An emotional affair is an affair of the heart. When a person’s heart is broken, it takes time for them to recover, mend, and learn how to move forward. Recovery is not a simple process. It takes time, effort, intention, and honesty–it doesn’t happen overnight. Although there is no ‘one’ way to recover and move on, there are several things you can do to start the recovery process.
Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you.
BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week. Take a Free Online Assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
What Is an Emotional Affair?
An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship between two people that often mimics the emotional intimacy, closeness, and trust of a romantic relationship. These often start out as a friendship. However, whether a relationship remains simply a friendship or becomes an emotional affair depends on the degree of secrecy that surrounds it.1
Over time, boundaries begin to blur and change. Both people increasingly share more personal and intimate details about their lives, and invest more energy into the relationship–and to one another. The affair creates emotional unavailability in the person having the affair, ultimately affecting the quality of the relationship with their partner.
An emotional affair can include sexting, texting, and micro-cheating. A person may even use their social media to easily connect and meet people.
Three main components of emotional affairs include:
- Emotional intimacy: where two people share personal information about their partners.
- Secrecy: a level of secrecy that keeps the couple bonded and intensifies as time goes on.
- Sexual intimacy: this is the essence of forbidden sex, or the continuation of emotional attachment without physical intimacy, but the desire for such is increased by this very aspect.1
How Long Do Emotional Affairs Last?
Emotional affairs can last from a few months to a year, or much longer. If both parties want to continue the affair, it can go on indefinitely.2
The duration of the emotional affair depends on how it began. If the affair was with a co-worker or a friend of the family, it can be shrouded in secrecy for a long time. The longer an emotional affair continues, the greater damage it can cause to a relationship. Emotional affairs rarely end in a ‘happily ever after’ and cause a lot of pain and distress.
Signs of an Emotional Affair
There are several signs of an emotional affair that can be damaging to the relationship. Indications of an emotional affair may include an increased distance in the relationship, more time on their phone/devices, lapses in communication, and periods of unexplained time away.
Signs of an emotional affair may include:
- They are more protective of their devices.
- They spend less time with you and more outside of the relationship, making you feel less important.
- They seem preoccupied. They are not present in the relationship, and when you question them, they often become defensive.
- They cannot be reached as often as they used to be, and provide excuses that don’t add up.
- They feel withdrawn and distant, and you ‘feel’ this in the relationship.
- They change their schedule. They might work late or get up earlier in the morning.
- You are beginning to have more questions than answers.
11 Tips for Recovering from an Emotional Affair
Despite the trauma that many people experience once they discover their partner is engaging in an emotional affair, there are several things you can do to help feel more in control of the situation and hopeful, regardless of the direction you decide to take.
For example, creating deeper conversations that encourage both personal and interpersonal work, learning how to rebuild trust, and setting healthy boundaries are just a few things that will help start the recovery process.
Here are 11 tips for people recovering from an emotional affair:
1. Accept What’s in an Affair
Affairs don’t have to be sexual to be considered infidelity. It’s important to accept that an emotional affair is simply that–an affair. By recognizing this, the couple can start the process of moving forward. For the person who has betrayed their partner, this is key to the relationship recovery.
2. Lead With Honesty
Leading with honesty is a two-way street. Honesty creates more transparency and helps rebuild trust. You will need to share the pain you are experiencing with your partner, and they may not want to hear it. And, there will be things they will share that hurt. However, honesty will get you both to a better and different place.
3. Have the Conversation
When dealing with an emotional affair, the conversation is never just ‘one and done.’ There will be several. It will take time, patience, and healthy communication skills. There are many ways to communicate in a relationship that help each partner share how they are feeling in productive ways. Conversations should also address the reason(s) behind the flirting, set healthy boundaries, and build a safer space.
4. Commit to Working on Things Together
The commitment by both people needs to be 100%. This means talking about the reasons for the affair; what changes need to be made; how you will both remain committed to yourself and each other through this process; and rebuild the trust. The commitment should be a process agreed upon. It is not uncommon for the person who cheated to want to sweep the affair under the rug and quickly move on. Expect this. However, this just causes more problems.
Recovering From Infidelity Or A Betrayal Of Trust
Individual Therapy – Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp
Couples & Marriage Counseling – Talkspace offers you and your partner the support and structure you need. It’s private, convenient, and affordable. Learn More
OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started
5. Assess the Relationship
Assessing the relationship means thinking about what issues need to be addressed and whether they can be salvageable. You might want to take a break from the relationship to figure out your next steps. Importance is placed on taking a step back and thinking about what is best at this time.
