Sometimes narcissism can be avoided and managed. But that isn’t always the case, especially in professional settings. Working with a narcissistic coworker can feel exhausting and frustrating. It’s important to have realistic expectations, set appropriate limits, and manage your own emotions about the situation. Regardless of the situation, you don’t have to suffer from their abuse.
What Is a Narcissist?
Someone with narcissistic personality disorder has an overinflated ego and grandiose self-perceptions. They tend to place their needs before others, and they often manipulate people or situations to ensure they receive what they want.
Narcissists value admiration and validation- these are crucial parts of their identity, and they can collapse or become depressed when these needs are not met. As a result, they typically experience difficulties in their interpersonal relationships. Narcissism can be particularly toxic in workplace settings. These individuals often covet leadership roles, and a narcissistic boss may present as callous, overly demanding, and disrespectful to other employees.
Narcissists can change, but personality disorders are fixed and relatively challenging to treat. Sustainable change requires ongoing awareness and conscious effort.
12 Narcissistic Coworker Traits
We have all had difficult coworkers, and most people can relate to disagreeing in the workplace from time to time. But narcissistic coworkers can add new challenges to the dynamic, and it can be helpful to identify certain traits. Recognizing specific patterns helps you prepare yourself and cope with obstacles as they arise.
The following are 12 signs of a narcissistic coworker:
1. Stealing credit: When things go well, narcissists often take full responsibility for their success. However, they will often undermine or downplay anyone else’s participation.
2. Avoiding accountability for mistakes: Although they have no problem taking credit when things go well, narcissists rarely take responsibility when problems occur. Instead, they tend to blame others, lie about what happened, or deny the severity of the issue.
3. Demanding attention: Narcissists can often present as self-centered and entitled. As a result, when they feel something is important, they may make a scene to draw attention to them.
4. Gossiping about others: Narcissists can thrive in chaos, and they often pit coworkers or bosses against each other with their triangulation tactics. They might gossip or spread rumors about others, especially if they feel jealous or threatened by them.
5. Reacting negatively to feedback: Narcissists often struggle immensely with constructive feedback. They tend to be highly sensitive to criticism, and anything that could threaten their ego may result in extreme defensiveness or anger as a response to the injury.1
6. They’re charismatic and convincing: Narcissists can present as extremely charming and friendly. They may be well-liked among certain clients or colleagues, especially because they often know how to put on a good first impression.
7. They feel above the rules: Narcissists tend to take shortcuts and make unethical decisions when they believe it’s justified. However, they will often hold others to different standards.
8. Passive-aggression: Narcissists may present as extremely sarcastic or negative, but they can also use gaslighting as a way to “justify” their actions. For instance, they may outwardly criticize someone but quickly follow up with a platitude like I was just kidding, or, No offense! You know I love you!
9. Seeking constant reassurance: Covert and vulnerable narcissists may present as more insecure than their grandiose counterparts. Subsequently, they might seek ongoing reassurance and validation during the workday.
10. Interrupting and monopolizing conversations: Narcissists tend to present as self-absorbed, and they prioritize their thoughts and needs before everyone else’s. As a result, they often interrupt, ignore, or hog the attention.
11. They’re extremely jealous: Even though they may present as incredibly arrogant, narcissists often feel profoundly empty and insecure. They tend to show jealousy at even the slightest hint of someone else’s good fortune.
12. Nothing is good enough for them: No matter how hard you try on a project, a narcissistic coworker might be annoyed or angry by your performance. They often hold unrealistic expectations for how others should behave.
11 Tips How to Deal With a Narcissist at Work
Regardless of your role or industry, getting along with coworkers is undoubtedly important. You will often need to work together on various projects or when collaborating in meetings. That said, it’s crucial to learn how to deal with a narcissist. Even though some dynamics can feel frustrating, you can improve how you cope.
The following are 11 tips how to deal with a narcissist coworker:
1. Learn How Gaslighting Works
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that entails someone questioning their sense of reality.2 Gaslighting techniques can involve forms of coercion, manipulation, scapegoating, and deliberate lying. Educating yourself on narcissistic gaslighting can be helpful when you feel confused or even blindsided by a coworker’s behavior.
