Narcissist Silent Treatment: What It Is, Tactics, & How to Deal With It

What Is Narcissistic Silent Treatment?

Narcissistic silent treatment is a type of narcissistic manipulation and narcissistic abuse. Narcissists may use the silent treatment to communicate they are unhappy with you, to control you, or as a form of punishment. If the narcissist uses the silent treatment to deflect responsibility for something they have done wrong, it can also be a form of narcissistic gaslighting. If you receive silent treatment regularly and often, it may signify a narcissistic relationship.

Signs of Narcissistic Silent Treatment

The silent treatment may begin after conflict or seemingly out of nowhere. Because narcissists often react strongly to perceived criticism, you might trigger them without realizing it.

Common signs include:

• Things feel like they’ve flipped from “hot” to “cold”
• They haven’t spoken to you for an extended period
• They only talk to you when they want something
• You feel like their silence is a punishment
• They use stonewalling tactics
• They are willing to talk to other people, but not you

Examples of Narcissistic Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is used by narcissists as an attempt to control, punish, or manipulate their victim. Regardless of how the narcissist uses the silent treatment, it will often feel hurtful and can cause confusion and emotional distress.

Some examples of silent treatment behaviors include:

• Not responding or acknowledging after you ask for help with something
• Ignoring your attempts to contact them, both in person or technologically
• Rescinding previous agreements to help or support you
• Talking publicly about you to others without acknowledging your presence
• Refusing to accept reasonable requests for their help
• Using a passive-aggressive tone and attitude when they do speak to you
• Describing everything you say or do as disrespectful
• Sending messages to you through other people
• Refusing to stop their silent treatment until you apologize or change your behavior towards them (tit for tat, quid pro quo)
• Refusing to acknowledge, accept, and respect your personal boundaries

8 Tips for Dealing With Narcissistic Silent Treatment

While deciding how to deal with a narcissist and the silent treatment you may receive, it’s important to remember that each situation is unique and may require more specific problem-solving than any article can provide. However, there are some general places to start changing how you interact with a narcissist while receiving their silent treatment.

Eight ways to deal with narcissistic silent treatment are:

1. Learn About Narcissism

The best thing you can do for yourself when deciding how to interact with a narcissist is to arm yourself with as much information as you can on what narcissism is. Understanding narcissism can allow both you and the narcissist to have realistic expectations. In addition, the more you understand this disorder, the better you will be able to remind yourself that you are not at fault.

2. Don’t Feed Their Narcissistic Supply

Because they do not have an established sense of self and cannot give themselves enough admiration and attention to change this, narcissists rely on others to fill their narcissistic supply.⁵

When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, they may be inadvertently asking you to contribute to their narcissistic supply by trying to convince them to stop giving you the silent treatment—this can look like sending multiple text messages, calling them constantly, or begging them to talk to you. Doing these things keeps you stuck in the narcissistic cycle of abuse and within this unhealthy relational dynamic.

3. Prioritize Your Safety

If you are dealing with a person presenting with narcissistic rage, it is important to first and foremost focus on getting yourself as safe as possible. If you need to put physical space between you and the narcissist or temporarily take their side until their rage has subsided, remind yourself that these strategies are entirely understandable to ensure your safety. Things can always be reassessed or dealt with once you are safe.

4. Don’t Fall for Hoovering Tactics

Hoovering refers to tactics that narcissists use to pull their victims back into unhealthy relational dynamics that are part of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. Once you realize there is a pattern of hoovering in your relationship, you may need to change how you show up in this relationship and consider alternative ways to disarm a narcissist. It’s essential to assess your own safety before considering disarming a narcissist and choosing how to proceed in a way that aligns with who you feel you are.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

When you are in a relatively safe space, it is critical to set healthy boundaries to ensure you are free to take care of your needs. Boundaries can be related to communication expectations, how you collectively spend your time, and how you can contribute to the other person’s overall well-being.

6. Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being

Focusing on meeting your own needs, particularly through emotional self-care, is the single-most impactful thing you can do for yourself when you are in the midst of a narcissist’s silent treatment. You are not in control of the other person choosing to give you the silent treatment, but you can control how you carry yourself through this uncomfortable time. By focusing on what you can control—taking care of yourself—you will benefit from meeting your needs and regain some sense of agency over your situation.

7. Lean on Your Support Network

When stuck in a narcissistic cycle of abuse, it is difficult to see your situation rationally, as the entire cycle’s goal is to make you question your reality and build codependency. Therefore, it is absolutely crucial that you talk to and lean on people in your support network who you trust to help you see your relationship objectively. These are the same people who can remind you why your boundaries are important and support you if you decide to end this relationship.

8. Know When It’s Time to Leave

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a chronic mental health disorder that generally lasts for a person’s lifespan. Sometimes leaving the relationship is the only thing you can do to protect yourself and your mental health. If you have experienced a drop in self-esteem, have noticed an increase in hopelessness/helplessness, or feel you have been the target of narcissistic abuse, it may be time to consider leaving your toxic relationship. It can also be helpful to know what a narcissist does at the end of a relationship to let the relationship go when it has run its course.

