Why Do I Always Get Cheated On? 6 Reasons & What to Do About It

Why Do I Always Get Cheated On?

If you are someone who has been cheated on multiple times, perhaps in every single relationship, you might want to know what it is about you that makes you bond with people who eventually commit infidelity.

Although there are many reasons why people cheat, it is important to understand that none of these reasons are your fault, and might have more to do with the relationship itself. In their article, Infidelity in romantic relationships, researchers Fincham and May report that “Compared to individual characteristics, relationship factors tend to be more strongly related to infidelity.”¹

Some reasons why people cheat include:

• They are bored of the current relationship: All relationships experience boredom, especially the long-term ones. But some people find that boredom unbearable.
• They feel high levels of relationship dissatisfaction: If the relationship is unhealthy, or even just unfulfilling, the person might feel that they are not getting their needs met.
• They want to get back at their partner: Sometimes the person is cheating to get back on someone, such as if they were cheated on or felt wronged in another way.
• They feel like it is their right due to gender or cultural expectations: Some men feel that they are entitled to have sexual relationships outside of their relationship due to cultural or societal messages telling them they can.
• They’re in a narcissistic relationship: It is common for someone with narcissistic traits to accuse their partner of cheating while they are doing the very thing they accuse the partner of doing.
• They have poor self esteem: Some people cheat due to lack of self esteem and self confidence. The act of cheating makes them feel momentarily better about themselves.
• They were under the influence of alcohol or drugs and acted impulsively: No matter the reason, the behavior is not excused if someone was under the influence. They are still responsible for what they did.

Common Personality Traits of People Who Get Cheated On

If you have been cheated on a few times, you might be worried that you are not attractive or interesting enough. It is important to first remember that it is nobody’s fault that they were cheated on. Still, there are some personality traits that might make you more likely to begin a relationship with someone who is more likely to cheat.

Some personality factors that may influence your relationship are:

• Critical or abusive behaviors or comments: If you engage in behaviors that make your partner feel bad about themselves or the relationship, they might be more likely to seek support from someone else.
• Conscientiousness: A study found that those who had lower traits of conscientiousness, such as being more careless, were more likely than those with higher traits of conscientiousness to have been cheated on.²
• Agreeableness: Having an agreeableness personality defines how you are in relationships in regards to conflict, cooperation, etc, and how these things influence your relationship.
• Neuroticism: Having a neuroticism personality trait that makes you more likely to experience high amounts of stress, which may affect your mental health. If you are more moody than others, this can affect your relationship.
• High reactivity or avoidant attachment: Reactive attachment disorder in adults can cause someone to be moody, avoidant, and to struggle making healthy connections with others. This can make your partner feel disconnected
• Workaholic: If you are never around because of work or other commitments, this might increase the likelihood that your partner is looking for companionship elsewhere. 
• Engaging in stonewalling behavior: When we engage in stonewalling, we are essentially shutting the person out. Over time, they might feel disconnected or even pushed away from you.
• Controlling behaviors: If a partner feels controlled, they might be more likely to engage in behaviors such as cheating as a way to escape from being controlled.

6 Shared Life Experiences Among Those Who Get Cheated On

While being cheated on is no fault of the individual, some characteristics might predict the likelihood of this happening to you. Those who are cheated on multiple times may share some of the same personality traits or life experiences.

Here are six common traits of people who get cheated on repeatedly:

1. Mistaking Attraction for Love

Even though it can feel like love in the beginning, often it is only infatuation, as real love develops slowly. Mistaking attraction for love could result in getting cheated on, as you do not fully know the person yet or how they will treat you.

2. Abandoned by a Parent

Being abandoned by a parent at an early age can influence your ability to form and maintain relationships with others. If you were abandoned by someone who was supposed to care for and protect you, it might feel normal to be mistreated by a partner, or it might make you less likely to notice red flags.

3. You’re Not All That Interested in Sex

Many people who are cheated on report that their partner did so because of their lack of interest in sex. It is important to understand that you do not owe anyone any type of sexual intimacy that you are not comfortable with. If your partner is frustrated with a lack of sex, then couples therapy can help improve communication around this issue.

