to try individual, couples, or family therapy, so therapy may be something the enabler has to do on their own.1
Final Thoughts
Many narcissists recruit enablers into their inner circle who are extremely loyal to them and will do almost anything to make them happy. Some narcissistic enablers even become ‘flying monkeys’ who are willing to attack or abuse people the narcissist feels threatened by. Narcissistic enablers are almost always victims themselves, but it’s often still necessary to distance yourself from them, especially if they’ve become toxic or abusive.
For Further Reading
If you want to learn more about NPD, narcissistic abuse, or enabling, consider checking out some of the resources below:
Narcissistic Enablers Infographics
