How to Recover From an Emotional Affair: 11 Tips for Success

What Is an Emotional Affair?

An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship between two people that often mimics the emotional intimacy, closeness, and trust of a romantic relationship. These often start out as a friendship. However, whether a relationship remains simply a friendship or becomes an emotional affair depends on the degree of secrecy that surrounds it.¹

Over time, boundaries begin to blur and change. Both people increasingly share more personal and intimate details about their lives, and invest more energy into the relationship–and to one another. The affair creates emotional unavailability in the person having the affair, ultimately affecting the quality of the relationship with their partner.

An emotional affair can include sexting, texting, and micro-cheating. A person may even use their social media to easily connect and meet people.

Three main components of emotional affairs include:

• Emotional intimacy: where two people share personal information about their partners.
• Secrecy: a level of secrecy that keeps the couple bonded and intensifies as time goes on.
• Sexual intimacy: this is the essence of forbidden sex, or the continuation of emotional attachment without physical intimacy, but the desire for such is increased by this very aspect.¹

Signs of an Emotional Affair

There are several signs of an emotional affair that can be damaging to the relationship. Indications your partner is emotionally cheating may include an increased distance in the relationship, more time on their phone/devices, lapses in communication, and periods of unexplained time away.

Signs of an emotional affair may include:

• They are more protective of their devices
• They spend less time with you and more outside of the relationship, making you feel less important
• They seem preoccupied. They are not present in the relationship, and when you question them, they often become defensive.
• They cannot be reached as often as they used to be, and provide excuses that don’t add up
• They feel withdrawn and distant, and you ‘feel’ this in the relationship
• They change their schedule. They might work late or get up earlier in the morning.
• You are beginning to have more questions than answers

11 Tips for Recovering From an Emotional Affair

Despite the trauma that many people experience once they discover their partner is engaging in an emotional affair, there are several things you can do to promote recovery from an emotional affair and help feel more in control of the situation, regardless of the direction you decide to take.

For example, creating deeper conversations that encourage both personal and interpersonal work, learning how to rebuild trust in the relationship, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care are just a few things that will help start the recovery process. We’ve included a self-care inventory worksheet below the tips to help you recognize the different types of self-care available to you, identify what you are doing well, and pinpoint areas where you can improve to feel better overall.

Here are 11 tips for people recovering from an emotional affair:

1. Accept What’s in an Affair

Affairs don’t have to be sexual to be considered infidelity. It’s important to accept that an emotional affair is simply that–an affair. By recognizing this, the couple can start the process of moving forward. For the person who has betrayed their partner by emotionally cheating on them, this is key to the relationship recovery.

2. Lead With Honesty

Leading with honesty is a two-way street. Honesty creates more transparency and helps rebuild trust. You will need to share the pain you are experiencing with your partner, and they may not want to hear it. And, there will be things they will share that hurt. However, honesty will get you both to a better and different place.

3. Have the Conversations

When dealing with an emotional affair, the conversation is never just ‘one and done.’ There will be several. It will take time, patience, and healthy communication skills. There are many ways to communicate in a relationship that help each partner share how they are feeling in productive ways. Conversations should also address the reason(s) behind the flirting, set healthy boundaries, and build a safer space.

4. Commit to Working on Things Together

The commitment by both people needs to be 100%. This means talking about the reasons for the affair; what changes need to be made; how you will both remain committed to yourself and each other through this process; and rebuild the trust. The commitment should be a process agreed upon. It is not uncommon for the person who cheated to want to sweep the affair under the rug and quickly move on. Expect this. However, this just causes more problems.

5. Assess the Relationship

Assessing the relationship means thinking about what issues need to be addressed and whether they can be salvageable. You might want to take a break from the relationship to figure out your next steps. Importance is placed on taking a step back and thinking about what is best at this time.

6. Reconnect With Your Partner

This may take time. But, it is important to work on reconnecting and spending time together–and not always focus on the affair. It’s a good opportunity to share the positive memories to enhance closeness.

7. Process Your Emotions

Recovering from an emotional affair will bring up a mixture of emotions like sadness, anger, disappointment, and fear. However, even though processing these emotions is challenging, it is necessary for growth and insight.

The disadvantage of not processing your emotions is that they will stay bottled up and cause other problems, such as an increase in depression and anxiety. Your emotions will continue to fester and build up in unhealthy ways. Learn how to grieve the loss of your relationship as it once was, and focus on rebuilding a new one.

8. Rebuild Trust

Learning to trust your partner again after an affair is extremely challenging. The process is often slow and painstaking. Beginning the process of restoring trust is more an action than a belief. It’s about what your partner does, rather than what they say.³

A person can make all the promises they want–but if there is no follow through, the couple remains stuck. The cliché rings true, ‘actions speak louder than words.’

If you and your partner are interested in staying together, then it will be necessary to take the steps to rebuild trust. This should be a focus, as having trust in your partner is the foundation of any stable relationship. You should start to do this sooner rather than later. Engage in healthy conversations that allow both people to talk about their feelings.

9. Set New Boundaries

Boundaries should be communicated to each partner and honored. These may include the partner cutting off ties with the person who they had an emotional affair with. Often, the person who had the affair wants intimacy to ‘just start’ again. It doesn’t happen this way. Try to set boundaries regarding this, as well as revolving phone and computer usage.

10. Give Each Other Space

Couples grow and thrive when they have space to do so, especially during challenging times. Relationship issues need room to breathe. Couples should distance themselves at times, so they can gain a different perspective. Space also helps couples think about the changes that need to take place for the relationship to recover.

11. Practice Self-Care

Taking the steps to practice self-care is very important during this time of recovery, because it allows you to focus on yourself and what you need at this time. It also provides distance from processing the emotional affair. Self-care can include journaling, getting outside, talking to friends, reading, or anything that brings you joy and makes you feel better.

Self-Care Inventory Worksheet

Take an inventory of self-care activities you do well, explore new self-care activities and find potential opportunities to feel better.

Download Free Worksheet

Can Marriage Survive an Emotional Affair?

Emotional affairs can take a significant toll on the relationship and those involved. Infidelity in all its forms, has been shown to be the number one reason couples break up, ending in divorce and separation.⁵ They are notoriously difficult to recover from, however, it is not impossible.⁴ If both parties are willing to put in genuine effort, the relationship can be repaired and sometimes the repaired relationship can be stronger than before.

In order for the relationship to survive, there will need to be a lot of open and honest communication to discover and explore the underlying issues that lead to the infidelity. A safe space will need to be created and held for this deep work to be done allowing each person to be vulnerable in expressing their emotions and needs. This involves hearing out each other’s perspectives and experiences, allowing each partner to work through the hurt.

How Therapy Can Help You Recover From an Emotional Affair

Some couples will try and work through an emotional affair on their own to no avail. So, if you find yourself in this situation, it might be time to work with a trained marriage or couples therapist.

A couples therapist provides a safe platform where both people can be heard and share their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. They provide strategies and coping skills to create healthier communication and hold each person accountable. They also help the couple discuss the relationship issues affecting the partnership, the impact of the emotional affair, and ways to recover.

Fortunately, many therapists offer telehealth options in addition to in-person sessions. Online couples therapy offers sessions that take place in the comfort of your own home. You don’t have to worry about commuting to your therapist’s office, thus saving you time, energy, and stress. If you have insurance, Talkspace is a great option, while Regain Couples Therapy is an affordable option for those without insurance.