A mother’s alcohol misuse is not always recognizable, and signs of abuse may be purposefully hidden. However, the negative effects of having an alcoholic mother can be devastating. An alcohol addiction can result in family dysfunction, poor emotional and physical health in children, economic instability, among others.
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What Is it Like Having an Alcoholic Mother?
The term “alcoholic” comes with associated negative stigma and images, and has thus been replaced by Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). However, substance misuse occurs on a continuum and is an illness that must be medically treated. People with AUD struggle to control their drinking, may be preoccupied with alcohol, and demonstrate a heightened tolerance. Physiologically, an increased amount of alcohol consumption is required to get the desired effect.
Families with alcoholic mothers experience higher rates of dysfunction. A dysfunctional family may include a lack of closeness between members; children may be unable to express themselves; and there may also be evidence of abuse or neglect. Furthermore, a family may suffer from economic hardships due to the mother’s inability to maintain work, control the budget, and excessive spending on alcohol. A mother may act unstable when alcohol is present at events or functions, resulting in members feeling embarrassed or ashamed of her behavior.
Risk Factors for Children of Alcoholic Mothers
In adulthood, children with an alcoholic parent or raised by a mother with AUD tend to experience difficulties in setting boundaries, navigating relationships, and mood or anxiety disorders at higher rates. They are also more likely to develop some kind of substance use disorder themselves. The effects of alcoholism on families are well documented, particularly so by the Adult Children of Alcoholics support group in their well-known piece, “The Laundry List.”1
A person raised by an alcoholic mother may have a higher risk of developing:
- Substance use disorder (SUD): Growing up in an alcoholic home is by itself considered an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). Research shows that children raised in this environment are two to ten times more likely to develop an SUD in adulthood.2
- Depression: Childhood trauma presents both situational experiences and the possibility of an inherited tendency toward depression.
- Anxiety: An alcoholic mother may suffer from anxiety which she self-medicates with alcohol. Because of this, her offspring may not develop adequate coping skills for managing anxiety and thus develop an anxiety disorder themselves.
- Alcohol use disorder (AUD): Some studies suggest that children of alcoholic mothers are three to four times more likely to develop an AUD.2
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): The association of maternal alcohol abuse with neglect, child abuse, and severe economic and social issues carries possibility of complex trauma or PTSD in affected children.
- Academic issues: Prenatal alcohol exposure is associated with specific cognitive and behavioral deficits.3 Language development or behavioral problems can be worsened by a lack of parental assistance, thus impacting a child’s academic performance.
- Social/relationship problems: Children who grow up with an alcoholic mother may experience numerous relational difficulties, such as being overly-responsible or codependent.
Help for Alcohol Use
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9 Effects of Having an Alcoholic Mother
There are commonalities exhibited between many children raised in alcoholic homes. Unpredictability is ubiquitous; the more severe the neglect, abuse, and exposure to dangerous conditions, the more likely a child is to experience lifelong challenges. This childhood trauma can lead to difficulty within one’s relationships, emotional regulation, and sense-of-self.
As referenced earlier, the “Laundry List” details common traits of children raised by alcoholic parents.1 The themes involve a chaotic inner landscape of guilt, unexpressed feelings, poor boundary setting, and poor self esteem. Many adults also exhibit an overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility, as well as fears of abandonment. Maternal alcohol use does appear to affect female children differently than male, resulting in a higher risk of mania, alcohol use disorder, nicotine dependence, and schizoid personality disorder.4
Below are nine effects of having an alcoholic mother:
1. Problems Forming Relationships
Our earliest understandings of relationships are built by what we witness from parents and caregivers–how they respond to our needs for food, comfort, or stimulation shapes how we see relationships. These are all foundational elements of forming healthy relationships in adulthood.
The impact of alcoholism on children’s ability to form relationships can vary based upon the degree of dysfunction and severity of the alcohol use. Commonly, children may develop trust issues, exhibit people pleasing behaviors, or have trouble forming secure attachments. Because of this, children have a higher risk for attachment disorders such as reactive attachment disorder.
2. Feelings of Inadequacy
Tragically, children may interpret the emotional turmoil and dysfunction in their home as being their fault, especially in the absence of protective and supportive adults. The emotional dysregulation of an alcoholic parent may result in verbal abuse, and the child may internalize self-blame. This may continue into adulthood in the form of low self-esteem, insecurity, fear of rejection, or self-criticism.
3. Difficulty Having Fun
Becoming the de facto caregiver when one’s parent is unable to complete necessary parental duties results in inappropriate levels of responsibility. This can cause a child to become overly responsible, rigid, and controlling. Not knowing what to expect in a toxic environment can create stress, anxiety, and an inability to relax and have fun.
4. Impulsivity
Children of alcoholics tend to be more impulsive.5 Impulsivity can be evidenced in behaviors such as risk taking; making drastic life decisions on a whim; shoplifting; or in disorders such as conduct disorder or antisocial personality disorder. Over time, repeated negative consequences of impulsive decisions leads to poor self-image and self-loathing.
5. Fears of Abandonment
Inconsistent parenting, frequently being left on their own, and serious neglect often results in abandonment issues that affect children into adulthood. This may play out as being over-accommodating to others, having a lack of boundaries, or becoming codependent in adult relationships.
