12 Effects of Having an Alcoholic Mother

The Effects of Having an Alcoholic Mother

Growing up with an alcoholic mother can significantly shape a child’s emotional, mental, and social development, often creating long-lasting challenges. The unpredictability of a mother’s behavior can lead to deep emotional wounds, such as anxiety, trust issues, and low self-esteem, while also increasing the risk of substance abuse later in life. Children may feel responsible for their mother’s addiction, struggle with boundaries, or internalize shame and guilt.

Here are twelve effects of having an alcoholic mother:

1. Anxiety

Anxiety is the brain’s way of dealing with uncertainty and getting ready for possible danger. When a mother drinks alcohol, it can lower her self-control, making her act differently than usual. For a child, this unpredictability can increase their anxiety as they try to predict their mother’s behavior and adjust to it. Over time, this can lead to an anxiety disorder.

2. Trust Issues & Fears of Abandonment

Our earliest experiences with relationships are shaped by how our parents and caregivers meet our needs for comfort, security, and care. These interactions lay the foundation for how we understand and build connections later in life. Growing up with an alcoholic mother, where inconsistent parenting, neglect, and being left to fend for oneself are common, can lead to deep trust issues. In adulthood, this often shows up as difficulty forming close relationships, a constant fear of being abandoned, or feelings of unworthiness when it comes to love. When the dysfunction is severe, a child may develop an attachment disorder and struggle to form secure, healthy relationships.

3. Feelings of Inadequacy

Having an alcoholic mother can deeply impact a person’s sense of self-worth, especially when growing up feeling emotionally neglected or unsupported. Children often internalize the belief that if their mother is struggling, it must somehow be their fault. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, where the individual might believe they are not good enough to deserve love, attention, or stability.

Additionally, in many cases, an alcoholic mother may also become verbally abusive, which further contributes to feelings of inadequacy. Constant criticism, belittling, or hurtful remarks can deeply wound a child’s developing sense of self.

4. Risk of Addiction

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) often runs in families and is influenced by both genetics and learned behavior.¹ Research shows that children raised in this environment are two to ten times more likely to develop a substance use disorder (AUD) in adulthood.² They also see their mother’s behaviors as normal, making them more likely to use alcohol as a way to cope with their emotions in the future.

5. Mental Health Struggles

The instability and unpredictability caused by alcohol-related behaviors can harm the emotional, behavioral, and social well-being of children. In adulthood, children with an alcoholic parent or raised by a mother with AUD tend to experience mental health disorders at higher rates.

Research shows that having a parent who misuses alcohol can result in:^3,4

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Social anxiety
• Obsessive-compulsive issues
• Antisocial behavior
• Increased irritability
• Eating disorders
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Increased suicidal thoughts

7. Difficulty Managing Emotions

A child growing up with an alcoholic mother witnesses heightened emotional instability in their mother—such as mood swings, anger, or withdrawal—which creates confusion about how emotions should be expressed and managed. Without a reliable role model for emotional regulation, they may struggle to understand their own feelings, leading to intense emotional reactions or complete emotional blunting when faced with stress or conflict.

8. Guilt & Shame

When children are young, their brains are still developing the ability to process complex situations and hold opposing emotions.  If something painful happens, like a mother acting unpredictably due to alcohol, the child may blame themselves. This is because they can’t yet separate their parent’s behavior from their own responsibility. Over time, they may start to believe that they are the cause of their parent’s issues, leading to feelings of guilt and shame that are misplaced.

9. Difficulty Setting Boundaries

Parents are a child’s first teachers when it comes to understanding relationships. If a mother’s alcoholism causes her to break promises or ignore her child’s needs, the child may learn that asking for what they need is useless and leads to disappointment. As a result, the child may grow up without learning how to communicate clearly or set healthy boundaries. Without this practice in childhood, they can struggle with setting boundaries and speaking up for themselves as adults.

