Repressed Anger: Signs, Causes, Treatments, & 8 Ways to Cope

What Is Repressed Anger?

Repressed anger is anger that is unintentionally avoided, often as an attempt to avoid uncomfortable feelings related to stress, conflict, and tension. Repressed anger is different from suppressed anger, which refers to the feelings people purposely avoid. Individuals who struggle with repressed anger often say, “I never get angry!” because they are unaware of their anger.¹

Anger is a universal secondary emotion all humans experience, typically in response to situations that are perceived as upsetting, stressful, or unfair. There are different ways that people respond when they are angry, and various methods of expressing anger. Repression of anger is anger that is not expressed, usually because people subconsciously want to ignore it or avoid it, often out of fear or shame.^1,2

Causes & Triggers of Repressed Anger

Repressed anger can occur for many reasons, but traumatic experiences in childhood trauma are the most common culprit.³ After experiencing trauma, many people feel confused, sad, or ashamed, and blame themselves for what happened. In turn, this causes them to internalize anger about what happened to them.¹ Cultural norms also factor into how people learn to express anger, with girls frequently learning it is unacceptable to express anger.^2,4

In some cases, you might not have felt allowed to feel or talk about your anger as a child. For instance, if you grew up in a household that shamed or criticized emotional expression, you may have internalized the belief that it isn’t safe to talk about your feelings, causing you to repress emotions instead of express them.^1,3,4 In another example, some people who grew up in a house with an abusive parent might associate anger with fear, danger, or damaged relationships.

However, it’s important to remember that there isn’t a single cause for this phenomenon, and many genetic and environmental factors can contribute to how people express and process emotions.

Common causes and triggers of repressed anger include:^1,3,4

• Being rejected for expressing anger in the past
• Having perfectionistic or neurotic tendencies
• Struggling with a mental health condition like depression, anxiety, or PTSD
• Using mood-altering substances like drugs or alcohol
• Experiencing chronic trauma
• Certain medical conditions like traumatic brain injuries
• Having the tendency to intellectualize your emotions
• Wanting to please others
• Having limited emotional intelligence
• Having a position of authority that requires a stoic, neutral personality
• Having high levels of shame
• Struggling with impulse control and emotion regulation

Signs of Repressed Anger

Repressed anger can manifest in many ways, causing subtle changes to the way people feel, think, and behave. Some individuals don’t notice these changes until their anger reaches extreme levels or they lash out at someone. Many who repress anger describe missing early anger cues like their heart rate increasing, blood pressure going up, or feeling tense, restless, or on edge.

People who repress anger often become defensive when they are accused of being angry. They don’t want to admit when they are frustrated, even when it is very clear to other people. This defensiveness makes it harder for them to accept and recognize their anger, making them more likely to minimize, ignore, or deny it.

Signs of repressed anger include:^1,2

• Never feeling angry, but often feeling sad or depressed
• Overuse of sarcasm or cynicism
• Being uncomfortable with conflict or confrontation
• Overusing distraction or avoidance to cope with difficult emotions
• Becoming defensive when accused of being angry
• Feeling the need to control many things in your life
• Experiencing chronic muscle tension or headaches
• Feeling uncomfortable when others share intimate emotions with you
• Being passive-aggressive when you interact with others
• Having difficulty setting boundaries, standing up for yourself, or saying no
• Shutting down, avoiding people, or isolating yourself when upset
• Becoming explosive when you do find yourself angry
• Complaining when things don’t go your way
• High levels of chronic stress or anxiety
• Frequent negative or self-critical thoughts
• Feeling bitter, envious, or resentful of others
• Ignoring things that bother or upset you rather than addressing them
• Holding grudges and ruminating on things that upset you
• Feeling guilty, ashamed, or bad when you are angry

Negative Effects of Repressed Anger

When anger is repressed, it can build up, causing many negative impacts on a person’s physical and mental health, as well as their overall quality of life and ability to function. Anger itself isn’t harmful or bad, but without any outlet or way to express it, people often aren’t able to just “let go” of it, especially if the trigger is something they encounter often.