6. Practice Self-Care
Taking the steps to practice self-care is very important during this time of recovery, because it allows you to focus on yourself and what you need at this time. It also provides distance from processing the emotional affair. Self-care can include journaling, getting outside, talking to friends, reading, or anything that brings you joy and makes you feel better.
7. Process Your Emotions
Recovery from an affair will bring up a mixture of emotions like sadness, anger, disappointment, and fear. However, even though processing these emotions is challenging, it is necessary for growth and insight.
The disadvantage of not processing your emotions is that they will stay bottled up and cause other problems, such as an increase in depression and anxiety. Your emotions will continue to fester and build up in unhealthy ways. Learn how to grieve the loss of your relationship as it once was, and focus on rebuilding a new one.
8. Rebuild Trust
Learning to trust your partner again after an affair is extremely challenging. The process is often slow and painstaking. Beginning the process of restoring trust is more an action than a belief. It’s about what your partner does, rather than what they say.3
A person can make all the promises they want–but if there is no follow through, the couple remains stuck. The cliché rings true, ‘actions speak louder than words.’
If you and your partner are interested in staying together, then it will be necessary to take the steps to rebuild trust in your relationship. This should be a focus, as having trust in your partner is the foundation of any stable relationship. You should start to do this sooner rather than later. Engage in healthy conversations that allow both people to talk about their feelings.
9. Set New Boundaries
Boundaries should be communicated to each partner and honored. These may include the partner cutting off ties with the person who they had an affair with. Often, the person who had the affair wants intimacy to ‘just start’ again. It doesn’t happen this way. Try to set boundaries regarding this, as well as revolving phone and computer usage.
10. Give Each Other Space
Couples grow and thrive when they have space to do so, especially during challenging times. Relationship issues need room to breathe. Couples should distance themselves at times, so they can gain a different perspective. Space also helps couples think about the changes that need to take place for the relationship to recover.
11. Reconnect With Your Partner
This may take time. But, it is important to work on reconnecting and spending time together–and not always focus on the affair. It’s a good opportunity to share the positive memories to enhance closeness.
How Therapy Can Help with Emotional Affair Recovery
Some couples will try and work through an emotional affair on their own to no avail. So, if you find yourself in this situation, it might be time to work with a trained marriage or couples therapist.
A couples therapist provides a safe platform where both people can be heard and share their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. They provide strategies and coping skills to create healthier communication and hold each person accountable. They also help the couple discuss the relationship issues affecting the partnership, the impact of the emotional affair, and ways to recover.
However, if couples therapy isn’t working or you want to focus more on your own issues, individual psychotherapy can help you address specific issues that you are struggling with; make changes; and figure out if you should stay or leave the relationship.
Fortunately, many therapists offer telehealth options in addition to in-person sessions. The easiest way to look for a therapist is on an online directory. An advantage of online therapy is that sessions take place in the comfort of your own home. You don’t have to worry about commuting to your therapist’s office, thus saving you time, energy, and stress.
Final Thoughts
It is possible to recover from an emotional affair if both people are invested in the process. Working with a professional can help both partners heal, learn how to create greater transparency, and rebuild trust. It is also important to remember that overcoming the challenges inherent in an emotional affair takes time, patience, intention, and a willingness to see beyond the emotional affair.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Whether you’re feeling uneasy in your relationship, trying to rebuild trust, or working on forgiveness – a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp will ask you about the things you want to work on and what you’re looking for in a therapist. Visit BetterHelp
Talkspace (Counseling For Overcoming Adultery) – Talkspace offers you and your partner the support and structure you need. It’s private, convenient, and affordable. Get Started
OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started
Relationship Newsletter (Free From Choosing Therapy) – A newsletter for those interested in improving relationships. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up
For Further Reading
- Hysterical Bonding: What It Is & How to Overcome It
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- How to Forgive and Recover From Infidelity: Proven Tips to Help Rebuild Your Relationship After Heartbreaking Cheating and Deception
- Recovering From The Affair: Your Guide To Saving Your Marriage After Emotional Or Physical Infidelity
Best Online Marriage & Couples Therapy Options
Marriage and couples therapy can be helpful and a worthwhile investment for couples who want to seek help with their relationship. Which online platform will work best for you will depend on what issues you want to work on, what your goals are for your relationship, the cost, and if it’s available in your state.
OurRelationship - Free Relationship Course
- Communication problems / too many arguments
- Emotional distance or lack of love
- Lack of trust or infidelity/cheating
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