Vindictive Narcissists: 10 Signs & How to Handle One

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder that is characterized by arrogance, entitlement, defensiveness, and an excessive need for external validation. While everyone has some narcissistic traits, only about 6% of the population would qualify as a true narcissist.^6,7 In order to be diagnosed with NPD, someone needs to have narcissistic traits that are serious enough to cause problems or impair their ability to function.⁷

Common signs, traits, and tendencies of NPD include:⁷

• Grandiosity or an inflated ego
• Fantasizing about power, success, or importance
• Feeling special, exceptional, or better than others
• Needing excessive praise, validation, or attention
• Feeling entitled to special treatment
• A pattern of exploiting or using other people
• A lack of empathy for the feelings and needs of others
• Envious, jealous, or extremely competitive
• Arrogance or a sense of superiority over others
• Extreme sensitivity to criticism
• Poor self-awareness, low emotional intelligence, and poor impulse control

Types of Narcissists

There are numerous unofficial subtypes of NPD that can affect how narcissistic behaviors and traits show up. The most common and well-researched types of narcissism are overt narcissists (aka grandiose narcissists) and covert narcissists (aka vulnerable narcissists). Overt narcissism is the more obvious and stereotypical form of NPD that tends to manifest as arrogance, competitiveness, and attempts to gain recognition or power. The signs of covert narcissism are harder to detect because they hide behind a mask of modesty, introversion, and even self-deprecation.^2,6

What Is a Vindictive Narcissist?

The term ‘vindictive narcissist’ is not a clinical or official diagnosis. Instead, the term is used casually to describe someone with NPD (or someone with narcissistic traits) who tends to be mean, callous, and cruel towards others. Vindictive narcissists tend to hold onto grudges, often feel anger and resentment, and find ways to seek revenge against people who they feel wronged by.^2,3,5,8

Because people with NPD often take things personally, they may also be easily offended, upset, or angered by others. These moments often lead to ‘narcissistic injuries’ which involve feelings of insecurity, embarrassment, and shame.^2,5,6 Because many narcissists possess immature coping skills and poor impulse control, they’re known to project anger and blame onto others instead of responding in calm and respectful ways.^4.8

Examples of vindictive narcissistic behaviors include:³

• Using excessive criticism to embarrass or belittle someone who dismissed their opinion or idea
• Keeping track of people who have wronged them
• Sabotaging a coworker or boss because of being passed over for a promotion
• Intentionally trying to make an ex-partner jealous by flaunting their new sexual partners
• Trying to either one-up or put down a person they view as a threat or competition
• Giving a back-handed compliment to someone they secretly envy or resent
• Exposing someone’s secrets publicly when they’re upset with something they did
• Intentionally pushing buttons or triggering someone’s insecurities or old traumas

10 Signs of a Vindictive Narcissist

Vindictiveness is a common narcissistic trait, but may become dangerous or harmful in severe cases. The more pathological a narcissist is, the more likely it is they’ll also display antisocial traits like a lack of empathy or a tendency to use, exploit, and abuse others. Vindictive behavior occurs on a spectrum that can range from cruel remarks and passive-aggression, all the way to the extremes of narcissistic abuse.^1,8,9

Below are 10 signs of a vindictive narcissist:

1. They’re Easily Offended

Research suggests that narcissistic rage and vindictiveness are commonly exhibited when a narcissist takes offense to something that someone did or said.^2,4 Because narcissists often think only of themselves, they tend to take things personally and get offended in situations most people wouldn’t be bothered by. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they’ll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive.³

2. They Hold Grudges & Harbor Resentment

Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. It’s almost as if they’re mentally ‘keeping score’ of every slight, critical remark, or joke made at their expense.^3,8,9 They may blow up in the moment and still harbor resentment. Other times, they appear aloof or unbothered while inwardly plotting their revenge.³

3. They Are Usually Angry or Upset With Someone

It’s not unusual for a vindictive narcissist to be angry or upset with someone. They may even share their frustrations with others and rehash the reasons why they are irate. If you’re dealing with a vindictive narcissist, there’s a good chance that they are always mad at someone, as vindictive behavior is mainly driven by anger.¹ Partners of vindictive narcissists often feel like they can’t do anything right, are constantly being criticized, and that their partner is continually upset with them.^2,5

4. They Blame Everything on Someone Else

A refusal to accept accountability is a telltale sign of narcissism, but may be more prevalent in narcissists with a vindictive streak.^2,3,7 Projecting blame onto someone else (even if they’re innocent) serves many purposes for a vindictive narcissist. One is that it allows them to dodge personal responsibility for anything they may have done wrong, further protecting their egos. Painting someone else as the ‘bad guy’ provides an excuse to target and retaliate against the person.⁴

5. They Don’t Know How to Work Through Conflict

Poor emotion regulation and impulse control are at the core of NPD, making it difficult for them to remain calm enough to ‘fight fair.’ Immature defenses, fits of rage, and vindictive acts are most obvious during conflicts and disagreements.^2,3,4 Because vindictive narcissists are easily upset and unable to express themselves peacefully, they tend to either explode, storm off, or shut down during conflict. This also means that most of their disputes are unresolved, which may partly explain why they hold grudges and plot ways to get revenge.⁴

