Repressed anger refers to anger that is unconsciously avoided, denied, or pushed down. Many times, repressed anger contributes to mental health symptoms related to anxiety and depression. If left untreated, it can also cause self-sabotaging tendencies, poor self-esteem, physical pains, and relationship problems. Therapy can help people learn healthy ways of expressing their anger, avoiding many of these negative impacts.
If you’d like to speak with a therapist or couples counselor about the ways in which repressed anger is affecting your life, click here. Talk to someone who specializes in helping their clients work through feelings of anger that have been repressed and develop healthier, more effective ways to deal with those emotions. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
What Is Repressed Anger?
Repressed anger is anger that is unintentionally avoided, often as an attempt to avoid uncomfortable feelings related to stress, conflict, and tension. Repressed anger is different from suppressed anger, which refers to the feelings people purposely avoid. People who struggle with repressed anger often say, “I never get angry!” because they are unaware of their anger.1
Anger is a universal emotion all humans experience, often in response to situations that are perceived as upsetting, stressful or unfair. There are different ways that people respond when they are angry, and different methods of expressing anger. Repression of anger is anger that is not expressed, usually because people subconsciously want to ignore it or avoid it, often out of fear or shame.1,2
Causes & Triggers of Repressed Anger
Repressed anger can occur for many reasons, but traumatic experiences in childhood trauma are the most common culprit.3 After experiencing trauma, many people feel confused, sad, or ashamed, and blame themselves for what happened, causing them to internalize anger about what happened to them.1 Cultural norms also factor into how people learn to express anger, with girls often learning it is unacceptable to express anger.2,4
In some cases, you might not have felt allowed to feel or talk about your anger as a child. For instance, if you grew up in a household that shamed or criticized emotional expression, you may have internalized the belief that it isn’t safe to talk about your feelings, causing you to repress emotions instead of express them.1,3,4 In another example, some people who grew up in a house with an abusive parent might associate anger with fear, danger, or damaged relationships.
However, it’s important to remember that there isn’t a single cause for this phenomenon, and many genetic and environmental factors also can contribute to how people express and process emotions.
Some of the most common causes and triggers of repressed anger include:1,3,4
- Being rejected for expressing anger in the past
- Having perfectionistic or neurotic tendencies
- Struggling with a mental health condition like depression, anxiety, or PTSD
- Using mood-altering substances like drugs or alcohol
- Experiencing chronic trauma
- Certain medical conditions like traumatic brain injuries
- Having the tendency to intellectualize your emotions
- Wanting to please others
- Having limited emotional intelligence
- Having a position of authority that requires a stoic, neutral personality
- Having high levels of shame
- Struggling with impulse control and emotion regulation
Signs of Repressed Anger
Repressed anger can manifest in many ways, causing subtle changes to the way people feel, think, and behave. Some people don’t notice these changes until their anger reaches extreme levels or until they lash out at someone. Many people who repress anger describe missing early anger cues like noticing their heart rate increase, their blood pressure go up, or noticing they are tense, restless, or on-edge.
People who repress anger often become defensive when they are accused of being angry, and don’t want to admit when they are frustrated, even when it is very clear to other people. This defensiveness makes it harder for them to accept and recognize their anger, making them more likely to minimize, ignore or deny it.
Other signs of repressed anger include:1,2
- Never feeling angry, but often feeling sad or depressed
- Overuse of sarcasm or cynicism
- Being uncomfortable with conflict or confrontation
- Overusing distraction or avoidance to cope with difficult emotions
- Becoming defensive when accused of being angry
- Feeling the need to control many things in your life
- Experiencing chronic muscle tension or headaches
- Feeling uncomfortable when others share intimate emotions with you
- Being passive-aggressive when you interact with others<
- Having difficulty setting boundaries, standing up for yourself or saying no
- Shutting down, avoiding people or isolating yourself when upset
- Becoming explosive when you do find yourself angry
- Complaining often when things don’t go your way
- High levels of chronic stress or anxiety
- Frequent negative or self-critical thoughts
- Feeling bitter, envious or resentful of others
- Ignoring things that bother or upset you rather than addressing them
- Holding grudges and ruminating on things that upset you
- Feeling guilty, ashamed or bad when you are angry
Negative Effects of Repressed Anger
When anger is repressed, it can build up, causing many negative effects on a person’s physical and mental health, as well as their overall quality of life and ability to function. Anger itself isn’t harmful or bad, but without any outlet or way to express it, people often aren’t able to just “let go” of it, especially if the trigger is something they encounter often.
