Breadcrumbing is a slang term for sending out flirty or affectionate cues without a real intention for commitment. A person uses this manipulative and inconsistent behavior just enough to keep the other person attracted. When someone breadcrumbs you, you’re often left feeling confused, because their actions don’t quite meet their stated intentions.
What Is Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing (also known as “hansel and gretelling”) is a form of emotional abuse that someone uses to attract a potential or current partner. Someone who breadcrumbs generally enjoys the chase of a relationship more than the actual work entailed. These types of people are erratic and unpredictable, and will give you “just enough crumbs” to keep you feeling intrigued.1Breadcrumbing can occur in casual dating, but also within more serious commitments and marriages.
Breadcrumbing vs. Gaslighting
Breadcrumbing is a more sophisticated form of leading someone on. Someone who breadcrumbs wants to flirt and spend time with someone else, but struggles with commitment. They don’t necessarily know how to do the work required to maintain a healthy relationship.
Gaslighting is an intentional attempt to distort someone’s perception of an event or situation. For example, someone who gaslights may flat-out deny ever flirting with you once you show more interest. Or, they might insist that you knew they were in a serious relationship (even when you’re fairly certain they said they were single). That said, someone who breadcrumbs may also gaslight and vice versa.
Breadcrumbing vs. Poor Communication
Breadcrumbing is a type of poor communication, however, it’s also more indicative of emotional instability and poor attachment to others—and it is used to manipulate others. Someone who uses other forms of poor communication may not be able to articulate their needs well, and may rely on deceit or exaggeration to get close to others.
6 Signs of Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is relatively common, with one study showing that 30% of participants had experienced it at some time.2 Breadcrumbing can happen in multiple situations and in a number of ways. It can sometimes feel challenging to discern genuine interest from breadcrumbing behavior, especially because even genuine people can be sly or unpredictable when they flirt.
Below are six signs of breadcrumbing:
1. They Always Flirt, but It Never Goes Anywhere
Those who breadcrumb enjoy flirting with romantic interests, but this never goes any further than back-and-forth dialogue. Even if you’re waiting for them to ask you out, it doesn’t happen. And if they do suggest meeting up or going on a date, they never actually solidify those plans.
2. They Only Seem Interested in Sex
Some breadcrumbers are willing to spend time with you. However, the time is only to satisfy their needs, and that’s most evident when they’re chasing physical intimacy. You may feel like they only value you for sex–and that feeling may unfortunately be true.
3. They’re Consistently & Mysteriously Busy
The breadcrumber always has plans–or there’s always some kind of strange emergency they’re having to fix. Their packed schedule seemingly makes it impossible to spend time together. And while they apologize for their behavior, there isn’t a commitment to changing the situation.
4. They Are Always Vague
If you’re dealing with someone who breadcrumbs, you may spend a lot of time trying to figure out their intentions. At times, you may feel like you have to play detective when reading their texts. Or, you may seek reassurance from others.
5. They Send Mixed Messages
Breadcrumbers sometimes do present as extremely interested, and they may be seemingly upfront about their feelings from time to time. This can sound like, I’m really into you and want to have a relationship with you. But, their actions are different from their words. And, as you get closer, they tend to pull back or act as if what they said isn’t the truth.
6. They Become More Interested As You Withdraw
The breadcrumber often shows you the most attention as soon as you lose interest. That’s because they now have to work to get your attention, and it becomes a challenge once again. You may find yourself in a constant dance of pursuing and rejecting one another.
Why Do People Breadcrumb?
Some people aren’t intentionally malicious when they breadcrumb. Instead, they have emotional wounds that they project onto others. They may have hurt in other relationships (causing them to protect their egos), or they may be otherwise afraid of vulnerability.
Here are some reasons why people breadcrumb:
They Have Low Self-Esteem
Someone with low self-esteem may breadcrumb others to gain approval and validation. A person showing interest in them naturally feels good. Therefore, they pursue that feeling time and time again.
They’re Lonely
Breadcrumbing can offer a pseudo connection to someone else. The breadcrumber can enjoy closeness, which can be comforting and temporarily relieve loneliness. At the same time, they don’t have to be vulnerable with you. In a way, it can satisfy the best of both worlds for them.
They Don’t Like the Idea of Commitment
Commitment requires work. Unfortunately, breadcrumbing doesn’t. Breadcrumbing can feel like a fun game, particularly if someone is good at it. Breadcrumbers love getting some emotional closeness to others, and breadcrumbing offers that without other intimate sacrifices.
They Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
Someone may breadcrumb because they want a genuine relationship. But once the other person starts getting close to them, they withdraw. This pattern isn’t usually conscious, but someone with an avoidant attachment style engages in it because it feels familiar, and allows them to keep their defenses up.3
They Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Breadcrumbing can be a symptom of NPD, and it may coincide with emotional manipulation and narcissistic abuse. If you’re in a narcissistic relationship with someone, they may breadcrumb to cope with their own insecurities or to keep tabs on you.4 Furthermore, breadcrumbing can be a type of hoovering, even if you’re no longer with the other person.
They Have Relationship Trauma
Relationship trauma can impact how safe someone feels with a partner. Breadcrumbers often have experiences of being hurt by others. As a result, they feel more comfortable being the one who causes pain than the one who receives it. This pattern is usually in response to fear of interpersonal conflict, and it represents an act of self-preservation.5
Impacts of Breadcrumbing
When it’s mild, the impact of breadcrumbing is frustrating and confusing. In more serious forms, breadcrumbing can be downright devastating–especially if you really trusted the other person or fell for them emotionally.
Over time, breadcrumbing patterns can cause you to lower your standards or avoid dating altogether. You may assume that people will inherently disappoint you. This can cause excessive hypervigilance or neediness in relationships. Or, you may turn the behavior inward, exacerbating feelings of shame and self-loathing.
How to Respond to & Deal With Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing hurts. It’s normal to feel annoyed by your situation or worried that things won’t improve in the future. You may not be able to entirely stop breadcrumbing from happening, but you can take preventative steps to decrease the chance of it occurring repeatedly.
Below are some ways to deal with breadcrumbing:
- Be direct: If you assume someone might be breadcrumbing you, label the behavior and let them know how it affects you. Consider saying, I feel hurt when you stop talking to me all of a sudden without warning. I know you’re busy, but I don’t want to get involved with someone who’s flaky with their communication.
- Determine if you’re on the same page: Be honest about whether or not you want to be in a relationship. Discuss your values with the other person to see if they share similar beliefs.
- Decide what’s non-negotiable for you: You have a right to set boundaries in your relationships. Consider what behavior you don’t want to support, and make a genuine effort to stop enabling it.
- Seek support: If you’re unsure if you’re being breadcrumbed, consider talking about the issue with trusted loved ones. It’s important to stay open to feedback–even if you don’t necessarily like it!
- Practice self-compassion: Someone else’s behavior doesn’t dictate your worth. Remember that you didn’t cause someone to hurt you, and you are still worthy of love and goodness.
- Work on your self-esteem: If you have high self-esteem, you may be less likely to tolerate breadcrumbing behavior from others.
- Keep practicing emotional self-care: Emotional self-care is important, but it becomes even more important when you feel hurt or vulnerable. You can practice self-care by prioritizing rest, meaningful relationships, and activities that feel good to you.
- Don’t resort to it yourself: You may be tempted to breadcrumb as a revenge tactic, especially if you’re trying to give someone a taste of their own medicine. However, doing so only perpetuates your pain and keeps you tethered to that person.
How Therapy Can Help
Breadcrumbing can exacerbate feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and depression. You may feel lonely after it happens, but you might also find it hard to break free from the pattern (especially if you feel attracted to the other person).
One of the key benefits of therapy is recognizing patterns in your life–you may play more of a role in relationship dynamics than you realize! That doesn’t mean breadcrumbing is your fault. But, working with the right therapist can help you overcome any potential problems, and enjoy healthier relationships in the future. You can get started by using an extensive online therapist directory.
Here are some therapy options to consider:
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT can be helpful for recognizing the relationship between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For example, you may realize how your low self-esteem contributes to you dating people who disrespect you.
- Eye movement desensitization reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR helps people resolve traumatic memories. If you have trauma, you may be reenacting certain parts of your past in your intimate relationships.
- Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy focuses on both past and present interpersonal interactions. By becoming more conscious of the unconscious, you can change how you respond to others.
- Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MCBT): MCBT helps people become more aware and accepting of their thoughts. Rather than trying to resist intense emotions, you can make room for them, allowing you to live more mindfully.
- Interpersonal therapy: Interpersonal therapy focuses on the connection between trauma and interpersonal distress. By resolving trauma, you can feel more empowered in your relationships.
Final Thoughts
If you’re dealing with a breadcrumber, it’s important to look after your emotional and psychological needs. You don’t have to tolerate abusive behavior. If you’re struggling to let go of this relationship–or if you keep falling into the same frustrating patterns- consider reaching out for support.
Breadcrumbing in Relationships Infographics
