Is My Boyfriend a Narcissist? 11 Signs & How to Deal with One

11 Signs of a Narcissistic Boyfriend

Perhaps you were smitten when you first met your boyfriend. He probably seemed charismatic, caring, and supportive early in the relationship. But, over time, these qualities fade, and you may discover a different side to him. Now he’s controlling, demeaning, possessive, jealous, and even abusive. Recognizing narcissistic relationship patterns early can prevent you from potentially getting hurt.^{4, 5, 6}

Below are 11 signs that your boyfriend is a narcissist:^{4, 5, 6}

1. Too Intense Too Soon

Your boyfriend may have gone above and beyond in the beginning, by love bombing you with lots of attention, giving complements, gifts, and so forth. Often, this is how narcissists quickly suck you into the relationship before you start to notice their shortcomings.

2. Oversharing Early in the Relationship

Your beau shares every detail about his private life way too soon, emphasizing that you’re the only person he has ever told this to. Having you think that you’re special enough to trust is just a way to make you feel like you’re more connected than you really are.

3. Excessively Vain

At first, you admired your guy’s self-confidence, especially in social situations. But, now he’s coming off as arrogant, constantly bragging, monopolizing conversations, and putting you and others down. This can leave you feeling angry and hurt, which may affect you emotionally and damage your self-esteem.

4. Obsessed With Success

You might have been impressed with your boyfriend’s ambitions of becoming wealthy, powerful, and successful one day. Be wary, as this could signal that your guy is a grandiose narcissist fixated on this grand future, and less committed to you and the relationship.

5. He Doesn’t Support You

Narcissistic men are unable to relate or care about the needs and feelings of others. You’ve noticed that any time you need him, your guy isn’t around to be a supportive or reassuring partner. His detachment can leave you feeling more like an object in the relationship.

6. Your Personal Life Takes a Back Seat

Narcissists tend to overwhelm their partners with their wants and needs. You are catching yourself neglecting your own life, because you are centering everything around your boyfriend. Unfortunately, this can become emotionally exhausting, strip away your individuality, and stunt your personal growth.

7. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when a partner doesn’t behave in the way the narcissist wants them to. So, if your boyfriend is frequently giving you the silent treatment when he’s upset at you, or shuts down when you want to discuss an important topic, you may be dealing with a narcissist. They will likely subject you to more psychological manipulation.

8. Gaslighting

Narcissistic gaslighting is employed when narcissists need to distort the truth to their benefit by instilling self-doubt in a partner. You may find yourself regularly questioning your reality and even your sanity. This is evidence that your boyfriend is a narcissist who will continue to engage in this manipulation tactic any time he finds it fit.

9. Manipulation

Any manipulation present in your relationship is emotional abuse that can have severe psychological consequences. Narcissistic manipulation tactics can result in narcissistic abuse syndrome, which often requires extensive treatment to recover from.

10. Control Issues

At the core, narcissists fear rejection and abandonment by a partner. Should their façade collapse, a series of controlling behaviors may ensue. If your boyfriend is overly possessive, jealous, isolating you from loved ones, or restricting who you can see, you may be a victim of narcissistic abuse, and thus endangering your wellbeing.

11. Risky & Impulsive Behaviors

Narcissism is strongly associated with a multitude of risky behaviors. When you come across habitual gambling, shopping sprees, getting drunk, or narcissistic cheating patterns, those are huge red flags. If these issues aren’t successfully resolved, staying with your guy will likely complicate your life.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Boyfriend

If you think your boyfriend might be a narcissist, it’s possible that he may not be aware of the impact his unhealthy behaviors have on the relationship, or not have a desire to address them. Nevertheless, there are things you can still do to have healthier interactions and protect your mental health, including setting firm boundaries, not arguing, seeking support, and caring for your well-being.

Here are some tips for dealing with a narcissist boyfriend:⁵

Establish Clear Boundaries

Making unreasonable demands–and insisting on them–while disregarding how you feel, can signal that you’re dating a narcissist. Thus, setting clear boundaries in your relationship is essential. Be specific about what’s acceptable and what’s not regarding physical, emotional, and sexual behaviors. Don’t hesitate to leave if these aren’t honored. Having and maintaining firm boundaries can protect your wellbeing, if your boyfriend tries to cross the line.