Some of the harmful effects of repressed anger include:^1,2,3

• High blood pressure
• Chronic stress
• Heart problems
• Insomnia
• Higher risk for chronic illnesses
• Lowered self-esteem
• Anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions
• Higher risk for addictions
• Impulsivity and self-destructive behaviors
• Less open and honest communication
• Poorer relationships
• Difficulty concentrating
• Impaired work performance
• Numbness or apathy

8 Ways To Deal With Repressed Anger

There are many healthy ways to express anger that allow you to work through your emotions in the moment, rather than repress them and let them build up. These skills can help people become more assertive, or able to state how they feel, what they think, and what they need, in appropriate ways. Assertive communication provides a way of voicing anger that still protects relationships and roles that are important to people. In addition to being more assertive, those who repress anger can become more self-aware and develop healthy outlets for stress and anger.

Here are eight strategies for dealing with repressed anger:

1. Understand Where Your Anger Is Coming From

Like other emotions, anger is usually a reaction to something that is happening in yourself or in your life, and is often an indicator that there is a problem you need to address. In this way, anger can provide you with important data about what’s happening inside, what you want, what you need, and what care about. Oftentimes, this anger can make you feel like others hate you. Once you better understand where these feelings stem from within yourself, your perception of how others feel about you may also change.

Work to better understand your anger by thinking about times in the recent past when you have become angry, and by asking yourself the following questions:

• How did you know you were angry—what changed about your thoughts, feelings, actions, and bodily sensations?
• What do you think triggered your anger in that situation?
• What about that situation upset or angered you?
• Why did that bother you so much?
• What was your anger trying to tell you about what you wanted, needed or cared about?

2. Track Anger in Your Body

Becoming more aware of your anger can help you identify some of the early anger cues you might have missed in the past. A growing body of evidence suggests that we store emotions in our bodies, which is usually where people notice the first signs of anger.⁵ In stressful situations, “tune in” to your body and pay attention to what sensations, tension, and changes you notice.

By increasing your insight into these responses, you can better track your emotions. You can also understand potential triggers, which may help you recognize when you’re feeling angry. The earlier you notice your anger, the easier it is to process through the emotion.

Some of the more common ways that anger shows up in the body include:

• Chest tightness
• Muscle soreness
• Fatigue
• Increased heartbeat
• Upset stomach
• Dizziness
• Headache or migraine
• Weak limbs
• Increased blood pressure
• Muscle tension

3. Start Journaling

Journaling can help you become more attuned to your thoughts and feelings. It’s also a great exercise for emotional expression and one you can do almost anywhere. People who repress emotions usually struggle to be mindful of their inner thoughts and feelings, and journaling helps to foster self-awareness. Research also shows that journaling can improve your overall well-being and decrease depression and anxiety symptoms, which are common in those who repress anger.^3,6

To make this habit successful, it’s crucial to establish a routine. Try to journal around the same time each day, and make sure to write about your emotions. Some people benefit from having prompts to help them get started, while others prefer a less structured approach. Whichever is right for you, make sure to not overthink what you write, and practice just writing what comes to you.

4. Interrupt Angry Thoughts

Even if you struggle to identify anger, you might readily identify negative thoughts that feed into feelings of anger. For example, you might think that you’re stupid, worthless, or unlovable when you make a mistake, or you may beat yourself up over it. You might unconsciously do the same to others, noting all of the things another person is doing that upset you.

Thoughts have a significant impact on emotions. The more you repeat these kinds of negative thoughts in your mind, the angrier and more upset you will become. The next time you notice yourself in a downward spiral,  try to catch yourself and imagine pressing “pause” in your mind. Bring your full attention to what you can see, hear, or feel right now. The more focused you are on the present, the less you will be able to ruminate on thoughts that feed into anger and other difficult emotions.

5. Find a Physical Outlet for Your Anger

Anger is a high-energy emotion that can be stored in the body, so learning how to use your body to release the anger can help you regulate your emotions. Exercise and being physically active all help to release stress hormones and balance the chemistry in your brain, helping you feel calmer and more relaxed.

Some physical outlets that can help with repressed anger include:

• Sports
• Doing pushups or sit-ups
• Lifting weights
• Cardiovascular workouts like running, biking, or jogging

6. Practice Meditation

Meditation for anger involves using mindfulness to become more present and aware of the here and now. Mindfulness is practiced by putting your full attention to some aspect of your current experience. This might include your breath, sensations in your body, your surroundings, or becoming fully immersed in what you are doing.