6. Emotional Dysregulation
Children of alcoholics struggle with their emotional regulation. Fetal alcohol exposure can have lasting neurological effects that impair this ability. Even when a mother’s alcohol use disorder develops later in a child’s development, a family may emphasize “keeping the peace,” which in turn impairs emotional expression in the children.
7. Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a common characteristic in children of alcoholics, as they often take on an inappropriate level of responsibility for the well-being of the family. While this may elicit praise outside of the home as a commendable level of maturity, it can set a child up for struggles with accepting failure or limitations.
8. Parentification
Mothers with AUD often struggle with parental responsibilities such as making meals, completing chores, dictating family schedules, maintaining employment, or monitoring schoolwork. Therefore, a child or children in the family may frequently step into those roles themselves. They may even clean up after their mother, look after her, or wake her up for work.
9. Hypervigilance
Hypervigilance is a common symptom experienced by trauma survivors; it is a hyper-alert psychological state in which individuals constantly assess their environment and others for potential threats. In this state, people may experience physical symptoms such as sweating and elevated heart rate.
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Why Don’t Children “Outgrow” Effects of Having an Alcoholic Mother?
When parental attachment is compromised, the results are serious and long lasting. A family environment steeped in shame and secrecy leaves a child feeling unsafe. According to attachment theory, early caregiver-child interactions are models of one’s future relationships. They influence expectations, beliefs, and scripts for behaving and thinking.
Some children are exposed to alcohol in the womb, leading to serious and lifelong impairments. Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) can cause physical abnormalities such as low birthweight, small head size, short stature, and abnormal facial features. It can also result in sleep problems, hyperactivity, and attention or coordination issues.
Children of alcoholic mothers cannot simply “outgrow” these negative effects, as these impacts have been so embedded and ingrained in their lives.
Treatment Options for AUD in Mothers
Fortunately, there are treatment options available for AUD. These may be offered from free, community based options or intensive, inpatient facilities. Treatment for substance use disorders is lifelong, with “recovery” from the disorder being an ongoing process rather than an end state. Recommendations for both setting and duration of treatment vary depending upon the severity of one’s symptoms and the risk of abrupt alcohol withdrawal.
The most difficult aspect of recovery is getting a person to recognize their problem and agree to treatment. For mothers, this is particularly difficult due to barriers with time, financial resources, and childcare. However, loved ones can offer practical assistance, such as taking children to school, cooking meals, or bringing a mother to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Additionally, primary care doctors can provide information on where to obtain treatment.
Treatment options for alcoholic mothers include:
- Early intervention: Early intervention may include 12 Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. AA offers a supportive, structured system to help in recovery.
- Outpatient: As a part of outpatient care, a person will attend individual therapy, possibly in the form of group or family sessions.
- Intensive outpatient/partial hospital: Intensive outpatient care is appropriate for mothers who have co-occurring mental health disorders or addiction. This option requires roughly 20 weekly hours of treatment, but the person still lives at home.
- Inpatient/rehab: Inpatient or rehab facilities offer 24 hour supervision and structured groups, activities, and therapy. The length of stay is typically between 30 and 90 days.
- Medically managed detoxification: Medical management may be necessary when dealing with withdrawal symptoms. In this case, medically managed detoxification includes 24 hour care and can take place in a hospital or rehab center setting.
Therapy Options for Children of an Alcoholic Mother
While growing up with an alcoholic mother can be traumatic and difficult, there are plenty of resources and experienced professionals willing to help. Finding the right therapist may be done using an online therapist directory.
Therapy options for recovering from the effects of having an alcoholic mother include:
- Trauma informed therapy: Trauma informed therapy was designed specifically for trauma survivors. It utilizes techniques to improve common symptoms of traumatic exposure.
- Group therapy: Therapy with individuals with common experiences can be supportive and help you feel less alone.
- Family therapy: AUD creates dysfunction, and family therapists help identify and correct unhealthy family patterns.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is a treatment method used to address mood symptoms and co-dependent relational issues.
- Psychodynamic therapy: This type of therapy addresses how childhood patterns and caregiver relationships affect a person’s current functioning.
How to Support Children of Alcoholic Mothers
There are many ways you can support a loved one who was raised by an alcoholic mother. You can make simple changes to offer support in times of need and address challenges in your relationship as they arise.
Here are some ways that you can support a loved one who was raised by an alcoholic mother:
- Be patient: It may take time for your loved one to recognize and address dysfunctional patterns.
- Listen to them: Try reflecting back what they’ve shared with you so they feel heard and validated.
- Be predictable: Being consistent and transparent will help your loved one feel safe.
- Research attachment: Understand both your and their attachment style to help navigate differences.
- Support recovery: Support your loved one in making time for Adult Children of Alcoholics or CODA support groups.
- Mutual therapy: Consider marital therapy to help you develop a healthy relationship together.
Final Thoughts
Exposure to the chaotic and traumatic childhood in an alcoholic home presents many challenges for children. Still, being raised by an alcoholic mother may have helped you develop unique strengths and resiliency. Seeking help for yourself, and encouraging your mother to do so for herself, will help you leverage those strengths into a grounded sense-of-self.
Additional Resources
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