Some of the harmful effects of repressed anger include:1,2,3
- High blood pressure
- Chronic stress
- Heart problems
- Insomnia
- Higher risk for chronic illnesses
- Lowered self-esteem
- Anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions
- Higher risk for addictions
- Impulsivity and self-destructive behaviors
- Less open and honest communication
- Poorer relationships
- Difficulty concentrating
- Impaired work performance
- Numbness or apathy
8 Ways To Deal With Repressed Anger
There are many healthy ways to express anger that allow you to work through your emotions in the moment, rather than repress them and let them build up. These skills can help people become more assertive, or able to state how they feel, what they think, and what they need, in appropriate ways. Assertive communication provides a way of expressing anger that still protects relationships and roles that are important to people. In addition to being more assertive, people who repress anger can also become more self-aware and also develop healthy outlets for stress and anger.
Here are eight strategies for dealing with repressed anger:
1. Understand Where Your Anger Is Coming From
Like other emotions, anger is usually a reaction to something that is happening in yourself or in your life, and is often an indicator that there is a problem you need to address. In this way, anger can provide you with important data about what’s happening inside, and about what you want, need and care about.
Work to better understand your anger by thinking about times in the recent past when you have become angry, and by asking yourself the following questions:
- How did you know you were angry—what changed about your thoughts, feelings, actions, and bodily sensations?
- What do you think triggered your anger in that situation?
- What about that situation upset or angered you?
- Why did that bother you so much?
- What was your anger trying to tell you about what you wanted, needed or cared about?
2. Track Anger in Your Body
Becoming more aware of your anger can help you identify some of the early anger cues you might have missed in the past. A growing body of evidence suggests that we store emotions in our bodies, which is often where people notice early signs of anger.5 In stressful situations, “tune in” to your body and pay attention to what sensations, tension and changes you notice.
Some of the more common ways that anger shows up in the body include:
- Chest tightness
- Muscle soreness
- Fatigue
- Increased heartbeat
- Upset stomach
- Dizziness
- Headache or migraine
- Weak limbs
- Increased blood pressure
- Muscle tension
By increasing your insight into these responses, you can better track your emotions. You can also understand potential triggers, which may help you recognize when you’re feeling angry. The earlier you notice your anger, the easier it is to process through the emotion.
3. Start Journaling
Journaling can help you become more attuned to your thoughts and feelings. It’s also a great exercise for emotional expression, and one you can do almost anywhere. People who repress emotions usually struggle to be aware of their inner thoughts and feelings, and journaling helps to foster self-awareness. Research also shows that journaling can improve your overall well-being and decrease depression and anxiety symptoms, which are common in people who repress anger.3,6
To make this habit successful, it’s crucial to establish a routine. Try to journal around the same time each day, and make sure to journal about your emotions. Some people benefit from having prompts to help them when they begin journaling, while others prefer a less structured approach. Whichever is right for you, make sure to not overthink what you write, and practice just writing what comes to you.
4. Interrupt Angry Thoughts
Even if you struggle to identify anger, you might readily identify negative thoughts that feed into feelings of anger. For example, you might think that you’re stupid, worthless, or unlovable when you make a mistake, or you may beat yourself up over it. You might unconsciously do the same to others, noting all of the things another person is doing that upset you.
Thoughts have a significant impact on emotions. The more you repeat these kinds of negative thoughts in your mind, the angrier and more upset you will become. The next time you notice yourself in a downward spiral, try to catch yourself and imagine pressing “pause” in your mind. Bring your full attention to what you can see, hear, or feel right now. The more focused you are on the present, the less you will be able to ruminate on thoughts that feed into anger and other difficult emotions.
5. Find a Physical Outlet for Your Anger
Anger is a high-energy emotion that can be stored in the body, so learning how to use your body to release the anger can help you regulate your emotions. Exercise and being physically active all help to release stress hormones and balance the chemistry in your brain, helping you feel calmer and more relaxed.
Some physical outlets that can help with repressed anger include:
- Sports
- Doing pushups or sit ups
- Lifting weights
- Cardiovascular workouts like running, biking or jogging
6. Practice Meditation
Meditating is a practice that involves using mindfulness to become more present and aware of the here-and-now. Mindfulness is practiced by putting your full attention to some aspect of your present experience. This might include your breath, sensations in your body, your surroundings, or becoming fully immersed in what you are doing.
