What to Consider About Dating When Separated

What to Consider When Dating While Separated

Dating while separated poses some inevitable risks, which can become more pronounced in messier divorces, such as in cases of contentious battles over child custody or valuable assets. That said, many people successfully enjoy dating during this time.

If you’re considering dating while separated, you should examine the legal, practical, and emotional factors that may influence your decision. Each state has different laws about separation, which are important to be aware of to avoid any legal issues that may arise.

Some factors to consider about dating during separation include:

Types of Separation

There’s a significant difference between taking a break from your marriage and legally moving forward with divorce. Separation isn’t a universal term, and there are several different types of separation, each with unique implications. If you feel uncertain about what applies to you, check with your state or divorce attorney to see what applies to you.

Some common types of separation include:¹

• Temporary: A temporary separation is typically when one spouse leaves or moves out of the marital home (although this isn’t always the case, as some may not have that option). This is an informal arrangement, and couples may decide to proceed with a divorce or save their marriage. Generally, this is not an advisable time to date, as things still may be up in the air.
• Permanent: When you live apart from your spouse with no intention to reconcile, you are considered permanently separated. You don’t have to involve the law, but your property rights and custody over children can be impacted depending on your state’s laws.
• Legal: Legal separations are similar to divorces, although not every state permits them. They are formally recognized by the court, and neither spouse can remarry until ending things officially with divorce, but they can date. Therefore, in some cases, a legal separation can be indefinite.

Are You Ready?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all time for being ready to date after a separation. Some people want to start meeting others right away. Others wait several months or years after the divorce is finalized. In general, people often want to wait until they readjust to their new life. Whether you are ready will ultimately depend on when you emotionally and logistically move on from your last relationship.

Potential Risks

Dating during this time can be tricky for everyone involved. Even if you think you might be fully ready to date casually, or enter a new relationship, it’s important to consider the risks, such as increased interpersonal conflicts in the family, passive-aggressive behavior, and the potential for self-sabotaging new relationships. Jumping into something prematurely can be damaging to your recovery, and it can also complicate legal proceedings in the event of messier divorces.

Potential risks of dating while you’re legally married include:

• Entering a rebound relationship too soon (while you’re emotionally unavailable)
• Straining your relationship with your children
• Impact on court-based custody decisions
• Tension or estrangement with friends and family (if they have a mutual relationship with your ex)
• Financial complications
• Engaging in revenge-seeking behavior toward your ex

13 Tips for Dating When Separated

If you intend to date while separated, it’s important that you protect yourself and your loved ones. In addition to understanding your legal rights, it’s important to re-learn to establish clear boundaries and how to communicate in relationships. If you’re concerned about how dating may impact finances or custody, it’s best to consult with your lawyer.

Below are 13 tips for dating while separated:

1. Understand Timing

Most divorce attorneys advise that you get legally separated before you start dating someone new. If not, your new relationship could potentially be considered adultery. That can have serious implications when it comes to important variables like alimony and custody arrangements.² Those issues generally aren’t worth jeopardizing! Speak to your lawyer to determine whether you can date while separated and if there are any potential implications.

2. Make Sure You Have a Separation Agreement

If you begin dating before you are legally separated, make sure that you have a separation agreement in place with your ex. At this time, everything is still informal, and all marital property laws may still apply. Your agreement should document details like handling bills, whether you will continue having joint accounts, custody agreements with children, and living arrangements.

3. Consider Rebuilding Your Relationship With Yourself

Separation and divorce can be emotionally gutting. You likely invested tremendous energy into your marriage. The stages of grief in a divorce can be painful, and it’s normal to feel sad, angry, scared, and relieved–sometimes all at the same time.³ With that said, you may need some extra time to spend with yourself and practice emotional self-care. Doing so can allow you to rediscover your passions, and that may help you find a better partner in the future.

4. Be Honest From the Start

Be honest with yourself, your current partner, and any potential new partners from the start. Reflect on whether you are struggling with any residual relationship anxiety, betrayal trauma, trauma from an abusive relationship, fear of intimacy or rejection, or commitment issues from your marriage. Be honest about how this might affect any new relationships (i.e., developing trust issues, being jealous in relationships, etc.) and any boundaries you might want to set.

5. Set Rules

Set healthy boundaries in relationships for yourself when it comes to dating. Think about what’s non-negotiable when it comes to meeting someone new. Ideally, you should identify these rules before you jump back into dating. This increases the chances that your needs are met appropriately.

6. Communicate Clearly

In order to create a solid foundation in new relationships, it is important to establish healthy patterns of communication in relationships. Be upfront about your separation status when dating; if legal issues arise, your new partner may get inadvertently involved. It isn’t fair to hide your marriage or current situation from new partners. Even if communication sometimes feels difficult, it is a sign of healthy relationships.

