There are a number of reasons why a person may not like their parents, and most of us probably utter “I hate my parents” at some point in our lives. Feeling this way does not mean that you are a bad person. However, there is a difference between making an offhand comment during a moment of frustration, and strong feelings that are a sign of a deeper problem.
Why Do I Hate My Parents?
Occasionally uttering the words “I hate my parents” is normal, especially in adolescence or when frustrated with their quirky behavior. However, if you are starting to really believe this, it is important to look deeper. If you are concerned about your negative feelings regarding your parents, it can be beneficial to examine the thoughts and feelings around this worry, and where it might have come from.
Below are eight possible reasons why you might hate your parents:
1. Teenage Rebellion
It is common for adolescents to rebel against their families as they work to differentiate and individualize themselves. Peer pressure, self-esteem, and stressors at school all contribute to how a teenager might react towards parents. And while some teenage angst is typical and expected, if it continues for longer than normal, this behavior could point to some teen depression.
2. You Experienced Maltreatment or Abuse
Perhaps there was dysfunction or maltreatment in your home that contributed to these feelings of hatred. Instances of childhood trauma, maltreatment, or abuse have been shown to contribute to negative feelings towards one’s family of origin, and negative emotional and behavioral dysregulation.1
3. Different Values
Our parents’ values may differ from ours. In most cases, this is okay if handled in a respectful way that honors the opinions and beliefs of all parties. However, when parents try to force their beliefs on their children, this can be burdensome and unfair. This behavior is often seen with homophobic or transphobic parents, are members of a strict religion or purity culture, or have sexist or racist beliefs. These projections can lead to fostered hatred in children who do not share these unhealthy or even unsafe views.
4. You Were Emotionally Neglected
Being emotionally neglected in childhood often leaves survivors feeling empty, lonely, and unable to understand why.2 While caregivers are often unaware of childhood emotional neglect and acted unintentionally, their inability to support their children’s mental health results in feelings of emptiness and disconnection from the family.
5. Enmeshment or Improper Boundaries
When you grow up without proper familial boundaries, it is common to develop resentment towards the people who disregarded your emotional, physical, and spiritual privacy. This is common in families who promote enmeshment, which leads to poor boundaries. In childhood, you might not recognize that there is anything abnormal about this. But as you grow up, you start to realize how your rights have been violated.
6. Constant Criticism
If you feel like you can never do anything right, it can be difficult to have positive feelings about your childhood or your parents. Some parenting styles of previous generations recommended using criticism and shame to rear children and shape their behaviors. While that is changing in today’s society, we still find that there is a link between constant criticism and negative feelings towards caregivers. Children who experienced such maltreatment later report impaired closeness with parents in adulthood.3
7. Abandonment
There are many reasons why a parent might abandon a child–some purposeful and some beyond their control. From incarceration, deployment, health concerns or death, to a parent leaving the home willingly, all impact how a developing child views themselves and the world around them. An absent parent can affect a child’s attachment style, which will in turn influence how they develop and maintain relationships in adulthood.4
8. They Struggled with Substance Misuse
Experiencing or witnessing substance use in the home can be traumatic for a child. Many who watched a parent struggle with relapse and misuse feel resentment towards caregivers for what they were put through. When a parent is using, they are generally not the same person they are when sober–or, they might not be available emotionally or physically for their child at all. This causes chaos and confusion for a child, who develops painful memories and feelings about this experience.
Signs of Toxic Parents
While it is normal to occasionally feel irritated or annoyed with your parents, some people feel that their parents’ behaviors are actually toxic, thus contributing to their hatred for them. Sometimes, this may be a typical part of growing up–but, if you feel a strong dislike or hatred towards them, it is worth looking into. You should consider identifying where this disdain comes from, especially if you feel that some of their behaviors are detrimental.
Signs of a toxic parent may include:
- Constantly blaming others: People who always blame others for their actions are exhausting and immature. Everyone makes mistakes, and we should all own up to them. Over time, children notice if their parents never take responsibility for anything, and might start to become resentful over this.
- Emotionally immature: Emotionally immature parents demand constant attention, but are uncomfortable with closeness. A need for reassurance, along with reluctance for intimacy, results in lonely and confusing relationships with children.1
- Disrespect: All human beings deserve respect, no matter their age. Children should not be disrespected by their parents or anyone in the family, as this is hurtful and harmful.
- Exploitation: Children who are made to do things without their consent or used as family housemaids are being exploited. This behavior is toxic and–in some cases–even abusive.
- Parentification: When a parent places their emotional burdens and worries on their child, or treats them as a surrogate spouse or therapist, this is unhealthy and harmful. It places an unfair emotional burden on a young child.
- They gaslight your experiences: Growing up with a parent who denies your reality of events is extremely frustrating and isolating, and can cause you to lose trust in them.
What to Do When You Feel Like You Hate Your Parents
Coping with a dysfunctional family can be difficult, but it is not impossible. Many people are still living at home, or their cultural values do not allow them to distance themselves from their parents–no matter how toxic they are. Regardless of your situation, there are tools available to assist you in healing. Healthy coping mechanisms, along with lifestyle changes or adaptations, can help you deal with the disconnect you feel from your parents.
Below are some ways to cope with hating your parents:
Focus on Yourself
Coping with toxic families can be stressful and draining. It is important to maintain your own emotional self-care when dealing with toxic parents, as this will help you stay grounded and keep you from feeling overwhelmed by emotions.
