Narcissistic Grandmothers: 14 Signs & How to Deal With Them

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder characterized by arrogance, entitlement, hypersensitivity to criticism, and an excessive need for external validation or attention. People with NPD often struggle with deep insecurities that are triggered by criticism, envy, or any perceived threat to their egos. When upset, narcissists tend to become highly reactive, defensive, and even abusive towards others.^2,3

To be diagnosed with NPD, a person must exhibit at least five of the following symptoms:³

• Grandiosity or an excessive sense of self-importance
• Fantasies of power, success, beauty, or importance
• A belief in being special or exceptional
• An excessive need for validation, praise, and admiration from others
• A sense of entitlement or feeling like one deserves special treatment
• Exploiting others for personal gain or selfish reasons
• Lacking empathy or being unwilling to identify with the needs of others
• Being envious of others or believing others are envious of them
• Arrogant or haughty behavior, or acting better or superior to other people

What Are the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse can take many forms, and its signs often vary depending on the individual and the severity of their narcissistic traits. Extreme narcissists are more likely to engage in toxic or abusive behavior, using manipulative tactics to control and undermine others. Research has identified several patterns that fall under the umbrella of narcissistic abuse, particularly in family dynamics.^1,2

Common signs of narcissistic abuse by a grandmother include:¹

 

• Emotional abuse or neglect: Children of narcissistic parents or grandparents often experience emotional abuse or neglect. This can include dismissing feelings, withholding affection, or undermining emotional well-being.
• Gaslighting: Narcissistic grandmothers often gaslight their loved ones and distort the truth to make someone question their perception of reality. For example, they might deny hurtful actions or twist facts, leaving the other person doubting themselves.
• Playing favorites: A narcissistic grandmother might label one family member, often a child or grandchild, as the “golden child” who can do no wrong, while designating another as the scapegoat, taking the blame for everything that goes wrong.
• Pathological lying: Some narcissistic grandmothers may be pathological liars who tell elaborate lies or exaggerated stories about themselves to gain attention, praise, or validation, often making themselves seem more impressive or important.
• Drama and conflict: Narcissistic grandmothers may create unnecessary drama or stir up conflict within the family, sometimes to gain sympathy, play the hero, or destabilize family relationships for their own benefit.

14 Signs of a Narcissistic Grandmother

Grandmothers are often seen as warm, loving, and nurturing figures in the family—but this isn’t always the case. A narcissistic grandmother may display a completely different side, switching to manipulative, mean, or passive-aggressive behavior when things don’t go her way. She might also exhibit traits like vanity, jealousy, and self-centeredness, making interactions with her feel emotionally draining and frustrating for family members. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward understanding how her narcissistic tendencies can impact family dynamics.^1,4,5,6

Here are fourteen common signs of a narcissistic grandmother:

1. She Makes Almost Everything About Herself

Narcissistic grandmothers may have a bad habit of making themselves the focus of every conversation, celebration, or family gathering. Even during an event celebrating someone else (i.e., a wedding, birthday, or graduation), they may find ways to make themselves the center of attention. This annoying habit is common in both male and female narcissists and reflects the narcissist’s inherent self-centered worldview.^2,6

2. She’s Easily Offended

Narcissistic grandmothers also tend to take things too personally. For example, they may find it offensive when someone doesn’t answer their calls, send a thank you note for a gift, or think to consult with them before making a major life decision. These are all classic examples of the kinds of hypersensitivity more common in females with NPD.^4,5,6

3. She Needs to Be Needed

A narcissistic grandmother may view herself as the family matriarch, securing this role by making others dependent on her. She might offer financial support, childcare, or other practical help that seems generous on the surface. However, these actions often serve to fulfill her need for “narcissistic supply” by boosting her ego and sense of importance. By making herself indispensable, she gains a sense of control and influence, ensuring that family members rely on her while feeding her own need for validation.^2,6,7

4. Nothing She Gives You Is Ever Really ‘Free’

When a narcissistic grandmother is generous with her time, money, or assistance, there are almost always strings attached. She may expect appreciation, loyalty, or a future favor in return, often creating a sense of indebtedness among family members. This “generosity” is a way for her to maintain control and ensure that others feel obligated to her. In this way, her relationships become transactional, where every favor or act of kindness comes with an unspoken “IOU” that she can call upon whenever it serves her needs.^1,2,7

5. She Knows How to Push Your Buttons

Narcissists are often masters at finding out how to trigger people, and research suggests female narcissists may be especially skilled at this.^4,5,6 A narcissistic grandmother knows exactly how to push the buttons of her family members. When she does, she’ll often claim innocence or ignorance to avoid being accountable for her manipulative tactics.

6. She’s the Master of Guilt Trips

A narcissistic grandmother often relies on guilt as a key tool for manipulating and controlling others. Research shows that female narcissists tend to use passive-aggressive tactics like guilt trips rather than overt aggression.^1,4 Over the years, a narcissistic grandmother may have perfected this skill, using it to make family members feel bad for not following her wishes or meeting her expectations. This subtle form of control helps her maintain influence while creating a sense of obligation among those around her.⁶

7. She Cares a Lot About What Other People Think

A narcissistic grandmother is often deeply concerned with her status and reputation.^2,3 Like many people with narcissistic traits, she may put considerable effort into maintaining a certain image, especially around people she deems important or of high status.^4,5 This can show up in the form of gossiping about others or obsessing over how she is perceived, revealing her underlying need for admiration and validation.²