6. They Have a ‘Get Even’ Mentality

Vindictive narcissists have a ‘get even’ mentality and keep score of when someone has upset or offended them, often with a long list of names attached. Being unable to regulate emotions, take responsibility, resolve conflicts, or find empathy and forgiveness for others means getting even is the only way to let go and move on.^3,4

7. They Weaponize Information

When people make the mistake of sharing their secrets, insecurities, and sensitive ‘intel’ with a vindictive narcissist, they usually end up regretting it. After collecting this information through charm, manipulation tactics, or other dishonest means, a vindictive narcissist commonly weaponizes this information. They may use it to blackmail, control, or threaten someone; or they may use it in a narcissistic smear campaign designed to ruin someone’s career, life, or reputation.^2,3,5

8. They Belittle Others to Feel Bigger

Vindictiveness is sometimes believed to be an indication of severe narcissism, especially because it’s closely tied to antisocial and abusive behavior.^4,5,6 One may this may be exhibited in daily interactions is belittlement. A vindictive narcissist will often put people down, give back-handed compliments, make cruel remarks, or say and do things to make others feel small (especially when they’re feeling small themselves).^2,4

9. They Have a Mean & Sadistic Side

The more severe a person’s NPD is, the more likely it is that they’ll behave in ways that are cruel, dishonest, and even abusive. These antisocial tendencies can show up as a lack of empathy, callousness, or cruelty.⁶ The most psychopathic narcissists may even enjoy causing pain and suffering. These sadistic tendencies can be a sign that someone has both antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder (called malignant narcissism). This is also known as ‘Schadenfreude,’ a German term referring to the pleasure of hurting others.

10. They Use, Abuse & Then Discard People

Extreme narcissists are unable to form close, healthy, and lasting relationships with other people.^2,3,5 They usually view relationships in a transactional way, strategically trying to charm and con their way into the inner circles of people who have things they want. This could be fortune, fame, power, status, or valuable skills or personality traits that can be exploited. Once they’ve acquired their target or found a new and ‘better’ alternative, vindictive narcissists quickly end the relationship and move on to their next victim (aka narcissistic discard).

Causes of Vindictive Narcissism

Narcissistic personality disorder is believed to be caused by a combination of genetic, environmental, and social factors. Certain research suggests that some people with narcissistic and antisocial personalities have abnormalities in parts of the brain linked to empathy, emotional intelligence, and impulse control. Others may be at higher risk for NPD based on their personality type and temperament.⁸

While these predispositions and genetic factors may play a role in NPD, studies suggest that childhood trauma is one of the main contributing factors to the disorder. Extreme parenting styles and attachment trauma in childhood are highly common in narcissists. For example, both excessive praise and extreme physical or emotional neglect in childhood make someone much more likely to develop NPD as an adult.⁸

Triggers for Vindictiveness in Narcissists

Both overt and covert narcissists can be vindictive, but research suggests they may have slightly different triggers and motivations for seeking revenge. According to one study, ‘narcissistic rage’ (the projection of anger onto others) in covert or vulnerable narcissists is often triggered by abandonment issues and insecure attachment styles. In overt/grandiose narcissists, triggers are commonly centered around competition, achievement, and failures that threaten one’s ‘God complex.’²

In both subtypes, the triggers for vindictive, angry, and defensive behaviors usually involve an ‘ego wound’ that results in feelings of shame, humiliation, or insecurity.^2,3 Many psychologists believe that vindictiveness is a defense mechanism used to boost one’s self-esteem and regulate emotions when feeling insecure or threatened. It’s often tied to other defenses like narcissistic projection, denial, idealization of themselves, and devaluation of others.⁴

Examples of triggers for narcissistic rage and vindictiveness include:^2,3,4,8

• Being challenged, debated, or disagreed with
• Being told “no,” rejected, or denied special treatment
• Feeling envious, insecure, or threatened by someone viewed as ‘competition’
• Being told what to do by an authority figure or someone in a position of power
• Hearing critical or corrective feedback about themselves or their performance
• Feeling embarrassed or humiliated, especially in front of others
• Having someone hold them accountable for their actions or mistakes

How to Handle a Vindictive Narcissist

Narcissistic people can be difficult to deal with, regardless of the subtype of NPD they have or the particular traits they exhibit. Vindictiveness only further exaggerates the difficulties people will have when interacting with a narcissist. It’s important to be cautious to avoid becoming a victim.

Generally, the best strategy for dealing with a narcissist who is mean and vindictive is to distance yourself from them and avoid contact. When this isn’t possible, there are some basic ways to interact with them while also protecting yourself.

Below are tips for dealing with a vindictive narcissist:

Limit Your Interactions With Them

When possible, less interaction with a vindictive narcissist is always better. If the narcissist in your life is someone at work, only interact with them when you really need to. Keep the conversations short and focused on topics that need to be discussed. Fewer interactions means fewer opportunities for them to be triggered and you to become a target of their vindictiveness.