Communicate Clearly

Don’t get caught in your emotions–wait until you can clearly communicate and be heard. Then, directly express how your boyfriend’s behavior is affecting you and what your needs are. Frame the talk by implementing fair fighting rules–avoid name calling or criticizing, while showing respect and actively listening. Following a structured conversation can make asserting yourself less stressful, and lead to healthier ways of interacting with your boyfriend.

Avoid Arguing

Because narcissists have a black-or-white mentality, arguing can be pointless and resolving relationship conflict with a narcissist can become even more difficult. Plus, they tend to get angry and volatile when confronted. That’s why it’s best to avoid arguing with your boyfriend, or simply “agree to disagree”. Otherwise, these confrontations can leave you emotionally drained and affect you mentally in the long run.

Don’t Take Things Personally

Your boyfriend might say hurtful things, criticize, or attack you for no apparent reason. Don’t take these things personally if you want to preserve your confidence and self-esteem. These actions are unacceptable, and should encourage you to reflect about the mental and emotional efforts this relationship might entail.

Focus on Self-Care

Perhaps you lost yourself recently, as you’ve been focusing on your boyfriend’s needs. As such, it’s crucial that you redirect your attention towards taking good care of yourself. Start with the fundamentals–eating, sleeping, and exercising for your mental health. Try relaxation practices like yoga or meditation. Don’t forget to add fun and wholesome activities (outside of the relationship) like a new hobby, volunteering, traveling, etc. Maintaining self-care can enhance your overall wellbeing and reduce your stress.

Seek Professional Guidance

Aside from self-care, focus on your mental health, too. It can be beneficial to talk to a mental health professional who can provide a setting that feels safe and validating. Additionally, therapy can offer you the support and guidance you need to navigate your relationship with a narcissist. A skilled counselor can also assist you in identifying narcissistic relationship patterns that can turn into abuse or threaten your safety.

Reach Out & Connect with Others

If you have a narcissistic boyfriend, chances are that you’re not getting the attention and moral support you need. That’s why it’s vital that you foster existing relationships with friends and family, and receive necessary validation and encouragement. Moreover, reaching out to people who have your back can ease any feelings of loneliness. This might be challenging, especially if your boyfriend is trying to isolate you. However, focusing on having this safety net is important.

Learn About Narcissism

Before jumping the gun on your relationship, educate yourself about narcissism. Understanding this condition and its complexities can help you figure out if your boyfriend is a narcissist, and to what degree. It can also help you determine if a co-occurring psychological issue could also be at play, which helps you better manage the relationship, protect your emotional wellbeing, or re-evaluate the relationship.

Know When It’s Time to Leave

Leaving a relationship can be difficult, especially if you developed feelings for your partner. However, if your boyfriend is affecting your mental health, continues to engage in unacceptable behaviors, lacks the qualities you need and deserve in a person, and/or has acted violently/aggressively towards you, then it’s time to walk away. Before you do, ensure you take the necessary safety precautions, as many narcissists can become enraged and violent when their partners are the ones ending the relationship.

When to Seek Professional Help

You should consider therapy if you’re feeling trapped and helpless, or coping in unhealthy ways like drinking, using mind-altering substances, over-eating, or isolating yourself. Professional counseling can help you reassess your behaviors and identify the necessary strategies for moving forward.⁷ Fortunately, choosing a mental health professional can be done by browsing through an online directory, which offers helpful resources to fit your specific needs, or through the use of an online therapy platform.

Therapy options to consider when dealing with a narcissistic boyfriend include:^{3, 5, 7}

• Group Therapy: A group therapy setting may be extremely beneficial in giving you a sense that you’re not alone as group members share their similar experiences.
• Individual Therapy: Entails one–on–one psychotherapy, and can help if you are uncertain about how to proceed in your relationship and need to move your thoughts and emotions in a healthier direction.
• Support Groups: Peer-led by people with similar difficulties, support groups may feel more relatable for some than individual therapy with a therapist.

Note: Some narcissists can change, but this process takes time, and many don’t want to change or try therapy. If you’re contemplating couples counseling, make sure that you’re clear regarding your willingness to invest in this person and therapy. Be sure that you and your boyfriend are on the same page about this. When there’s a genuine desire by both parties to work on the relationship (assuming there’s no abuse or violence), couples counseling can be fruitful.^{5, 7}