10 Narcissistic Cheating Patterns & How to Spot Them

Why Are Narcissists More Prone to Cheating?

Rates of infidelity are higher among narcissists. Unlike conventional cheaters, narcissistic cheaters can feel greater self-entitlement, impulsivity, suffer from control issues, and experience a lack of empathy and remorse. Narcissists are pleasure-seeking by nature and may constantly look for new sources of narcissistic supply, which makes adulterous acts and serial cheating more likely.⁶

10 Narcissistic Cheating Patterns

Narcissistic cheating patterns differ from cheating in other relationships because they can be linked to the unique features of narcissistic personality disorder. It is also likely that the cheating narcissist has developed a set of tactics to enable their deceitful behavior. Identifying these patterns sooner rather than later can potentially shield you from additional hurt and preserve your overall well-being.

While every relationship is different, below are 10 signs of narcissistic cheating:

1. Lying

Dishonesty, lying, and secrecy are almost always present in any form of infidelity, and narcissists are masters of deceit. Your narcissistic partner likely used their charming persona to draw you in, but they know this façade can fall apart at any given moment. To prevent this, they’ll lie about everything, even the tiniest things that, in their eyes, could taint the “perfect” image they’ve created. So, if you notice that your narcissist partner is lying about trivial stuff, chances are they are lying about bigger things too, such as infidelity.^5,7

2. Defensiveness

Don’t expect an admission of wrongdoing when questioning a narcissist about cheating. In fact, they may take offense to it, turn the blame on you, claim you drove them to cheat, gaslight you, or flat-out deny it. Narcissists dread losing control and having their conduct come into question, which is why defensiveness is common. It can also help prevent any type of narcissistic injury. Their defensiveness in and of itself is undoubtedly the most compounding confirmation that cheating is going on.^6,8,9

When a narcissist is cheating, they will think you are too or may flip the script to make it seem that way. Your narcissist counterpart almost certainly has a distorted notion that showing a strong aversion towards infidelity won’t make you suspicious of them. They will typically do this while targeting you with accusations, harassment, and harsh judgments of suspected infidelity. Unfortunately, this common narcissist tactic can put you at a disadvantage because instead of confronting your narcissist’s adulterous acts, you now have to defend yourself.^5,6,8

3. Lack of Reassurance

Not only are narcissists defensive–they’re also not very reassuring. Your narcissist partner is often so self-involved that they are unable to separate themselves from their ego, thus deflecting or minimizing your suspicions. It is highly unlikely that they’ll ever validate your concerns about the possible infidelity or feel any guilt about it. The narcissist will disregard any requests for reassurance, which will often leave you feeling more confused and suspicious.⁶

4. Requesting Space

When you first start a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll often encounter love bombing and get showered with extreme attention, affection, and love. Yet, because narcissists tend to get bored and lose interest quickly, this phase is often short-lived. You may notice your narcissist partner, particularly the grandiose type, pulling away and “needing space” in ways they previously have not. Generally, this signals that they’ve reached a limit with you and are now searching for new avenues of excitement in others.^6,10

5. Dubious Online Behavior

Narcissistic individuals have an ongoing need to self-promote and crave external validation. Social media can be the most gratifying outlet for them. It’s not uncommon for narcissists to spend excessive on-screen time. But if they start exhibiting shady social media use, like posting flirtatious comments on someone’s picture, oversharing personal details with people you’ve never met, and creating profiles on dating sites, it can further solidify your partner’s engagement in unfaithful acts.^5,6

6. More Spending

Narcissists, especially the grandiose type, tend to be flashy since they usually have a distorted notion that their “sex appeal” and desirability come from displaying wealth and having material possessions. You may see your narcissistic partner making impulsive purchases and overspending on things like luxurious gadgets, posh cars, and expensive clothes. This behavior may be motivated by the challenge of successfully seducing the person/s they are trying to have an affair with.⁶

7. Risky Sexual Behavior

Grandiose narcissism is strongly connected with a multitude of risky sexual behaviors, including having multiple sexual partners, frequent one-night stands, and higher rates of unprotected sex. Narcissists typically feel entitled to sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form. Coupled with their impulsivity and openness towards sex and infidelity, it becomes a dangerous combination for everyone involved. That said, if you’re exclusive with a narcissist and get an STD, that may be direct confirmation that they are cheating on you while also putting your health at risk.⁶

8. Retaliation

If you confront a narcissist about cheating on you, it is incredibly likely they will become defensive and retaliate against you. This can look like denying that it’s true, and refusing to have conversations with you about it. If they see that they are unable to convince you that you’re wrong, their narcissistic rage is likely to turn nasty – blaming their behaviors on you, gaslighting you, exploding verbally and/or physically, attacking you, breaking things, making threats against you. Sometimes the retaliation can be quieter – giving you the silent treatment, being passive aggressive, and using stonewalling.