4. Childhood Trauma

Experiencing childhood trauma may influence whether someone gets cheated on repeatedly. Because childhood trauma directly affects our self esteem and sense of self, it might make us more likely to ignore or even excuse behaviors that are unhealthy.

5.  Attachment Disorders & Trauma

Having an attachment disorder may influence whether someone gets cheated on repeatedly. Attachment trauma, otherwise known as childhood trauma, can disrupt our ability to form healthy relationships with ourselves and others. Having anxious attachment, avoidant personality disorder, or  disorganized attachment will affect your relationship dynamic.

6. Toxic Relationships

Having a toxic relationship increases the likelihood that you will experience infidelity. Many people who have a history of trauma find themselves in toxic or codependent relationships due to the familiarity of this behavior pattern.

How to Cope If You Always Get Cheated On

Someone who always gets cheated on may be feeling frustrated, hurt, and even hopeless about being cheated on repeatedly. If you feel this way, there are things you can do to address persistent infidelity, starting with a list of questions to ask your partner after infidelity. Even if it feels unlikely, it is possible to have a relationship with complete trust. However, it might not be with this partner, as multiple instances of infidelity may leave you with betrayal trauma.

Here’s what to do if you’re always cheated on:

Find Out Why They Cheated

You have the right to ask why your partner cheated, even if they tell you that you don’t. While some feel they are better not knowing why people cheat, finding out why can help improve the relationship,or give you the motivation you needed to end the relationship.

Do Some Self-Reflection

Although being cheated on is not your fault, it could be beneficial to do some self-reflection during this time to look at what type of relationship you want. Increasing your self-awareness will help empower you to ask for what you need, and to leave the situations that are not working for you.

Allow Yourself to Feel Hurt

Validating your feelings is essential to healing and working through the pain of having been cheated on. Take time to allow yourself to feel the hurt and grieve in this situation. Some ways to do this are to educate yourself on healthy relationships, take time to journal and reflect, and spend time with friends or family who make you feel good about yourself.

Work on Your Insecurities

Learning how to stop being insecure and working on your insecurities will help empower you to navigate this situation, and increase self awareness in order to best avoid it happening again.

Establish Your Self Esteem & Self-Worth

Improving one’s self-worth and self-esteem will help you determine your worth, and help you stand firm in what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Improving self esteem takes time, but journaling and seeking support can help.

Be Assertive About Your Needs

After being cheated on, it is normal to need emotional support and reassurance, or even some space from the person. Showing assertiveness and asking for what you need is important during this time.

When to Consider Therapy After Getting Cheated On

Because relationship satisfaction can affect your mental health, it’s essential to pay attention to how you feel, and validate those feelings. If you are experiencing feelings of sadness or worry, this might be a sign that you need therapy to help you work through these feelings.

If you are considering therapy, there are many options available to you. Online therapy options can be especially beneficial if you have a busy schedule or live in an area that lacks mental health resources. Additionally, couples or marriage counseling can help you and a partner develop and improve your communication skills.

Some therapeutic methods for addressing problems in a relationship include::

• Couples counseling: If both parties are open to learning and reflecting, preparing for couples therapy might help work through the feelings of betrayal and help to increase understanding.
• Individual therapy: Individual therapy can help work through the feelings that come up after experiencing infidelity, and help you empower yourself.
• Online therapy options: Today, online therapy is easier than ever. Online therapy can be helpful if you or your partner have busy or alternative schedules.
• Peer support: Many people find benefits in support groups, either for survivors of infidelity, or for people who have a history of engaging in cheating behaviors.

In My Experience

In my experience, cheating often leads to feelings of resentment and pain, especially if not addressed appropriately. Many people ask if cheating can be forgiven, but it depends on the person and if they are open to feedback and willing to change their behavior. Using phubbing as a way to dismiss, ignore, or stonewall another person is never okay. If this happens often in a romantic relationship, encouraging your partner to seek therapy or attending sessions together can help with understanding and working through the behavior. I have seen many couples repair their relationship and come out stronger in the end, but this is usually only in situations where both parties are mature and self aware. Luckily, there are ways to deal that will help all parties feel understood and supported.