2. Avoid Taking Things Personally
Narcissism has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your coworker’s personality and expectations. Unfortunately, you might get caught in their crossfire. Even if that’s the case, remind yourself that it’s not your fault. In addition, taking things personally only results in more anger, impatience, and self-blame.
3. Maintain Realistic Expectations
It’s natural to wish that your coworker could take personal responsibility or practice more compassion towards others. But holding onto unrealistic standards may trigger even more resentment. Instead, try to focus on accepting your coworker for who they are. That doesn’t mean you have to like or condone the behavior. Acceptance simply means you acknowledge the reality for what it is.
4. Document Offensive Behavior
Unfortunately, narcissists often get away with toxic or unethical behavior because they may have excellent performance in the workplace. However, they tend to step on others to get ahead. Therefore, whenever you notice concerning behaviors, jot them down. Even if you don’t plan to do anything about it right now, having that evidence may be invaluable when a more serious issue arises.
5. Set Firm Boundaries
It’s important to set appropriate workplace boundaries. These boundaries can be physical, mental, and emotional.3 Identifying and reiterating healthy boundaries important for your well-being. You deserve to be treated with respect, and if your coworker cannot respect that, other actions need to be taken.
6. Remain Assertive
Narcissists tend to be drawn to more submissive personalities. This is because they want to surround themselves with people who will enable them. Therefore, remaining assertive and firm in your values and beliefs is essential. The more you stand up for yourself, the better you disarm the narcissist and the less power they have over your well-being.
7. Consult With Your Boss
If issues continue happening – or if tension escalates – it’s beneficial to address your concerns with your boss. Consider writing down any specific incidents and being objective when stating observable problems. Avoid bad-mouthing your coworker; instead, focus on emphasizing the issues (rather than the personality).
8. Don’t Engage in Gossip
As a general rule of thumb, it’s never a good idea to gossip or badmouth your colleagues.4 But this rule is especially critical if you suspect you’re working with a narcissistic coworker. They may use anything you say against you. Furthermore, they might twist even benign statements into ones that fit their sense of reality.
9. Be Mindful of Flattery or Love Bombing
Narcissists may gravitate towards certain people they deem as special or superior. If this happens to you, they might project all their perfect fantasies onto you and shower you with love and attention. At first, this may seem incredibly rewarding. But it’s important to proceed with caution, as this can turn into love bombing. Eventually, they will recognize that you are just a person and that inevitable disappointment may lead to immense rage.
10. Avoid Sharing Personal Details
Stay minimal and professional at work. Narcissists may try to befriend others for their own emotional or financial advantage. This mindset may be strongest in the workplace. Instead, try to withhold divulging about your home life, family, or personal interests. In addition, make sure that you have turned on your privacy settings on social media (narcissism aside, this is good practice for almost all workplace settings!).
11. Talk to HR
If your boss does not address your concerns adequately – or if they acted angrily or unethically – you may need to consult with your company’s HR representative. As an employee, you have workplace rights, and you inherently deserve to be treated with respect. Keep in mind that it’s helpful to have written data outlining the incidents and how you attempted to address them.5
When to Seek Professional Help
Narcissistic abuse can be traumatic, and narcissistic rage can make a workplace hostile, unsafe, and downright dangerous. Moreover, symptoms of narcissistic collapse are often incredibly challenging for coworkers to experience.
Therapy can be a useful starting point for understanding and coping with narcissism. Learning how to recognize patterns of abuse stand up for yourself is imperative – both in the workplace and in your personal life. Ideally, you should look for a therapist with experience in trauma and abuse recovery. Searching through a trusted therapist directory can help you find the right match for your needs.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with narcissism can be taxing, especially when it applies to a coworker you interact with every day. However, you don’t have to be a victim of their toxic attitude. Maintaining your professionalism, disengaging with their behavior, and seeking active support is often your best strategy for success.
Additional Resources
Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started
Online-Therapy.com – The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added Yoga videos. Get Started
Headspace (Meditation App) – Headspace is the leading mindfulness and meditation app with over 70 million members. Headspace offers guidance and exercises for all skill levels, including beginners. Free Trial
Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.
Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Circles, BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Headspace
