Is it Normal for My Girlfriend to Hit Me? Answers & How to Cope From a Therapist

Is it Normal for My Girlfriend to Hit Me?

Your girlfriend hitting you in a non-consensual manner is neither normal nor healthy. Physical violence, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator, is a sign of a toxic relationship. Hitting shows underdeveloped emotional maturity and an inability to communicate healthily. Female-perpetrated domestic violence is less common than male-perpetrated domestic violence, but it does happen and has just as severe consequences, including homicide.²

Many underlying factors can lead to a girlfriend hitting her partner. Research shows that women who had experienced psychological or emotional abuse from their partners were likelier to hit their partner.³ Other potential causes include childhood abuse, personality disorders, control issues, or difficulty regulating emotion.

Is it Okay If My Girlfriend Hits Me?

Whether your girlfriend hitting you is ok depends on whether consent is given. Hitting may not be a concern if partners are playing around and having fun. However, open communication and respecting each other’s limits and boundaries are critical. Playful hitting becomes abuse when one partner does not respect the other’s wishes and continues after the other becomes uncomfortable.

The severity of abuse from a female partner is usually minor, and the risk of serious injury is low. However, there is always a risk of things escalating, especially if the hitting includes the use of weapons. It is important to remember that even when the physical damage is minor, hitting still causes damage to the relationship.⁴

Why Does My Girlfriend Hit Me?

Some factors that can lead to a girlfriend hitting include a history of childhood or relationship abuse, mental health or substance use concerns, or problems with anger or emotional regulation. In cases where the girlfriend is also being abused, the partner plays a role in the violence. However, even if the partner says or does something triggering, hitting is never a healthy response.⁵

Here are ten reasons why your girlfriend may hit you:

1. She Had an Abusive Parent

A girlfriend hitting could be a sign of parental abuse. Research shows that childhood abuse from parents is a significant risk factor for hitting and other forms of violence later on. Children learn from what they see and how they are treated, providing the model for future relationships. Witnessing one parent abusing the other could also result in hitting.

2. She Has Been a Victim of Intimate Partner Violence

Women who have been victims of intimate partner violence in relationships are more likely to perpetuate violence in the future. Your girlfriend hitting you may be a sign that she has been a domestic violence victim, whether with you or a previous partner. Healing from past abuse is key to stopping the cycle of violence.⁶

3. She Struggles With Anger Management

A girlfriend hitting may be a sign that she has anger-management issues. She may bottle up her emotions until they explode, or she may not have the tools to process anger and work through it constructively. Not being able to deal with feelings of anger and express them in a healthy way could contribute to acting out through hitting.

4. She Has Control Issues

A girlfriend with control issues may use hitting to intimidate, overpower or control her partner. By hitting, she makes her partner feel powerless, leading her to feel like she has the upper hand. A person who uses violence as a way to control others is unhealthy and requires professional help.

5. She Has an Antisocial Personality Disorder

Antisocial personality disorder may increase the likelihood of a girlfriend hitting. People with this disorder violate others and disregard their rights and needs. This disorder is rare in general and even more rare in women. If a girlfriend is hitting due to antisocial personality disorder, she is unlikely to stop because she has no concern for the pain or distress it causes.

6. Hitting Gets Her What She Wants

Hitting may be a way for a girlfriend to get her way and get what she wants. She may need more communication skills or be able to articulate her needs clearly. Without any healthy tools for getting her needs met, she may lash out and resort to hitting when she doesn’t get her way.

7. She Has Problems With Emotional Regulation

Another reason a girlfriend may hit is that she is flooded with emotion and unable to regulate her nervous system. When a person is dysregulated, they go into -fight-or-flight mode. The body is flooded with stress hormones and adrenaline. In this state, instincts kick in, and the rational, decision part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, is offline.

8. She is Being Abused in the Relationship

Sometimes, a girlfriend hits because she is emotionally or mentally abused in the relationship. If there is any possibility that this is the case, both partners need to be aware of their part in the violence and get professional help. Both partners must be committed to healing the relationship and breaking the cycle of abuse.⁷

9. She Has a Problem With Substance Abuse

Substance abuse is a risk factor in female-led domestic abuse. If your girlfriend is hitting you, it is possible that she is struggling with alcoholism or another substance use disorder.

10. She Is Struggling With Her Mental Health

Mental health concerns can affect the ability to regulate the nervous system or emotions, resulting in irrational or delusional thoughts or behaviors. Some diagnoses even lead to seeing or hearing things that influence behavior. Some mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, or psychosis could result in hitting. If you suspect a mental health concern is at play, encourage your girlfriend to seek help.