Why Narcissists Use the Silent Treatment

Getting the silent treatment from a narcissist is typically in response to something they’re feeling threatened or hurt by. They may use narcissistic projection to pass these feelings onto you to now make it your problem instead of theirs. It doesn’t help that narcissists generally struggle with empathy, so they often don’t realize the impact the silent treatment has on other people.

Common reasons narcissists may resort to the silent treatment include:

To Lower Your Self-Esteem

The root of narcissism is a fragile ego, meaning they have low self-esteem. All behaviors that look like high self-esteem mask their insecurities. If challenged, their comparison-based mind recognizes you as acting with more self-esteem than them. Because narcissists struggle with feeling less than anyone else, knocking your self-esteem down lowers their pain when comparing their self-esteem to yours.

To Maintain Control

Narcissists have significant control issues and require as much power as possible because it adds to their narcissistic supply. Additionally, feeling in control allows them to avoid experiencing a narcissistic injury. Because of this, a narcissist will revert to any manipulation tactics they think will give them the most control over people and their situation. If you react most to the silent treatment, they will continue to use this tactic to get the reaction they want from you.

To Punish You

If you have done something to upset a narcissist, they may also use the silent treatment as a punishment to prevent you from challenging or upsetting them again in the future.¹ While the short-term goal can be to regain control, this is also a tactic to ensure long-term influence.

To Deflect Responsibility

If the narcissist has done something that you are trying to hold them accountable for, they may resort to the silent treatment to shift your focus away from what they did wrong and onto the fact that they are giving you the silent treatment. The fact that stonewalling is such a naturally uncomfortable experience makes it an effective avoidance tool for a narcissist.

To Provoke You

If a narcissist is feeling insecure, they may provoke. This provocation aims to make you look and feel like you are acting ugly and to manufacture a scenario that makes them look and feel better. Narcissists spend a lot of energy comparing themselves to others, so maneuvering situations to make themselves feel better is crucial to protecting their fragile egos.

To Make You Codependent

Codependency refers to a relationship with no equal balance of power and separation and where both people become dependent on this relational dynamic. A significant part of relationships with narcissists is becoming caught in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle involves the narcissist giving the victim an ideal relationship standard to chase, followed by devaluation and rejection. This cyclical pattern will repeat as long as the narcissist finds the relationship useful. However, it often leaves the victim feeling confused, hopeless, and stuck within the relationship and the cycle of abuse.²

Impacts of Narcissist Silent Treatment

Narcissistic silent treatment can impact a person in many ways – psychologically, emotionally, and even physically with prolonged exposure. It is possible to develop mental health conditions, such as an anxiety disorder, depression, or narcissistic abuse syndrome, or even physical health manifestations of this stress exposure, such as frequently getting sick or experiencing chronic health conditions.³ While these can have long-term impacts, proper self-care and therapy can manage and/or reverse these effects.

Impacts of narcissistic silent treatment may include:

• Anxiety: While sitting in a narcissist’s silent treatment, you have lots of time to focus on all the “what-ifs” and worst-case scenarios that can be the cause/outcome of this current silent treatment; these thinking patterns are common symptoms of anxiety.
• Depression: Narcissists use manipulation tactics that give them a sense of control, which leaves their victims feeling helpless and hopeless to change their situation – these are core symptoms related to depression.⁴
• Decreased relationship satisfaction: At its root, silent treatment withholds communication, and a lack of communication negatively impacts relationships.
• Narcissistic abuse syndrome: If you have been experiencing repeated manipulation and emotional abuse from a narcissist, you are at risk for developing Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, which can include symptoms of intense guilt, fear, and self-doubt.
• Low self-esteem: Because many manipulation tactics that narcissists use try to make you question your reality and confidence, they typically translate to losing an overall sense of trust in yourself and low self-esteem.
• Isolation: To maintain control over you, narcissists will work to isolate you to build your codependency on them.
• Losing your sense of self/identity: The narcissistic abuse cycle demands your time, attention, and energy, which can make it easy to lose sight of your interests and living in ways that feel authentic to who you are.

When to Consider Therapy

If you feel you have been the target of narcissistic manipulation and abuse, getting professional help can offer significant benefits.

Therapy can help you:

• Understand and process the abuse
• Rebuild your self-esteem and identity
• Learn healthier relationship dynamics
• Set and maintain boundaries
• Heal emotionally and physically

Individual therapy is typically more beneficial than couples counseling when dealing with narcissistic abuse. Couples therapy may increase the risk of further manipulation or triangulation by the narcissistic partner. Use an online therapist directory to find an in-person therapist, or an online therapy platform like BetterHelp or Inclusive Therapists to work with therapists virtually.