Mindfulness and meditation help reduce stress, promote relaxation, and boost mood, and can also help you quiet some your racing thoughts. Mindful people have higher cognitive performance, improved empathy levels and make better decisions, even when they are angry or upset.7
Many people believe they need to commit to a perfect meditation practice, but mindfulness can be practiced in many ways that don’t interrupt your routine. To begin, simply close your eyes, rest one hand on top of your belly, and take a deep breath. Inhale for five counts and then release. Repeat this process for as long as you can. If thoughts arise (and they probably will), try not to judge them. Instead, acknowledge them for passing through.
7. Use I-Statements
Repressed anger can sometimes come out via passive or passive-aggressive communication, but I-statements help you communicate assertively. I-statements help you express your needs, even when you are upset. Unlike being aggressive, an I-statement protects the feelings of other people, allowing you to express yourself without being disrespectful.
I-statements require taking ownership of your reactions. The formula is simple- when interacting with someone, use the script, I feel ____ when you ____ and I would like _______. This method allows you to communicate how you feel and what you would like for the other person to do differently. Unlike a “YOU” statement, I-statements diffuse blame. Instead of attacking the other person (which often results in them becoming defensive), you’re offering them a reasonable opportunity to respond.8
8. Feel Your Feelings
Most people who repress emotions like anger escape using alcohol, food, video games, or shopping, or other distractions. Commit to feeling all of your feelings, and cutting back on distractions and escape methods. While some emotions are uncomfortable, being willing to feel them can provide numerous benefits. First, if you’re unable to give up the vice, this could be a telling sign of an underlying compulsion or addiction. Second, you develop more confidence in your ability to experience your emotions rather than avoid them. The more confident you are that you can cope with difficult emotions like anger, the less control it has over you, and the less you will feel the need to repress it.
Treatment for Repressed Anger
Awareness is the first step in the process of making any positive change. Once you identify that you struggle with repressed anger, reaching out for professional support from a counselor can help you unpack this complex emotion, learn healthier ways to cope, and become more confident in your ability to express anger in ways that aren’t destructive.
Therapy Options
Those who are seeking help for repressed anger often benefit from the following types of therapy:
- Individual therapy: Individual sessions with a licensed counselor can help you become more self-aware, identify and address underlying causes of anger, and learn better ways of coping.
- Couples or family therapy: When anger is affecting personal or family relationships, couples or family counseling can help people learn more effective ways of communicating and repairing damaged relationships.
- Group therapy: Some people benefit from group therapy, especially group therapy that targets anger management. In group therapy, a licensed counselor teaches coping skills and people with similar issues can provide support to one another.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all method for treating repressed anger. Your unique circumstances, past treatment history, co-occurring issues, and personal preferences all play a role in your treatment plan. Additionally, you may benefit from a combination of approaches. You will collaborate with your therapist to discuss the recommended treatment for your care.
Lifestyle Changes
In addition to seeking therapy, implementing better self-care and making adjustments to your usual routine can improve symptoms of repressed anger. Self-care involves activities, skills, and supports that help people reduce stress and meet their emotional needs. This includes meeting your basic needs like eating well and getting 7-9 hours of sleep each night, as well as making a point to take breaks and develop more work-life balance. Also, remember to stay connected to people who care about you that you feel you can open up to and rely on for emotional support.
When To Get Professional Help For Repressed Anger
When repressed anger begins to negatively impact your physical or mental health, your relationships, or your quality of life, getting professional help is recommended. If repressed anger is making it difficult for you to function, meet expectations and fulfill your responsibilities, this is another sign that professional help is needed.
It’s important to remember that you many benefit from counseling, even if you don’t “need” it, so don’t wait until things get really bad before seeking help for your anger. Doing so may be detrimental to your physical and mental health, but getting help early can often prevent these negative impacts.
How To Find A Therapist
Finding the right therapist is crucial when treating your repressed anger. Ideally, you want to work with someone specializing in trauma or anger management (the two issues are closely connected). A good place to start your search is by using an online directory.
Therapy is an intimate relationship, and you should feel safe with your therapist. It’s okay if you need to meet with a few professionals before you find the right fit, and many will offer free consultations to help people make this decision.
Final Thoughts on Repressed Anger
Repressed anger is anger that people push down, ignore, or avoid, and is often unconscious. Working to become more aware and attuned to emotions has many benefits, and is associated with being happier, healthier, and having a better overall quality of life. With the help of a therapist, people can learn healthier methods of expressing their anger which feel a lot better than repressing it.
Additional Resources
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