What to Do If My Girlfriend is Hitting Me?

If your girlfriend is hitting you, reacting consciously and carefully can help to de-escalate the situation. Some things you can do are to remain calm, step away from the situation and encourage her to get help. It is not helpful to hit back.

Here are some things to do if your girlfriend is hitting you:

Step Away

When things get heated, stepping away and taking a break can be a helpful way to allow things to de-escalate. Tell your girlfriend that you are going to take a break, and you will talk to her when things are calmer. Take the time to take a walk, clear your head or talk to a trusted support person.

Talk to Your Support System

Having a support system you can talk to and trust is vital for coping with any stressful situation. In a case like this, it’s important to have someone to talk to who you trust to listen rather than jumping to try to give advice or fix it. You may also want to avoid confiding in people who will create drama or gossip, which can worsen the situation.

Don’t Hit Back

Resist the urge to hit back or respond with any other physical violence. Hitting back just escalates the situation and continues a cycle of violence. Instead, take a break and leave the situation. Contact law enforcement if you cannot get away from the situation and are concerned for your safety.

Start Therapy

One way to take care of yourself and start to move forward from the effects of your girlfriend hitting you is to start therapy. A therapist can help you increase your low self-esteem, heal from the emotional effects of the relationship and develop healthy relationship patterns for moving forward.

Respond Calmly

If your girlfriend is hitting you, try your best to respond in a calm manner. Calmly tell her that you are going to leave the situation and then do so. Becoming escalated yourself, yelling or hitting back can fuel the situation and make things worse.

Reflect on Whether You Play a Role in This

Not everyone has a part in things when their girlfriend hits them, and it is certainly not the victim’s fault when they are abused. However, it’s worth looking at whether you may have a part in an abusive cycle. Are you possibly perpetrating emotional or mental abuse without even realizing it? Are you becoming involved in physical abuse as well?

Offer Help in Times Of Calm

If your girlfriend is hitting from a place of relationship ptsd, trauma history, mental illness, or substance use, she may need help. Offer to help her find resources or accompany her to an assessment if you are open to it. She may not be responsive to offers of help during escalated situations, so talk to her when she is open to talking.

Encourage Her to Go to Therapy

Therapy can be beneficial in certain circumstances where hitting is involved. Encourage your girlfriend to schedule with an individual or group therapist and follow through. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and internal family systems (IFS) are all helpful therapy forms for emotionally dysregulated people.

Consider Leaving the Relationship

This may not be easy to hear, but there are some cases when leaving the relationship is the healthiest and safest choice. If your girlfriend hits you due to a personality disorder or a desire to control, threaten or harm you, this is not likely to change. You deserve to be happy and treated with love and respect. If you’ve tried to set limits with your girlfriend, respond to her calmly and leave the situation. If she becomes more escalated and doesn’t allow you to leave, it may be time to consider ending the relationship.

Create a Safety Plan

If your girlfriend is not respecting your attempts to stop her from hitting, if she has a weapon, or is threatening to kill you or herself, it’s time to put a safety plan in place. A safety plan is a plan for what you will do if you feel that the situation has become unstable or unsafe. Have the # for the local domestic abuse hotline and emergency #s on hand.

Should I Give My Girlfriend a Second Chance?

Whether or not to give a second chance depends on several factors unique to each relationship. If the hitting is a result of unresolved trauma or another mental health concern, there is a good possibility that getting help for that issue could stop the behavior. If there is something that both partners are participating in the cycle, getting therapy for yourself can help too.

It is possible for a relationship to become healthy again and to regain emotional intimacy after hitting is involved. However, there are some exceptions. If the hitting partner has a personality disorder that causes her not to care if she causes harm or if the hitting is an attempt to manipulate, control, or gain power, it may be time to leave a toxic relationship.

When to Seek Professional Support

If hitting is situational, couples counseling may be an appropriate way for couples to learn to communicate more effectively. Individual psychotherapy is appropriate if a history of abuse, underlying mental health issues, or other experiences are at play. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform can be a good choice for finding a therapist if finding one locally is difficult.

In My Experience

Hitting in a relationship is not healthy behavior. When I have treated couples with hitting or other forms of violence, this is not an easy cycle to break. I often see the hitting continue despite a desire to stop. However, every situation is different and depends on the issues contributing to the hitting.

If there is a history of abuse, it is possible that therapy can help a person heal and change behaviors. However, if hitting is based on a desire to control, harm, or disrespect, it may be time to go separate ways. Safety has to be a priority, and I encourage the partner being hit to make sure they have resources available.