Narcissistic Enablers: How to Recognize & Deal With One

What Is a Narcissist Enabler?

Enablers are those who support and protect unhealthy people in ways that make it easier for that person to continue their destructive habits. The term has frequently been used to describe those who help sustain another person’s addiction and is closely linked to codependency and poor boundaries.² Narcissistic enablers protect narcissists from experiencing some of the consequences of their own actions, but they sometimes also attack others who the narcissist feels threatened by.

Some narcissistic enablers don’t just passively enable the narcissist. Instead, they actively adopt the narcissist’s harmful tactics, such as gaslighting, coercion, triangulation, and projection.³ These enablers use these tactics as a defense mechanism, often to protect themselves from the narcissist’s wrath or to stay in their favor. By mirroring the narcissist’s behavior, they become extensions of the narcissist’s abusive dynamic.¹

10 Signs of a Narcissistic Enabler

Narcissistic enablers are generally found within a narcissist’s inner circles, where they’re used by the narcissist as frontline defense and attack teams. A narcissist tends to form strategic relationships with people who can help them achieve their goals or meet their needs and desires.^1,3,4,5

Here are ten signs of a narcissistic enabler:

1. They Are Part of the Narcissist’s Inner Circle

Because narcissists are inherently self-centered, the only people who make it into their inner circle are those who can offer them something of value³. The narcissistic enabler offers the narcissist love, loyalty, and a standing offer to come to their aid when needed. Thus, the closer someone is to the narcissist, the more likely it is that they have some enabling tendencies.

2. Their Strengths, Talents & Resources Are Used by the Narcissist

Narcissists are usually very good at recognizing useful traits in others and finding ways to benefit from them.^1,3  For example, the narcissist might encourage an aggressive person to actively defend them or attack others on their behalf. Alternatively, an attractive person might be used as a “trophy” to boost the narcissist’s image or status. Or, someone with a strong social network or influential connections may be used by the narcissist to gain access to opportunities, resources, or relationships that serve their interests.¹

3. They Subscribe to the Narcissist’s Deluded Version of Reality

Narcissists create distorted versions of reality that portray them as they want to be seen. In this false reality, they are able to pretend that they are more successful, beautiful, respected, or important than they actually are. This version of reality feels more real to the narcissist when others participate in the delusion, and the enabler is almost always willing to do so. Enablers are usually as deeply in denial as those they’re protecting and completely bought into the false reality constructed by the narcissist.^1,2

4. They Always Stand Up for the Narcissist

A narcissistic enabler will always come to the defense of the narcissist, no matter what they’ve done wrong.² They might deny any wrongdoing, minimize it, shift the blame onto someone or something else, or make excuses for things the person said or did. Often, the enabler will have a completely different set of standards and rules on how others should behave, and these don’t apply to the narcissist. They may not be aware of this double standard, even though it’s usually obvious to other people.

5. They Protect the Narcissist from Themselves

One of the clearest signs of enabling is when a person tries to protect someone from themselves. Similar to people with addictions, narcissists behave in ways that are reckless, destructive, and likely to lead to some kind of fallout later on.¹ Narcissist enablers frequently run damage control after these destructive outbursts. They might try to patch up relationships, apologize on behalf of the narcissist, attempt to protect the narcissist’s self-image or clean up the messes they made.²

6. They Always Choose the Narcissist’s Side

In the narcissist’s twisted version of reality, they’re always right. This also means that anyone participating in their distorted reality has to agree to these terms and choose their side in any fight.^1,5 The narcissist is hypersensitive and defensive, meaning that fights happen a lot–and when they do, the enablers will always be their loyal allies, no matter who the ‘enemy’ is.³ The enabler may even want to keep others away so they can be the person who the narcissist sees as their most loyal person.