10. Perfectionism

Perfectionism is something many children of alcoholic mothers struggle with, often because they feel like they have to hold everything together. When the home is unpredictable, they might take on an unhealthy amount of responsibility, believing it’s up to them to keep things running smoothly or even “fix” their mother’s problems. They may think that if they do everything perfectly—whether it’s getting perfect grades, behaving flawlessly, or never showing emotions—it will somehow prevent more chaos or make their mother happier. Over time, these children can start to feel like anything less than perfection is a failure.

11. Hyper-Responsibility or Neglect of Responsibility

Children of alcoholic mothers may cope with the instability in different ways. Some may take on too much responsibility, acting like the parent to try and manage the chaos and keep things under control. This is called hyper-responsibility. On the other hand, some children may feel that no matter what they do, their mother won’t stop drinking, leading them to give up on responsibility altogether because they feel it’s pointless. Both reactions are ways of coping with the unpredictable environment created by their mother’s alcoholism.

12. Impulsivity

Living with unpredictability—like mood swings, broken promises, or erratic behavior—can make children feel unsafe or overwhelmed. Acting impulsively becomes a way to distract themselves or quickly avoid these difficult emotions. This impulsivity is often reinforced when they see their parent making similar rash decisions or taking risks. Over time, these impulsive actions can lead to negative consequences, like damaged relationships or trouble at school or work, which harms their self-esteem.

How to Cope With Having an Alcoholic Mother

Coping with having an alcoholic mother can be emotionally and mentally draining, but there are ways to manage the situation in a healthy manner. Seeking therapy or support groups can provide a safe space to process emotions and learn coping strategies. Additionally, setting clear boundaries and prioritizing self-care can help in breaking free from unhealthy family dynamics and focusing on personal healing.

Free Worksheets for Dealing With an Unhealthy Parent

Whether you’re working on setting boundaries, managing emotional responses, or reclaiming your sense of self, these worksheets are designed to support your journey. Find the one that fits your current situation, or download all of them here.

Complete Workbook Download

Recognizing Toxic Behavior Download

Setting Boundaries Download

Practicing Self-Care Download

Setting SMART Goals Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Overcoming Shame Download

Here are some tips for how to cope with an alcoholic mother:

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Children of alcoholic mothers often disconnect from their emotions to cope with their parent’s unpredictable behavior. Pushing away your emotions can create confusion and emotional numbness. By recognizing and understanding your feelings, you can start to heal and manage your mental health more effectively.

Emotions often manifest as physical sensations, such as tightness in the chest or tension in the shoulders. Becoming aware of these sensations can be the first step toward processing emotions instead of suppressing them. Approaching emotions with curiosity rather than judgment can prevent issues like anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem.

Set Healthy Boundaries

As you start recognizing and addressing your emotions, you may notice how your mother’s alcoholism negatively affects you. This might mean reevaluating the relationship and setting boundaries that protect your well-being. Boundaries are most effective when you clearly communicate them, explain what you’ll do if problematic behavior continues, and are ready to follow through. You may need to restate these boundaries as necessary.

Educate Yourself About Alcohol Use Disorder

Learning about alcohol use disorder (AUD) can help you make sense of your experience, feel less alone, and realize your mother’s behavior isn’t personal. By understanding the patterns and causes of her behavior, you can set boundaries, recognize when you need extra support, and avoid blaming yourself for her actions. Books, support groups, and reliable resources can be great tools for learning more.

Avoid Enabling Behavior

Unfortunately, engaging in enabling behaviors will only ensure that your mother will continue to struggle with alcoholism. Enabling includes actions like covering for her when she can’t manage, avoiding difficult conversations about her behavior, or making excuses for her. If your mother does not have to fully sit with the consequences of her behaviors when drinking, she is less likely to realize that her behaviors are problematic and hurtful.

Focus on Self-Care

When dealing with the pain caused by an alcoholic mother, it’s natural to want to fix the situation by focusing on her behavior. However, you can’t control or change her actions. What you can control are the choices you make for yourself. That’s why it’s more effective to focus on your own self-care. Taking care of yourself—physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually—helps you regain control over your well-being and ensures that you’re focusing your energy on what you can change, rather than on what you can’t.