Now that they know there is a risk to their relationship, the narcissist may also try to become more aggressive in their attempts to control you so that they do not have to lose you. This can look like attempting to isolate you from others and their opinions/support to leave, making life away from them more difficult (cutting off financial support, child caregiving support, etc.), and making ultimatums to encourage you to stay.

9. Changes in Sexual Patterns

If a narcissistic partner – or any partner – shows sudden and drastic changes in their sexual patterns with you, it’s likely that there is something deeper going on. It is possible that a narcissist may use a drastic change in the sexual activities they’re interested in because they experienced this during their cheating or to use it as a distraction away from their cheating.

While a narcissist may no longer be interested solely in you, they may still feel a strong desire to maintain the relationship if it serves as a source of narcissistic supply for the attention that their ego needs. This could also mean that they become disinterested in having sex with you altogether, but they maintain the relationship for the emotional benefits they get from you.

10. Start Fights Over Nothing

While narcissists often use fights as a manipulation tool, it is possible that they may pick fights in order to get time away from you to continue their cheating. This reduces the risk and likelihood that you will be suspicious, guarantees that they can have unquestioned and uninterrupted time away, and that they can maintain control of the narrative.

After picking all of these fights, the narcissist can also use these as a tool to justify their behavior if and when you confront them about it. They may state that they only went to cheat during the stressful aftermath of arguments and they would not have cheated without the fighting. They may also try to alter the timeline and insist that the cheating began after the fighting had already started. Regardless of how they use it, the purpose will be to deflect and reduce blame from themselves.

What to Do if You’re Dating a Cheating Narcissist

If you suspect your narcissistic partner is cheating, explore your emotions and response options before confronting them. Keep in mind that they may employ tactics like gaslighting, denial, defensiveness, or even become abusive, so this encounter may not go well if you’re hoping to work things out. Nevertheless, openly addressing infidelity, regardless of the outcome, may shed light on issues within the relationship.

Some things to consider if you suspect your narcissistic partner has cheated include:

Process Your Emotions First

Before reacting, take a step back and allow yourself to feel the uncomfortable emotions the cheating can trigger. Although this might not be what you’d like to do initially, allowing yourself time to process your feelings and examining how you would like to address it can assist you in finding a constructive path forward.

Gather Proof

Since narcissists often gaslight the people around them in order to maintain control of the narrative, it can be very helpful for your own mental well-being to gather enough proof before a confrontation so that you will not be impacted by the gaslighting. It is important to note that gathering proof will mostly be beneficial for you, because there may be no amount of evidence that you can present to a narcissist that will result in honesty, accountability or an apology from them.

Plan your Approach

Having a plan may help you better manage your narcissistic partner’s response, which may include defense mechanisms like gaslighting, narcissistic projection, and verbal attacks, among others. When you’re ready, have a structured conversation in which you clearly convey your feelings, and only discuss the suspected or confirmed infidelity. Try to frame the talk around how this has impacted you, avoiding any personal attacks, which may be counterproductive to how your narcissistic partner might react.

Rethink the Relationship

If your partner is not receptive to your feelings, unwilling to compromise, reacting violently/aggressively, and/or putting your health and well-being at risk, it is time to go your separate ways. Before you break up with a narcissist, make sure you take the necessary safety precautions, as many narcissists can become enraged and/or physically violent when their partners are the ones ending the relationship.^6,9,10

Consider Staying Together

Although narcissists tend to be less committed in long-term relationships, some can be strongly devoted when they feel highly satisfied with their partners. So, if you want to save your relationship, it may be possible. If your partner is equally invested in dealing with this crisis, couples’ counseling, individual therapy, and/or infidelity support groups may be helpful. Reaching out to these resources may not guarantee the outcome you hope for, but it can provide emotional support throughout.⁶

When to Consider Professional Help

If you are struggling after infidelity or are unsure how to proceed in your relationship, psychotherapy can assist you by providing a safe place to process strong emotions and encourage you to make healthy decisions regarding how you respond to their narcissistic relationship patterns and your personal well-being. Talk therapy can offer key moral support when dealing with infidelity and provide you with strategies to better cope with its effects.¹⁰

Additionally, if the relationship is not abusive and you and your partner have decided to save your relationship after infidelity, couples counseling can be beneficial. Keep in mind that this is a process that requires intention, effort, and commitment. There are many options for online marriage or couples counseling including ReGain and TalkSpace.