7. They Put the Narcissist Before Themselves

Another hallmark trait of an enabler is the tendency to put someone else’s needs, wants, and feelings before their own. A narcissistic enabler will often go out of their way to make the narcissist in their life happy, even when it comes at the expense of their own happiness. Selfless and self-sacrificing behaviors are common in enablers and can be a clear indication that someone has fallen into this role.²

8. They Mirror Some of the Narcissist’s Tactics

Some narcissistic enablers begin to imitate the narcissist’s toxic behaviors to support or defend the narcissist. These enablers don’t just passively allow the narcissist’s actions—they actively adopt similar manipulation tactics to help the narcissist maintain control or achieve their goals. This makes them nearly as harmful as the narcissist themselves, as they amplify and spread the narcissist’s tactics.

9. They Are Driven by Fear

When someone seems to be driven by a fear of upsetting or disappointing the narcissist, it may be a sign that you’re dealing with an enabler. Almost all enabling is driven by fear, and this is also true of those who enable someone with NPD. The specific fear driving the enablers can vary, and include fears of abandonment, abuse, failure, or being alone.^2,3 Often, this fear is intensified over time as the enabler learns the many consequences of letting the narcissist down.

10. The Narcissist Is Their Drug of Choice

The narcissist’s drug of choice is external validation, but the enabler’s drug of choice is the narcissist.¹ It can be hard to understand why someone would be so attracted to traits most people feel repulsed by–the narcissist and the enabler often have a deeply complicated relationship. The extreme ups and downs involved with loving a narcissist generate strong emotions that can feel exhilarating, similar to the high people experience when they take drugs.⁶ Like many people with an addiction, the enabler might even try to leave the narcissist but end up coming back.⁵

Why Do People Become Narcissistic Enablers?

Narcissists are notorious for using charm, manipulation, and coercive tactics to lure people in and convince them to do things for them.^1,3They often target people who have low self-esteem, attachment trauma, codependent tendencies, or a history of abuse, because they view these individuals as being easier to control.^5,6 Once they identify a victim, they may use love bombing, hoovering, guilt trips, and other abusive and manipulative tactics to recruit them as a narcissistic enabler.^3,5

There are a number of different reasons why a person becomes a narcissistic enabler, including:

They Are Codependent

Narcissists and codependent individuals often form relationships that are dysfunctional but mutually reinforcing.⁶ People who are codependent usually have poor boundaries, low self-esteem, and struggle to stand up for themselves or say ‘no’ to others. The narcissist takes advantage of the codependent’s willingness to meet their needs without resistance. Meanwhile, the codependent often seeks validation and a sense of purpose by focusing on pleasing the narcissist. This creates a cycle where the narcissist benefits from the codependent’s accommodating nature, while the codependent feels temporarily valued by putting the narcissist’s needs first, even if it harms their own well-being.^1,6

They’re Blinded by Love for the Narcissist

Many narcissistic enablers truly love the narcissist in their lives and are blinded by this love. Their feelings of love and affection can cause the person to overlook or dismiss the red flags and warning signs of NPD.^1,3 Strong emotions like this can cause a confirmation bias where people selectively see facts that confirm what they already feel and think instead of seeing reality as it is.

Narcissists often are ‘hot and cold’ towards loved ones, which can make it even harder for people to see the truth. The enabler remembers the nice things the person has done for them while minimizing or denying all of the cruelty, lies, and emotional abuse.⁵ When love blinds a person from seeing a person’s narcissism, it also prevents them from recognizing their own enabling behaviors.^3,6

They Feel Guilty or Bad for the Narcissist

Narcissists often portray themselves as victims or create situations where others feel responsible for their struggles. This triggers feelings of guilt or pity in the enabler, making them more likely to step in and help or protect the narcissist. For example, guilt trips make the enabler feel as if they are somehow to blame for the narcissist’s difficulties, leading them to try to “fix” the situation. Meanwhile, playing the victim card makes the narcissist appear helpless or wronged, which can inspire the enabler to offer support or assistance out of sympathy. In both cases, these emotions—guilt and pity—lower the enabler’s defenses, making them more likely to excuse or participate in the narcissist’s harmful behaviors.^1,3

They’re Afraid of the Narcissist

Fear plays a key role in why some people enable narcissists. Narcissists use fear as a form of control.³ For example, they might issue direct threats, hint at consequences for disobedience, or explode in anger when their demands aren’t met. This behavior can leave people feeling unsafe or anxious about upsetting the narcissist.¹

