Emotional affairs can be different for everyone, but they typically follow seven stages of progression. An emotional affair usually starts out as a simple friendship, but this can quickly snowball into an unhealthy dynamic. Someone feels initially drawn to a “friend,” devotes more time to them, and eventually becomes more dependent on them. Not addressing these stages early on can result in infidelity and severe relational repercussions.
What Is An Emotional Affair?
An emotional affair is different from other affairs as it occurs when someone turns to another person outside of their relationship for emotional support. Everybody needs support in their lives, but emotional affairs are an example of how and when looking outside the bounds of relationships to meet certain needs can take an ugly turn.
Some examples of emotional infidelity include:
- The work spouse: A special, initially platonic relationship that comes along with privileges, such as flattery and validation. Increased attention and dependence on work spouses are commonplace, and may even be well known throughout the office and in their respective marriages.
- The gaming buddy: Typically part of a larger group at first, the gaming buddies would become increasingly demanding of each other’s time and emotional attention. They become the priority over time and may begin to outweigh their spouse in terms of attention and time.
- The best friend: The best friend may have been around longer than the primary relationship, but it has been mostly platonic. However, this best friend is a consistent challenge to the prioritizing of the spouse, especially if their partner feels like the best friend knows more about their significant other.
How Do Emotional Affairs Start?
An emotional affair starts when potentially healthy support becomes an unhealthy one when someone starts to depend on these outside relationships to satisfy the emotional needs they should look for in their primary relationship. While it is natural for us to make friends and talk to other people, allowing them to become the people we trust most often and deeply can overstep relational boundaries.
For example, an emotional affair can begin when someone who you get along with at work turns into a person you are unusually excited to see every day. Or, a person in an online group of friends may become focused very heavily on just one member of the group.
7 Stages of Emotional Affairs
Emotional affairs may look different depending on the relationship, and there are usually some common signs of emotional affairs and their progression. For instance, one person’s work-wife may not seem the same as an online gaming buddy, but the different contexts do not change that these relationships are meeting emotional needs that would otherwise be fulfilled by their significant other. Both may start out innocently but develop into a dynamic that crosses the line into infidelity.
The seven stages of emotional affairs are:
1. “Innocent” Friendship
This stage of emotional infidelity looks just like any other friendship. You may click with a coworker or gaming buddy, reconnect with an old friend, or find yourself being more attentive to your friendships. Over time, you may think absently about this friendship, “It really is nice how they just get me.” They usually make the person on the receiving end feel special and important. This kind of dynamic often leads straight to the second stage.
2. Crossing the Line
At this stage of emotional infidelity, a person may begin to share deep thoughts with their “friend.” They begin diving into each other’s emotional experiences that the person would not trust their spouse with. In a sense, the feeling of being better understood by this friend fulfills a desperate need for attention and validation.
3. Cribbing
Complaining to each other about spouses, otherwise called cribbing, becomes commonplace, as the emotional affair continues to become a relationship that fulfills one’s unmet needs. At this stage of emotional infidelity, it isn’t enough that this relationship feels nice; it becomes about what they are not getting at home.
4. Fixation
Attraction becomes much more of a driving factor. A person may begin to notice parts of their friend’s personality that their partner is missing, or may find themselves more physically attracted to the friend. The person may notice themselves dressing up for the friend or wondering how the friend perceives them.
5. Making Decisions For Each Other or Together
In this stage of emotional infidelity, the affair becomes more important than the person’s primary relationship. The affair plays into most decisions in everyday life. Even something as simple as mealtime with a spouse can be interrupted to spend time with the friend instead.
6. Disillusionment With Home Life
Life at home in the primary relationship becomes particularly depressing. Nothing is as good or as important as it is with the friend, and it seems like everyone can tell. In this stage, the emotional affair is consuming most of the person’s energy and their ability to care about other relationships can feel limited. They may even develop resentment in their marriage or relationship burnout.
7. Separation
The desire to leave has overtaken the person’s desire to stay. They want to get out, and they’re emphasizing all of the reasons they can think of to justify leaving the relationship they are in. Without help, there isn’t much hope for the relationship at this point, because they are done caring and feel like they could be happier elsewhere.
How to Recover from Emotional Infidelity
There are many ways to recover from emotional infidelity, individually and as a couple. Direct and honest communication, setting healthy boundaries in the relationship, and reaffirming your commitment to one another can help if you want to save your relationship or marriage after an affair.