8. She Focuses on Her Appearance

Pride and vanity are common traits in narcissists, but for female narcissists, this often centers around physical appearance. A narcissistic grandmother may be particularly prideful about her looks and struggle with the natural aging process.⁴ She may seek cosmetic procedures or other measures to maintain her attractiveness, sometimes openly discussing her insecurities about aging or appearance as a way to gain attention and reassurance.⁵

9. She Plays the Victim Card

When a narcissistic grandmother feels criticized or “losing” an argument, she often resorts to playing the victim. This tactic is common among female narcissists, who may use crying, self-deprecation, or dramatic displays to evoke pity from family members. By portraying herself as the wronged party, she manipulates others into softening their stance, ultimately shifting focus away from her own behavior.^2,3,5

10. She Doesn’t Admit Her Mistakes

Owning up to mistakes is rare for a narcissistic grandmother, who may deflect responsibility or gloss over her errors. Instead of apologizing, she may blame others or external circumstances, or simply brush off the issue with comments like, “It’s just water under the bridge.” For narcissists, admitting fault is difficult because it triggers deep insecurities and can result in a “narcissistic injury,” which is why they avoid accountability.^1,2,6

11. She’s Competitive & Jealous of Others

Narcissistic individuals often feel intense jealousy and competitiveness, and a narcissistic grandmother is no exception. She may struggle to celebrate the successes of others, even family members, often feeling envious or threatened instead. Driven by a need to compare herself to others, she might insert herself into situations unrelated to her, seeking ways to boost her own self-esteem.^2,3,4

12. She Doesn’t Respect Personal Boundaries

A narcissistic grandmother frequently disregards boundaries, even when they’re clearly established. She might show up unannounced, take over situations without permission, or impose her opinions on personal matters—such as career choices or baby names. This tendency to overstep reveals her disregard for others’ autonomy and her desire to remain in control.

13. She Uses Favoritism to Manipulate

A narcissistic grandmother may play favorites among her grandchildren or other family members, creating competition and tension within the family. By giving more attention or praise to certain people while ignoring or criticizing others, she fosters jealousy and division, keeping everyone vying for her approval and ensuring her central role in family dynamics.

14. She Undermines Achievements

Rather than celebrating family members’ successes, a narcissistic grandmother might downplay or dismiss them, keeping the spotlight on herself. This could look like subtle digs, dismissive comments, or simply ignoring important milestones—making others feel that their achievements aren’t worthy of acknowledgment unless they serve her in some way.

How to Deal With Narcissistic Grandmothers

If you have a narcissistic grandmother in your family, you have first-hand knowledge of just how difficult and frustrating it can be to deal with a narcissist. Their manipulation tactics, self-centeredness, and refusal to be held accountable for their actions can result in pent-up feelings of resentment.¹ While there is no one ‘right way’ to approach a narcissistic family member, there are some general tips and strategies that can help you cope and minimize the negative impacts on your mental health.

Free Worksheets for Coping With a Narcissist

This collection of worksheets is designed to help you identify and navigate narcissistic behavior, recognize gaslighting tactics, set healthy boundaries, and reinforce your personal strengths to protect your emotional well-being. Find the one you need, or download the entire worksheet collection here.

Complete Workbook Download

Identifying Narcissistic Traits Download

Identifying Gaslighting Tactics Download

Setting Healthy Boundaries Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Download

Here are some tips for dealing with a narcissistic grandmother:

• Educate yourself about NPD: Discovering your family member has NPD can be an ‘aha’ moment for many that helps to give a name and explanation for their experiences. Empower yourself by reading and learning more about narcissism, how narcissism affects relationships, and tactics used by narcissists.
• Set boundaries and distance yourself: Setting healthy boundaries and pulling back is necessary, especially with narcissists who are toxic, manipulative, or abusive. This might mean only seeing and talking to a grandmother occasionally, not staying with them when you visit, or learning how to say ‘no’ when they insert themselves into your life. Similarly, be cautious about accepting her generosity, such as gifts or favors, since there’s often an expectation attached.
• Build a support system: Dealing with a narcissistic grandmother can be emotionally taxing. Having a trusted group of friends, family, or even a therapist to talk to can provide support and perspective, helping you navigate challenging situations.
• Don’t fall for her tricks: A big component of boundary setting is an internal process of deciding what to worry about, feel guilty for, or pity someone for. Don’t give into feelings of self-doubt when you start to feel bad about something your grandmother has said or done.
• Avoid taking the bait: Narcissists often provoke conflict to get attention or maintain control. Learn to recognize when your grandmother is trying to push your buttons and practice staying calm and disengaging from unnecessary arguments.
• Practice self-care: Dealing with a narcissist can be draining, so prioritize activities that recharge you emotionally, physically, and mentally. Self-care can include exercise, mindfulness, or spending time with people who uplift and support you.
• Keep visits short and sweet to avoid conflict: Maintaining a cordial and pleasant relationship with a narcissist can help a person stay focused on the positives. For example, plan to see your grandmother only on holidays; keep your conversations focused on neutral topics; or plan fun activities together to keep family time enjoyable and drama-free.

When to Seek Professional Help

If your grandmother’s narcissistic behavior has negatively affected you or other family members, it may be time to seek professional help. Recovering from the effects of narcissistic abuse can be challenging, and therapy can provide the support you need to heal and rebuild your emotional well-being.

You can start by using an online therapist directory to find a provider near you who specializes in these areas. A directory will allow you to filter by location, insurance, and specific expertise. Alternatively, online therapy services can match you with a qualified therapist and offer flexible options like virtual sessions to fit your needs. Taking this step can help you move forward and regain a sense of control and balance in your life.