In many cases, those close to the narcissist have experienced narcissistic abuse—a pattern of emotional manipulation and psychological control. This abuse can condition individuals to prioritize avoiding conflict or punishment, even if it means enabling harmful behavior. Over time, the fear of provoking the narcissist can become so overwhelming that people feel they have no choice but to comply, turning them into enablers as a way to protect themselves.³

They’re Afraid of Being Abandoned

Codependent enablers often have unresolved abandonment issues, making them cling to relationships where they feel needed. For these individuals, relationships built on dependence may feel safer than those based on healthy independence, even if the relationship is toxic. To avoid the perceived threat of being abandoned, they may comply with the narcissist’s demands.^1,6

In some cases, this fear isn’t just emotional but also practical. The enabler might depend on the narcissist financially, remain with them for the sake of shared children, or fear losing custody in a legal battle. Additionally, narcissists are often vindictive, so the enabler might also fear retaliation if they attempt to leave. These factors make the enabler feel trapped, leading them to stay in the relationship and support the narcissist’s harmful behavior.⁵

They Have Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem might partly explain why some people become narcissist enablers. Narcissists often use charm, flattery, and love-bombing tactics at the beginning of a relationship to get someone to bond closely and trust them. People with low self-esteem might be particularly vulnerable to the influence of these forms of emotional manipulation, which are usually designed to make a person feel seen, heard, and important.^1,3

Once the narcissist has succeeded in getting someone to trust and open up to them, they will usually begin to withhold affection, become hot and cold towards the person, and use abusive tactics against them. Over time, this kind of treatment further erodes the person’s self-esteem and confidence, breeds self-doubt, and makes the person less likely to say no or set boundaries with the narcissist.^3,5

They Have a Trauma Bond With the Narcissist

There is a strange psychological phenomenon called trauma bonding–this may also help explain why people become narcissistic enablers. Trauma bonding is a deep emotional attachment and loyalty someone forms with a person who mistreats or abuses them. It occurs when an abuser provides occasional affection or kindness to their victim, which can evoke false feelings of love and loyalty.

The cycle of abuse can further strengthen a trauma bond between a narcissist and their victim, which can set the stage for enabling. Once it’s established, the victim will become desperate to earn back the love, trust, and affection of the narcissist during the abuse phase of the cycle.^2,3 This creates a dynamic in the relationship that makes it easy for the victim to fall into the trap of becoming a narcissistic enabler.⁵

How to Deal With a Narcissist Enabler

Dealing with a narcissistic enabler can be almost as challenging as dealing with someone who has NPD. Many of the same tactics you’d use to deal with a narcissist are also useful when dealing with their enablers. These include managing your own emotions, setting healthy boundaries, and trying to limit your interactions.

Here are some strategies on how to deal with a narcissistic enabler.^1,3,5

• Keep your cool: Losing your temper or becoming emotional can undermine your credibility and leave you open to attack.
• Don’t confide in them: Assume everything you say to the enabler will be relayed back to the narcissist, and avoid spilling any secrets you don’t want to be shared.
• Set a boundary: Figure out what you’re comfortable talking about with the enabler (if anything) and set healthy boundaries by not discussing anything else with them, saying no, or ending the conversation if it becomes too heated.
• Don’t enable the enabler: You might feel bad for the enabler, which can put you at risk for enabling patterns, including making excuses for their actions or putting yourself on the line to try to help or rescue them from their choices.
• Ask the obvious: Sometimes, it’s appropriate to (politely) ask the obvious question: “Why are you the one talking to me about this?” which can reverse the dynamic and put the enabler in the hot seat for a moment.
• Refuse to talk to a middleman: If there’s an issue between you and the narcissist, try to resolve it directly, and refuse to pass messages back and forth through someone else.
• Try to have witnesses: Anyone acting as a narcissistic enabler probably doesn’t have the best intentions, which is why it’s smart to have witnesses who can verify what was said and done, making it harder for them to twist the facts.
• Limit your interactions: It’s a good idea to distance yourself as much as possible from narcissists and the people who seem sworn to defend them, especially if they’ve become toxic, abusive, or begun to target you.
• Go no-contact: Sometimes, it’s necessary to completely go ‘no-contact’ with a narcissist and their enablers, especially when there’s been a history of abusive behaviors.

