Many factors can contribute to yelling in a marriage. In some cases, there is an apparent triggering factor. In other cases, it may seem to come out of nowhere. The context of the situation can explain who is responsible, although a broader examination of the relationship may be necessary to understand why the yelling is occurring.
Why Does My Wife Yell at Me?
Although yelling is usually unproductive, and at times unhealthy, yelling is an attempt at communication. However, the only thing yelling communicates is that your wife is angry. The tricky part is puzzling out what your wife is angry about, and whether you can help.
Even if it is possible to understand why the yelling has occurred, it can be challenging to shift how communication occurs in a marriage. Both partners have a responsibility to address the situation. However, this responsibility only extends as far as their ability to change allows. Ultimately, you can only control yourself, so there is a limit to what can be done.
Here are ten reasons why your wife may yell at you:
1. She Feels Like You Don’t Listen to Her
Your wife may be reacting out of a sense that her words fall on deaf ears. Even if you feel like you do listen to and respond to her, she may feel differently. Feelings are not truth, but in a healthy relationship, it is important to listen in a way that the other person feels heard. This is an opportunity for you to connect with her by listening to her in the way she needs.
2. You Hurt Her Feelings
You may have hurt your wife’s feelings, either in the conversation you’re having now or in a previous one. Hurt feelings can lead to yelling. Remember that hurt feelings do not justify the yelling but can explain it.
3. Her Parents Didn’t Model Healthy Communication
Your wife may yell because she is following the example set for her by her parents. This example set the expectation for her own relationships. While the relationship we have with a romantic partner is not destined to be the same as the relationships we saw modeled for us, we can often fall back on the style of communication we saw as children.
4. She Struggles With Her Mental Health
Your wife may yell at you due to the struggles she has with her mental health. Your wife may struggle with depression, making a person feel hopeless and irritable. Alternatively, your wife may also be prone to anxiety and panic attacks, which can increase the likelihood of yelling.
5. She Feels Like You Don’t Respect Her
Feeling respected by your partner is a core aspect of a healthy relationship. Your wife may yell because she feels disrespected. A common expression of feeling disrespected is anger. This anger is then communicated to you through yelling. While it can be difficult to listen when your wife is yelling, it is important to take this concern seriously. Prioritizing respect is crucial.
6. Yelling Gets Her What She Wants
If yelling is effective in getting her way, it can help explain why it continues to happen. If you consistently give in to your wife when she yells to stop the behavior, it likely drives the behavior even more. She may believe that yelling is the only way to get what she wants, so listening to her when she is not yelling is important to break the vicious cycle.
7. She Feels Overwhelmed
Your wife may yell at you because she feels overwhelmed at the moment. Many possible factors can contribute to the overwhelming feeling. She may think she is incapable of meeting the demands of her life or unsupported in her attempt to achieve personal success. This powerless feeling may result in yelling due to the distress she is experiencing.
8. She Has Other Stresses
Your wife may yell at you because she has other stresses going on in her life. The anger she expresses through her yelling may belong to those parts of her life. Unfortunately, we often take out our anger on the people we love because we feel safe showing them our worst sides. Try to de-escalate the conversation and then explore with your wife how she can reduce stress in other areas of her life.
9. Growing Distance in The Relationship
Your wife may yell at you because of a growing distance in the relationship. Yelling can be used as a maladaptive way to create contact in a relationship. Although yelling is a negative interaction, at least it is some form of interaction. If the increased distance is a pattern that has been developing for some time, the yelling may be an attempt to draw you back into the relationship.
10. Something Else Happened
A completely unknown factor may be behind the yelling. Knowing everything that frustrates your wife is impossible, and she may not even know why she is on edge. Sometimes we need to accept that the stressor will remain unknown. Needing to understand why your wife is yelling every time yelling occurs is unhealthy, and this desperation for control will hurt your relationship.
Is It Normal for My Wife to Yell at Me?
Conflict is a normal part of relationships. When there is conflict, it is similarly common for there to be yelling. Research has demonstrated that women are more likely to yell in intimate relationships than men.1 Although “normal” is difficult to define, it can have a similar meaning as workable. Yelling, then, is normal when it can be easily understood and addressed.
Although conflict is normal, the intensity of yelling is important to examine. There is likely little concern if you understand what your wife is saying and both of you can find a way to de-escalate the situation. If the yelling is endless and difficult to address in any meaningful way, it may be a sign of a toxic relationship.
When Does Yelling Become Abuse?
While yelling is not always abusive, it can be a component of emotional abuse.2 Research has shown that it is the most common abuse perpetrated by female partners.3 Warning signs of emotional abuse include feeling controlled by yelling, receiving constant criticism, a pattern of accusation and denial, and unreasonable expectations.2
When female partners are the perpetrators, the resulting abuse is not reported or noticed as much as male-perpetrated abuse.3 This is partly because female-perpetrated abuse is not typically as physically dangerous. In whatever form, abuse must be handled, and new patterns must emerge to replace abusive ones.