Some ways to recover from an emotional affair on your own include:
Remember Your Commitments
Your relationship did not begin like this. At some point, this person was a great fit for you, enough so that you committed to being their partner. Why was that? Separately and together, reflect on those times and factors that brought you together, and remember the commitments that brought you closer. Are you and your partner still willing to uphold and prioritize those commitments? Do these commitments need to change?
Identify Needs
What did you or your partner gain from this emotional affair? It may be hard to think about the positives, but this is important. Your affair met emotional needs that weren’t fulfilled in your relationship–what are those? Was the attention flattering? Conversely, your partner may have new needs based on the breach of trust from the affair. The first step to building a blueprint for your relationship is to meet those needs and name them.
Find Resolution for the Needs
Once both partners have identified their needs, it is important to make a plan to resolve those needs. How can your spouse meet these needs? This is not about comparing your spouse to the affair, but about repairing the relationship’s trust and addressing the root cause of the emotional affair.
Emphasize Communication
The way we talk about our needs and boundaries can be just as important. Try to avoid using “you” statements, such as “You ignore me,” and opt for “I” sentences, such as “I feel ignored by you, which makes me feel alone.” Start by reminding yourself and your spouse about the goal of meeting needs. Assume that they want to meet them. In turn, they may identify needs of their own you could be meeting more effectively as well. Healthy communication enhances your romantic relationship, so it is essential to establish good communication habits for the sake of your relationship.
Be Open
This process will be difficult, and you or your partner may notice how the option to close down keeps coming back into your mind. Push past it, even if you’re worried it will make things harder. Remember that closing off and separating yourself from your partner led to this situation, so being open is a good way to behave differently and work through any issues openly.
“Couples who are able to hold each other’s pain; choose to understand and empathize instead of blame and defend; are able to take an honest look at their relationship and themselves; are willing to trust and take accountability; and who will do the hard but rewarding work of rebuilding their relationship to be secure, stronger, and more impervious to threat will be able to heal from infidelity.” – Dr. Blendine P. Hawkins
Grieve Together
It’s okay if you or your partner feel a sense of grief over the relationship damage and loss of trust that may occur after an affair. Cry together and mark the damage, but recognize even though this breach pulled you apart before, it doesn’t have to keep doing that now. Grieving together can make you closer, as it shows the care you still have for your partner and relationship.
Take on New Challenges Together
Find situations where you and your partner can work as teammates. Start a project together, do something productive, plan a trip–anything that allows both of you to work together towards a shared, positive goal. From there, recognize how being on the same team in those projects can translate to everyday aspects of your relationship.
When to Seek Therapy
Couples and marriage counseling can help after infidelity by providing a safe, neutral space for couples to discuss their grievances with one another. If it feels impossible to talk about anything, including emotional infidelity, it can be a big help to find a therapist who serves as a coach to come alongside the couple and show them how to take care of each other. If you’re wondering how to find a relationship or marriage counselor, it may be useful to learn more about different types of therapy, such as emotionally-focused couples therapy, and check with your insurance whether they have in-network counselors to go to.
“The discovery of an affair is often quite traumatic and for the person who feels betrayed and their partner as the activated feelings can be very intense,” Says Dr. Hawkins. “Even after therapy, partners will experience remaining triggers, much like from a traumatic event, and insecurities can creep in. Couples will have to learn how to reach out to each other and assure each other in these moments. Unhealthy patterns and dynamics that made the relationship vulnerable will need to be addressed and the couple will need to work on new ways of communicating and connecting- and this is a continuous process, even without an affair. It is important that couples go in to therapy for periodic couples check-up sessions as well.”
Individual therapy may be necessary as well. When the relationship has experienced the type of betrayal trauma that may come along with the seven stages of emotional affairs, it may be helpful to express some of these feelings without the added consideration of hurting your spouse further. Individual therapy can provide a space for that, while also advocating for healthy communication going forward. You can find individual and couples counseling via an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
From beginning to end, emotional affairs are usually not about the affair partner and how they compare to the primary partner. Emotional affairs come from unidentified, unmet needs in the primary relationship. The good news is that emotional affairs begin with a longing for something that can be available in the primary relationship if properly communicated! It will take love and grace to heal the broken trust and come back together. With the right perspective, heartache, and grief can give way to peace and joy.
Stages of Emotional Affairs Infographics