It’s important to maintain open communication with your existing partner and children as well. You and your spouse should agree on when to tell your kids about your divorce before you begin dating. Maintaining healthy communication with your children can avoid any resentment, instances of estrangement, and complications in custody battles.

7. Don’t Do Anything You Wouldn’t Want to Tell a Judge

Until your divorce is finalized, the actions you make during your separation can be used against you. For the next few months, you should assume that the court will carefully examine everything you do. This rule is particularly important if you are getting a divorce and have children–the courts do have a significant role in deciding what is in the best interest of the child.

8. Know the Risks of Pregnancy

A pregnancy that occurs during separation can complicate the divorce process. Even if both parties intend to proceed with a divorce, some states will consider a woman’s husband (even in the event of separation) to be the father until a paternity test proves otherwise. That said, it’s best to be mindful of the risks of pregnancy and consider using protection if you are sexually active during this time.

9. Seek Social Support

Some people jump into dating to fill an emotional void while being separated. This can be especially true if they were married, but lonely. If you feel ambivalent about dating, or you’re concerned that you’re trying to meet someone to avoid loneliness, consider reconnecting with friends first. See if that makes any difference. You can also see if there is a local or online divorce group therapy or support groups in your area.

10. Be Civil With Your Ex

As much as possible, strive to be civil with your ex in any interactions you two have. You can keep interactions brief, but try to avoid being snarky. Likewise, do not gossip or badmouth them in front of other people. If you’re being harassed, consult with your lawyer. Document anything that feels concerning or offensive to you. If you two remain close friends, you should be upfront about that with new partners.⁴

11. Make Self-Care a Priority

Dating can be a part of your life, but you should also focus on nourishing yourself during this time. Regardless of your relationship status, strive to prioritize looking after yourself right now. There are many ways to practice self-care, depending on what your needs are and what is important to you.

Some tips for self-care include:

• Engage in hobbies that feel rejuvenating to you
• Make sure that you are eating regularly
• Reap the mental health benefits of exercise
• Get plenty of sleep
• Find an outlet for your emotions (i.e., painting, journaling, etc.)

12. Be Careful of Being the Rebound Yourself

Although it may seem to be a good idea to date someone who’s also separated or recently divorced, this plan can backfire. You both may be in various stages of grief, dealing with commitment issues, relationship burnout, unequipped to deal with rejection, or vulnerable to toxic relationship tactics, such as love bombing. While you can’t prevent heartbreak, you should be mindful of the potential risk.

13. Solidify Your Financial Situation

It’s best if you try to avoid mixing finances with anyone else right now. Doing so can cause further problems in your divorce process, particularly if you aren’t legally separated. It also tends to create additional stress in a new relationship. If your money situation is shaky, try to prioritize taking steps to improve it and set firm boundaries around your finances.⁵

When to Seek Counseling

Separating from your spouse isn’t an easy decision, and the aftermath often affects every part of your life. Divorce counseling may help you and your spouse navigate some of the difficulties that come with being separated as amicably as possible, including custody arrangements, dating agreements, and other complications.

If you and your spouse are uncertain about divorce, discernment counseling, in particular, can help you decide whether you want to stay together or end your relationship. You can find a marriage counselor by asking trusted friends or family, requesting a referral from your primary care provider, or using an online therapist directory.

Some therapeutic methods for addressing problems in a relationship include:

• Marriage & couples counseling: If you and your spouse decide to work through your marriage, or in the events leading up to a separation,, marriage & couples counseling can help you clarify boundaries, improve communication, and restore intimacy. It can be beneficial for couples experiencing ongoing conflict in their marriage.
• Co-parenting counseling: Co-parenting counseling is meant to help families navigate the process of separating and/or divorcing while co-parenting children.
• Individual therapy: Individual psychotherapy can be beneficial at any stage of separation. Having your own space for support allows you to process your feelings and manage your stress proactively. Your therapist can also help you with the transitional difficulties that often accompany separation and divorce.
• Online therapy: Online therapy provides the same type of support as in-person therapy. However, this option can be valuable for people living separately, in remote areas, or with busy schedules.
• Family therapy: Family therapy can be helpful if you and your spouse have children. Separation affects children differently, but this therapy can help you provide them with support and reassurance during this vulnerable time.

Final Thoughts

Before dating while separated, it’s important to outweigh the risks and benefits. Rebounding too soon can have steep consequences. Remember that healing takes time, and you don’t want to rush into anything too soon. That said, you are entitled to happiness. If you feel ready to meet someone new, you undoubtedly have the right to pursue finding a meaningful connection.