Create a Support Network

Having a support system is crucial when coping with the effects of having an alcoholic mother, whether you choose to maintain the relationship, distance yourself, or go no-contact. Friends, family, a therapist, or support groups can help you talk through your experiences, point out behaviors that may seem normal to you but are actually unhealthy, and remind you to prioritize your own needs.

Consider Therapy for Yourself

Therapy can be a helpful objective space where you can process and understand the impacts of an alcoholic mother, acknowledge and process your emotions, as well as identify your needs and how to advocate for them. Therapists can help you practice for stressful conversations and to process and cope with them afterward.

Develop Coping Strategies

Dealing with an alcoholic mother is an ongoing challenge, and it’s important to develop healthier ways of coping than what you may have seen growing up. Having effective coping strategies can protect both your mental and physical well-being. A healthy coping strategy is anything that helps you manage stress or difficult situations without adding more stress. Examples include practicing positive self-talk, moving your body to release tension, using breathing to calm down, journaling to process your emotions, and asking for help from others when you need it.

Remind Yourself That It’s Not Your Fault

Even if your mother tries to blame her drinking on you, it’s important to remember that her choices are her responsibility, not yours. Remind yourself of this by writing notes to look at when you need reassurance, asking a trusted friend to remind you, or discussing these concerns with a therapist or in a support group. These reminders can help you stay grounded and not take on guilt that isn’t yours to carry.

Encourage Professional Help

While you cannot force your mother to engage with professional help, it is okay to encourage her to seek professional help as often as you feel comfortable. Alcohol use disorder thrives in isolation, and it can be very difficult to make changes without outside support. Professional help, such as a trained therapist or targeted support group, has the specific training and structure necessary to begin to implement changes and to provide the accountability to sustain those changes.

How to Find Professional Support

Finding professional support when dealing with an alcoholic mother can be a crucial step toward healing and gaining control over your emotional well-being. There are plenty of options available, both in-person and online, to help you process your feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

An online therapist directory is a great place to find an individual or family therapist who specializes in addiction and family issues. Alternatively, online therapy services are affordable options where you can schedule sessions at times that work for you. Additionally, you can explore support groups through apps like Al-Anon’s Electronic Meetings or Sesh, which provides community support and virtual support groups led by licensed professionals.

How to Help an Alcoholic Mother

Helping a mother who is struggling with alcoholism can be tough, but the way you approach it can really make a difference. Start by learning more about alcoholism so you understand what she’s going through. It’s important to see it as a disease, not a personal failing, and to approach her with care and understanding rather than judgment. When you’re ready to talk, choose a calm moment and express your concerns in a kind and supportive way. Focus on how much you care about her and how her drinking is affecting her and the people around her. Try to avoid any language that might sound like blame or criticism, as this can make her defensive.

Encourage her to get professional help, whether that’s through therapy, support groups, or a rehab program. You can even offer to help her find resources or go with her to an appointment if she’s open to it. If she’s resistant, it might help to involve someone she trusts, like a close family member, friend, or even a professional who can guide the conversation. Just remember, you can’t force her to change. What you can do is be there for her, offering steady support and encouragement while she works toward recovery.

Treatment Options for an Alcoholic Mother

Fortunately, there are a variety of treatment options available for alcohol use disorder (AUD), ranging from free, community-based programs to more intensive inpatient facilities. Treatment for substance use is not a one-time fix, but rather an ongoing process of recovery that can last a lifetime. The right treatment setting and duration depend on the severity of the addiction and the potential risks associated with alcohol withdrawal, which can sometimes be dangerous without medical supervision. Primary care doctors can be valuable resources in connecting a mother to local treatment options.

One of the toughest challenges in recovery is getting someone to acknowledge they have a problem and agree to seek help. For mothers, this can be especially difficult because of barriers like time, financial constraints, and the need for childcare. However, loved ones can play a crucial role by offering practical support—helping with childcare, preparing meals, or offering transportation to therapy or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. Even small acts of support can make the process more manageable.