How To Forgive Yourself for Cheating & Not Telling: 10 Tips From a Therapist

Is It Okay to Cheat & Not Tell?

Acts of infidelity range in severity and type, which may influence whether someone would cheat and/or choose not to tell their partner. Cheating can come in different forms, including physical or emotional affairs, micro cheating, and variations of social media infidelity (i.e. sexting, texting). However, some partners may consider watching porn cheating, so it ultimately depends on your specific relationship boundaries surrounding fidelity.

Some examples of situations where cheating and not telling may be permissible include:

• Your partner is prone to being violent: In this case, not disclosing infidelity to your violent partner may be best to ensure that you remain safe. When someone is prone to being violent or you’re in an abusive relationship, there is a higher probability that their reaction to finding out they have been cheated on can escalate into domestic violence.
• Your partner is emotionally abusive: If your partner shows signs of emotional abuse (i.e., gaslighting, stonewalling in arguments, shows controlling behaviors) or you’re in an otherwise toxic relationship, telling your partner about infidelity can lead to further instances of unhealthy conflict.
• You believe your relationship is over: Breakups can be difficult, and if there is a lack of clear communication or differing relationship boundaries, people may still feel an obligation to their former partner. In these cases, an individual might cheat to test whether a relationship is truly over and often doesn’t need to disclose the infidelity to their former partner.
• One night stand: Relationships can be difficult to navigate; sometimes, people may make a one-time mistake and fear that disclosing this to their partners would end the relationship. Depending on the nature and level of commitment in your relationship, disclosing a one night stand may not be necessary. For example, if you are in an open relationship, a non-committed relationship or a poly relationship; disclosure may not be necessary assuming you have talked about this beforehand. If you are in a committed relationship, it is best to have an honest conversation about your one night stand.

10 Tips for How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating & Not Telling

Many individuals who commit infidelity feel shame, guilt, embarrassment, or more severe variations of these emotions. However, while it may be difficult, there are many ways to forgive yourself for cheating and not telling.. Forgiveness is completely possible, and may even allow you to learn more about yourself, grow as an individual, and can be an important step in earning your partner’s forgiveness and rebuilding trust in your relationship.

Below are 10 steps to forgive yourself for cheating and not telling:

1. Figure Out Why You Cheated

Exploring why you cheated is often the first step in understanding and forgiving yourself. What was missing in your relationship? Many individuals who have engaged in infidelity have identified that their needs were not met in their relationship. This includes people who are lonely in their marriage, emotionally neglected by their partner, in a sexless marriage, or experiencing relationship burnout. Some people may be avoidant in relationships, which means they do not bring up any of these concerns to their partner; this does not give their partner the chance to find ways to meet their needs. Being honest with yourself about why you cheated can help you understand what the root cause of your behavior is and work towards finding a healthier solution.

2. Reflect

Honest self-reflection provides the space for individuals to learn and grow from their mistakes. When you have made mistakes, being reflective can be hard, as it can bring up negative emotions associated with infidelity, such as shame. At the same time, it can provide insight that may help in future relationships, such as increased awareness of your needs, how to communicate them more efficiently, and how to enforce your boundaries and expectations in a relationship.

3. Look at Yourself with Empathy

Being able to reflect and explore reasons of why you cheated is hard and so being empathetic with yourself is helpful to get over the guilt you feel and forgive yourself. Having no judgements as you explore your reasons and feelings is crucial to the healing part. Having an open mind as you explore can provide clarity and help support you in moving forward.

4. Start Journaling

Journaling can be beneficial for our mental health, as it helps us process our feelings and keep track of our growth through a process. A journal is any tool that allows you to write, draw, or express yourself freely without any judgment. Through time, people are able to look at what they have in their journal from the early stages of the healing process and see how they have grown or understood themselves differently. Journaling can help let go of the emotions that are connected to cheating, and it can feel like closing a chapter of your story.

5. Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness can be helpful in regulating the many emotions that emerge after infidelity. Mindfulness can look different for people, and so making sure you explore mindfulness techniques and choose what best fits you is crucial.

Some examples of mindfulness techniques include:

• Meditation
• Yoga
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Grounding techniques
• Breathwork

6. Examine Your Triggers

It is important that you examine what triggers you to feel, act, or react in certain ways that may hurt you and your relationships. Being able to do this helps you identify which coping skills can be useful in managing your triggers. A helpful technique when looking at your triggers is the 4 W’s (what, where, when, and why). What is the trigger? Where is the trigger coming from? When is the trigger eliciting a response? Why is this response taking place? This helps explore the feelings your triggers bring up and connect them to the thoughts and events that follow..

7. Don’t Make Excuses

Holding yourself accountable for your actions is important in the healing journey of forgiving yourself after you cheat. Making excuses for yourself takes away from the growth that is often necessary to prevent infidelity and forgive yourself. While it is important that you and your partner identify the roles you each played in the infidelity, it is ultimately the partner who cheated that has a great responsibility to hold themselves accountable for their actions, especially if you want to save your relationship or marriage after an affair.

8. Practice Self-Care

Self-care is important when you are forgiving yourself, processing your emotions, and moving forward. Practicing physical self-care is just as important as finding ways to practice emotional self-care. It is essential that you learn ways to be increasingly attuned to your needs, find ways to meet them, and manage the stress that the healing process can bring forth.

Some self-care activities include:¹

• Exercise
• Going out in nature
• Journaling
• Asking for help when you need it
• Resting
• Exploring new hobbies

9. Be Patient

Patience plays a vital role in forgiveness and healing. At times, the healing can feel overwhelming, and individuals may want the process to go at a different, faster pace. Remind yourself that this can take some time, as it can help you close the gap between expectation and reality.

10. Create Support Systems

Having a support system is helpful in moving forward. Support systems are there to guide you, push you through the hard times, and have your back when needed. These can include friends, family, spiritual and/or professional systems. The important part of having a support system is that you decide when you utilize them, if at all.

What to Do After Forgiving Yourself

After you forgive yourself, it is important that you continue to check in with yourself to make sure you are implementing what you learned, such as better communicating your expectations, needs, and boundaries in relationships. It is important that you remain consistent in verbalizing your needs and using healthy coping skills, which can help you avoid cheating again and ensure that the forgiveness and growth you have worked hard on stick in the long run. Finally, remembering that making a mistake does not define you; rather, how you move forward and learn from it speaks volumes about you as a person.

How Can Therapy Help Me After Infidelity?

If you’re struggling with feelings of shame and guilt, psychotherapy can help you explore a path towards forgiving yourself.¹ Approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and eclectic therapy can help you explore why you cheated, find healthy coping mechanisms, and improve your relationship with yourself.

Marriage and couple’s therapy can help after infidelity by providing a space for couples to discuss their own emotions, set expectations around forgiveness and infidelity recovery, and reestablish boundaries in your relationship. Couples counseling can help you figure out how to forgive your partner, work through infidelity and rebuild trust in the relationship. To make sure you find the right therapist, try using an online therapist directory, which allows you to filter by insurance, location and specialty, among others.

Final Thoughts

Forgiving yourself after cheating is a difficult, reflective process. It is perfectly normal to feel guilt, embarrassment, shame, and have a negative self-image after committing infidelity, but it is important to avoid sinking into a spiral and instead, take care of these emotions and thoughts in ways that are supportive and promote self-improvement. If your emotions begin interfering with your mental health, relationship with yourself, and forming or maintaining attachments, the right therapist can help you get on the right path towards self-forgiveness.