Focus on what makes you feel secure and at-ease most. If that is a hot bath and a facial, put that on your schedule. If it is a long solo hike, a trip to a museum, or trying a new restaurant with friends–make it happen! Many people use journaling to help college their thoughts regarding their family situation. There are no rules for self-care, only that it helps you feel better.
Accept & Acknowledge Your Feelings
After being gaslit or pushed aside, now is the time to validate your truth. This starts with accepting and acknowledging your feelings. For many, this may be a struggle, as they never learned how to identify their emotions–especially if they experienced emotional neglect or emotional abuse from parents at home.
Many people benefit from quiet practices such as meditation, mindfulness, or other tranquil activities with which they can reflect on what they are feeling inside, and what their body might be telling them.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is challenging when dealing with toxic parents, but it is essential. These will help prevent you from getting caught in an uncomfortable or harmful situation with them again.
Setting boundaries with parents includes deciding when, where, and how long you have contact with them on the phone or in person. It also involves setting limits about what topics you will discuss–and deciding when to leave if this boundary is broken.
Make Communication Brief & Short
Much like setting boundaries, communication with toxic parents is best if predefined and articulated. The more drawn out the conversation, the more tiring it is. This will also offer additional opportunities for them to cross your boundaries.
When engaging in communication with toxic parents, keep it brief. This will limit the back and forth dialogue they often use to manipulate you into doing something you may not want to do. Practice short phrases that move the conversation along, such as, “Alright mom, we have to go, but thanks for this information.” Or, “Dad, I’m about to walk into an appointment, thanks for the phone call!”
Take a Social Media Break from Them
If you are connected to your parents online, many experts recommend taking a social media break. This will help decrease the common links between you, such as the pictures they tag you in, or passive aggressive memes that they post.
There are varying levels to taking a break–you can start by “unfollowing” them for a couple months, and then delete them from your account at a later date. If you worry about the ramifications for doing so, one option is to delete your social media entirely. You can always reactivate it, adding only the connections you choose.
Decrease Self-Blame
It is normal to blame yourself whenever a relationship is not working. If you’re a survivor of a toxic family, you might have been fed the message that it is always your fault if something goes wrong.
Therefore, it is important for you to work on decreasing self-blame. Listen to how you talk to yourself, and watch for any negative self-talk or unhealthy messages that you send to yourself about a situation.
Know When to Cut Ties
You do not owe anything to people who are harmful to you. If their behavior is causing you emotional, physical, or spiritual harm–or you worry they will cause harm to your (future) children–then there is no shame in cutting ties with parents for safety.
This is not always easy. There are many cultures who do not allow adult children to cease communication with their parents, no matter how toxic they are. This can be a difficult experience for anyone. If this sounds like your situation, I urge you to seek additional support.
Stop Trying to Change Them
When we realize that our parents’ behavior is toxic, we may want to change them for the better. After all, they are our parents! But, remember that people do not change unless they want to. If your parents spent most of their lives acting this way, it is unlikely that they will change this late in life. It is better to distance yourself and hope that they will want to improve once they notice you pulling away.
Build Strong External Supports
Growing up in a toxic environment can feel isolating. It is hard to find people who understand the dynamics that take place in unhealthy families if they have not experienced it themselves. This is where external support comes in.
Many people create their own “Chosen Family” through friends and loved ones who they develop close relationships with. This is very healthy to do, as it will decrease the pain and isolation you feel during holidays or other important events when you are unable to be with your family.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you are dealing with negative feelings about your parents, or difficult emotions that stem from your upbringing, you may benefit from therapy. Therapy will help you address any internalized self-loathing or negative self-talk associated with mistreatment from your parents. A mental health professional can also help you learn how to love yourself.
If you are still living at home, therapy can give you the tools to work through the frustration you might feel. It also offers you ways to improve communication with parents to make your environment more manageable. If you have since moved out and are struggling with whether or not you would like to repair the relationship with your family, therapy can help you with this, too. Find the right therapist who can provide treatment tailored to your individual needs. You can start your search with an online therapist directory.
Here are some therapy options to consider if you hate your parents:
- Cognitive processing therapy (CPT): CPT is good for people who need support with processing and working through their trauma history. This can help prevent you from repeating behaviors you learned from your family of origin.
- Internal family systems therapy: This form of therapy examines how all of our individual “parts” work together to protect us from negative or difficult feelings, and what we can do to work through these emotions.
- Family therapy: When the entire family is ready and willing to support one another through growth, family therapy can be an excellent tool for learning how to improve communication within the family unit.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): In CBT, clients learn how their thoughts affect their behaviors. This allows them to break down things that make them anxious or worried, and learn to change them.
- Emotionally focused therapy: This form of therapy focuses on how emotions affect our behaviors and relationships with others in our life.
- Group therapy: In group therapy, people who have a shared experience come together for a group and peer session.
Final Thoughts
Our early experiences with caregivers affect how we think about ourselves and others in our life. Experiencing a dysfunctional or toxic family environment can be very traumatic. Because of this. many people harbor residual negative feelings towards parents. You are not a bad person for feeling this way, or for not accepting your parents. Seek the support of a licensed therapist who specializes in working with dysfunctional or unhealthy family dynamics if you are struggling with the negative emotions associated with your childhood or caregivers.
Why Do I Hate My Parents? Infographics