Mindfulness and meditation help reduce stress, promote relaxation, and boost mood, and can also help you quiet some of your racing thoughts. Mindful people have higher cognitive performance, improved empathy levels, and make better decisions, even when they are angry or upset.⁷

Many may believe they need to commit to a perfect meditation practice, but mindfulness can be practiced in many ways that don’t interrupt your routine. To begin, simply close your eyes, rest one hand on top of your belly, and take a deep breath. Inhale for five counts and then release. Repeat this process for as long as you can. If thoughts arise (and they probably will), try not to judge them. Instead, acknowledge them for passing through.

7. Use I-Statements

Repressed anger can sometimes come out via passive or passive-aggressive communication, but “I-statements” help you communicate assertively. I-statements allow you to express your needs, even when you are upset. Unlike being aggressive, this protects the feelings of other people, allowing you to express yourself without being disrespectful.

I-statements require taking ownership of your reactions. The formula is simple- when interacting with someone, use the script, I feel ____ when you ____ and I would like _______.  This method allows you to communicate how you feel and what you would like for the other person to do differently. Unlike a “YOU” statement, I-statements diffuse blame. Instead of attacking the other person (which often results in them becoming defensive), you’re offering them a reasonable opportunity to respond.⁸

8. Feel Your Feelings

Many people who repress emotions like anger escape by using alcohol, food, video games, shopping, or other distractions. Commit to experiencing all of your feelings, and cutting back on distractions and escape methods. While some emotions are uncomfortable, being willing to feel them can provide numerous benefits.

First, if you’re unable to give up the vice, this could be a telling sign of an underlying compulsion or addiction. Second, you develop more confidence in your ability to experience your emotions rather than avoid them. The more confident you are that you can cope with difficult emotions like anger, the less control it has over you, and the less you will feel the need to repress it.

Treatment for Repressed Anger

Awareness is the first step in the process of making any positive change. Once you identify that you struggle with repressed anger, reaching out for professional support from a counselor can help you unpack this complex emotion, learn healthier ways to cope, and become more confident in your ability to express anger in ways that aren’t destructive.

Therapy Options

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all method for treating repressed anger. Your unique circumstances, past treatment history, co-occurring issues, and personal preferences all play a role in your treatment plan. Additionally, you may benefit from a combination of approaches. You will collaborate with your therapist to discuss the recommended treatment for your care and which anger management therapy techniques may be best for you.

Therapy for repressed anger may include:

• Individual therapy: Individual sessions with a licensed counselor can help you become more self-aware, identify and address underlying causes of anger, and learn better ways of coping. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anger management can be useful in helping to recognize triggers and teaching coping skills to effectively manage them.
• Couples or family therapy: When anger is affecting personal or family relationships, couples counseling or family therapy can help people learn more effective ways of communicating and repairing damaged relationships.
• Group therapy: Some people benefit from group therapy, especially one that targets anger management. In group therapy, a licensed counselor teaches coping skills, and people with similar issues can provide support to one another.

Lifestyle Changes

In addition to seeking therapy, implementing better self-care and making adjustments to your usual routine can improve symptoms of repressed anger. Self-care involves activities, skills, and supports that help people reduce stress and meet their emotional needs. This includes meeting your basic needs, like eating well and getting 7-9 hours of sleep each night, as well as making a point to take breaks and develop more work-life balance. Also, remember to stay connected to people who care about you and whom you feel you can open up to and rely on for emotional support.

When To Seek Professional Help

When repressed anger begins to negatively impact your physical or mental health, your relationships, or your quality of life, seeking professional help is recommended.  It’s important to remember that you may benefit from counseling, even if you don’t “need” it. Don’t wait until things get really bad before seeking help for your anger. Doing so may be detrimental to your physical and mental health, and finding support early can often prevent these negative impacts.

Choosing the right therapist is crucial when treating your repressed anger. Therapy is an intimate relationship, and you should feel safe with your therapist. It’s okay if you need to meet with a few professionals before you find the right fit, and many will offer free consultations to help people make this decision. Ideally, you want to work with someone specializing in trauma or anger management (the two issues are closely connected). A good place to start your search is by using an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

Repressed anger is anger that people push down, ignore, or avoid, and is often unconscious. Working to become more aware and attuned to emotions has many benefits, and is associated with being happier, healthier, and having a better overall quality of life. With the help of a therapist, people can learn healthier methods of expressing their anger which feel a lot better than repressing it.