Be Polite, but Distant

Remain respectful with them, but also remain cool, aloof, and distant when interacting with a vindictive narcissist. Because narcissists hunt for praise, attention, and validation, they’re more likely to cross you off their list of potential victims if you don’t provide them with the narcissistic supply they want. Instead, they’re likely to get bored or frustrated with you and move onto another source of praise.¹⁰

Avoid Sharing Personal or Sensitive Information

Because you cannot trust someone who is vindictive (narcissistic or not), you should avoid spilling your deepest and most personal secrets with them. Resist the urge to discuss anything that you wouldn’t want others to know or something that could potentially be used to hurt you. Even if a narcissist tries to earn your trust by telling you their own secrets, resist the urge to be too vulnerable in return.

Don’t Fall for Their Tricks & Tactics

Despite their deficits in the realm of social and emotional skills, many narcissists are very skilled at earning the trust of others. Don’t be fooled by their superficial charm, feigned interest in you, or any sad stories designed to earn pity. These are some of the go-to narcissistic manipulation tactics they will use early on to gain access into people’s lives .The people most harmed by are the ones who grant a narcissist this access.^2,10

Find out What They Really Want

When you know what someone’s true intentions are, you can understand and even predict their behavior. Some narcissistic people care about money and status while others want power, sex, or narcissistic enablers to praise them and pump up their egos. Study their behavior and what they seem to get excited about, respond well to, and what their goals seem to be. This way, you can better plan for their behavior.¹⁰

Use Leverage to Protect Yourself

Studying the vindictive narcissist in your life may provide you with leverage for when you become their target. Leverage is any information or circumstance that gives you an upper hand in an interaction. Most people aren’t used to thinking this way, but it’s necessary when you’re dealing with someone who only thinks like this. Examples of leverage might be something they want that you have some power over.

Set Clear & Firm Boundaries

Clear and firm boundaries are one of the hallmarks of all healthy relationships, but they’re especially important in toxic relationships with vindictive or cruel people. Boundaries are clearly defined rules about what’s acceptable and unacceptable to say and do, and they’re set by saying no, making your expectations known, and sticking to them. For instance, some boundaries to set with a vindictive and narcissistic coworker include avoiding small talk, lunch dates, and not responding if they call or text you outside of work hours.¹⁰

Have Evidence & Witnesses if You’re Targeted

If you have the unfortunate luck of getting on the bad side of a vindictive narcissist, you’ll need to start being more careful about interacting with them. Consider having someone else present to ‘witness’ what is said, or switching to mainly email or text communication. This will make it harder for them to twist your words, lie, or paint you in a negative light.

Try to Find Genuine Compassion for Them

Narcissism is one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood forms of mental illness. Many people throw these individuals in the same villain box as psychopaths, pedophiles, and predators. The truth is that most narcissists have fragile egos and extremely immature coping skills, which combine into a pretty miserable existence. Finding some compassion for their desperate attempts to feel okay about themselves can reduce your levels of stress, anger, and disgust when they act out. Just remember not to let these feelings of compassion compromise your resolve to keep your distance from them.^3,10

Identify ‘Hard Lines’ & Take Necessary Actions

Everyone should have ‘hard lines’ or ‘hard stops’ regarding what they will not tolerate, accept, or allow others to say or do (i.e., abuse, stalking, harassment, violence, etc.).² Identify what these are for you, and what actions you will need to take if the narcissist in your life crosses one (i.e. reporting them to HR, calling 911, firing them, etc.).¹⁰ Hopefully, this will just be a precaution, but it can prepare you to take swift action if or when needed.

Can People With Vindictive Narcissism Change?

A lot of people want to know if it’s possible for a narcissist to change. Anyone with a sincere desire to change and a willingness to seek honest introspection is never beyond help.¹⁰
However, there are many reasons to be cautiously optimistic if there’s a narcissist in your life who you’re hoping will change–especially if they say they’re open to getting professional help.

Treatment Options for Vindictive Narcissism

A lot of research suggests that many of those with NPD are unwilling to seek help. When they do get help, they commonly sabotage treatment in ways that hinder their progress. For example, narcissists may refuse to take responsibility for their actions; become hostile and defensive with the therapist; and even end treatment when a therapist says or does something they don’t like.^3,4,8,9

Treatments like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), schema therapy, or even family therapy and couples therapy may be beneficial for a vindictive narcissist. There are no medications for NPD, making therapy the frontline treatment recommendation.^8,9 Finding a therapist who specializes in personality disorders is important, and can be done by using an online therapist directory that allows users to filter by specialties.

Final Thoughts

Vindictiveness is a trait or tendency that makes people more likely to hold onto resentment and seek revenge against people.^1,2,3 Those with NPD who commonly display these behaviors are sometimes referred to as vindictive narcissists. Because of their tendencies, it’s a good idea to distance yourself from them and be cautious in how you interact with them. That way, you can hopefully avoid becoming a target or at least minimize your risk of being harmed.