Free Worksheets for Navigating Challenging Relationships

This collection of worksheets offers practical tools and exercises to help you navigate challenging relationships and unwanted behaviors, and protect your well-being. The aim is not to fix the relationship but to empower you to create healthier responses, prioritize your well-being, and take control of your life. Download the one you need or download the complete workbook here.

Complete Workbook Download

Recognizing Toxic Behavior Download

Setting Healthy Boundaries Download

Self-Care Inventory Download

Setting SMART Goals Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

When to Seek Professional Support

Dealing with a narcissistic enabler can be emotionally draining and confusing, especially when their actions intensify the narcissist’s impact on your life. If the enabler’s behavior is affecting your well-being, relationships, or ability to set boundaries, it may be time to seek professional support.
Look for a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, or family dynamics. An online therapist directory allows you to filter providers based on expertise, location, or mode of therapy, such as virtual sessions. Additionally, online therapy services can connect you with licensed professionals who can offer flexible and accessible support.

Can Therapy Help Narcissistic Enablers?

Therapy is often an essential part of the healing process for those with narcissistic abuse syndrome. In therapy, narcissistic enablers can often slowly come to terms with the truth about the narcissist in their lives and the ways they’ve enabled them. Finding a therapist who is knowledgeable about NPD, narcissistic abuse, and trauma-informed therapy is a good idea and can help ensure people get the help they need.³

Therapy can also allow people to rebuild parts of themselves that are broken down in a relationship with a narcissist. For instance, a skilled therapist can help clients restore their self-esteem, overcome trust issues, and reprioritize neglected self-care routines.⁵ While no one is “beyond help”, many narcissists are either unwilling to try individual, couples, or family therapy, so therapy may be something the enabler has to do on their own.¹

How to Avoid Enabling a Narcissist

Many psychologists and experts in the field believe there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with a narcissist, mostly because of the inherent social deficits in someone with NPD. It is also believed that distancing yourself from someone who is showing signs of narcissism is the best way to protect yourself from them.^1,3,5

Here are some strategies that can help you create this distance from a narcissist and prevent being used by them:^1,3

• Don’t feed their need for validation: One of the best ways to protect yourself from becoming a narcissist’s victim is to avoid giving them praise, time, or attention. By refusing to become a source of narcissistic supply for their ego, the narcissist is much more likely to lose interest in you and find another target.
• Don’t look for validation from them: Seeking validation or attention from a narcissist is just as dangerous as giving it to them, and maybe even more dangerous, as it can indebt you to them and get you hooked into their control grid.
• Don’t drink their Kool-aid: Narcissists can talk a good game, and many are charming, beautiful, successful, and likable… at least at first. Make a habit of looking beneath the surface when you meet people, and pay more attention to their character and integrity than the flashy things at the surface. This is one way of ‘not drinking the Kool-Aid’ that ends up trapping a lot of people in the narcissist’s web.
• Try not to trigger their envy: It isn’t always possible to avoid making a narcissist jealous, but it’s definitely smart to avoid doing anything to intentionally compete with or ‘one-up’ them, as this will usually make you a target.
• Try to blend into the crowd: Some people use a skill called ‘grey rocking’ to avoid sparking the interest, envy, or rage (which are all connected) of the narcissist. Gray-rocking is a term used to describe blending in and trying to seem boring and uninteresting to the narcissist to get them to overlook you.
• Avoid getting too personal: It’s a very bad idea to open up to a narcissist, no matter how friendly they are acting on a given day. Assume that all personal information you give them can be turned into a weapon against you later on, and give as little personal information as possible (without being rude).
• Don’t do them any favors: This last tip is one of the most important–do not do any favors for someone who has narcissistic traits and tendencies. As soon as you offer to help them with something, you open the door for future requests, which will almost always involve bigger and bigger favors.