What to Do if My Wife Yells at Me?
If your wife is yelling at you, take a moment and listen. Take her seriously and try to respond to what she is saying as if she is not yelling at you. Doing so can de-escalate the conversation. Remember that you are not accepting the yelling as healthy by responding this way. You are simply doing your part to break the cycle of toxic communication.
Some things you can do if your wife yells at you include:
Practice Active Listening
Active listening is responding verbally and non-verbally to your wife when she is talking. If she is upset at you for something you know you did, look her in the eye and apologize for it. If she is upset about something you did not do, verbally align yourself with her emotional response by validating her.
Step Away to Cool Down
When your wife is yelling at you, it is natural to react emotionally to her. Rather than escalating the conversation, it is important to step away. This will allow you and your wife to cool down and revisit the conversation when you can communicate in a healthy manner.
Don’t Yell Back Reactively
Do what you can to lower your voice and address her more calmly than she is addressing you. The urge to yell back is a natural reaction; however, this will increase anger and frustration and create a cycle of unhealthy communication. Even if you have already yelled in this conversation, lowering your voice and de-escalating is never too late.
Be Kind to Yourself
It can be hard not to feel small and powerless when being yelled at. Remember that you are in a stressful situation and that it is okay to feel shaken by it. Try not to internalize what your wife is saying. Be kind to yourself by remembering your capabilities and strengths. Being kind to yourself is especially important when your wife is yelling about something you are already self-conscious about.
Don’t Give Up Your Side
A bad habit that can develop in these situations is to give up your point of view to get the yelling to stop. While that may work in the short term, the yelling will likely increase in the long term because you do not feel validated in the marriage, and your wife does not understand your actions. So remember that you have a side in this discussion, and having your voice heard is just as important as listening to your wife’s perspective.
Explain Your Intentions
A common reason why yelling occurs is because your wife does not understand your intentions. When she does not understand you, she is left to conclude why you act the way you are. Explain yourself so she can react to you instead of what she imagines your intentions. Remind her that you did not wake up today planning to ruin hers.
Consider Alternatives
There are many reasons that your wife may be upset today. Think about what those may be and take some pressure off of yourself. While it can be tempting to feel responsible for her feelings, remember that she has more going on in her life. She needs to learn to soothe herself rather than take that frustration out on you.
Take Her Seriously, Not Literally
It can be hard to listen when it seems your wife mischaracterizes you. Remember that even if what she is saying is not literally true that she is worth taking seriously. If she tells you that you did something that hurt her, and you know that you did not do that, recognize that her pain is real. That pain is worth soothing, even if you are not responsible for causing it.
Think The Best of Her
This is the woman you married. You loved her then, so do what you can to keep loving her now. As the marriage developed, you began to discover both the lovable parts of her and the less endearing parts, which are yelling at you now. Loving this part of her is harder, but remember that you want her to love those less lovable parts of you too.
Do Not Hurry
To try to get past the yelling, we may brush it aside. The justification is that we want to focus on the next steps or what can be done about it. However, the first step to addressing the situation is addressing her current emotional state. While this can be difficult, do not skip this step. It is important to validate your wife’s emotions before going into problem-solving mode.
Choose For Yourself
When the environment is calm, and you feel emotionally regulated, take a moment to plan. Focus on what you want to do if your wife yells at you. You may plan on taking a break or having a response in mind for what she is talking about. If you feel partially at fault, you may choose to do something kind for her, such as planning a weekend together or buying flowers.
How Does Yelling Impact a Marriage?
Yelling is a part of many relationships, and when it occurs, it is evidence of important conversations that need to happen. In a healthy marriage, those issues can be worked through over time, leading to decreased yelling. When yelling is part of emotional abuse, there can be deeply damaging results, including isolation and post-traumatic stress disorder.5
If children are involved, constant yelling will likely damage the parent-child relationship.4 These impacts on the family are not irreversible but are serious. These consequences will be present when yelling occurs in both an abusive and not abusive manner, although the severity of damage will differ. If the yelling is not addressed, that distance can be permanent.
When to Seek Professional Support
In a safe relationship, marriage counseling, either online or in-person, can help address the dynamics of yelling in a relationship.6 It can be helpful by introducing communication strategies in relationships and working to identify underlying factors for anger. An online therapy platform is a great place to find therapists specializing in relationship conflict.
If you are beginning to feel that your relationship is unhealthy, individual psychotherapy is a safe space to explore your worries and concerns. If you think immediately unsafe, call the national domestic violence hotline. Their number is 800-799-7233.
In My Experience
I frequently work with couples that are going through intense conflict. The questions posed in this article are relevant and valuable to consider. I believe you can repair the relationship and learn new skills together. Do first what you can to calm yourself. Take her seriously and respond to what she says. Remind her that she matters and you want to hear her.
My Wife Yells at Me Infographics
